Fear is one of the most common emotions we experience as humans. I am writing this article today to share my understanding of this phenomenon. Fear is described as the number one reason holding humans back from living up to their full potential. This is certainly true in my case, or so I thought. Over the last few months, I have made numerous efforts to understand the workings of my mind and why I act the way I do.
Fear is the feeling induced by a perceived threat or danger that affects various organisms internally and alters their behavior in certain situations. That is the theoretical definition you will find on the internet. Knowing it is a natural response occurring occasionally should be enough to accept. There is a popular quote by Bruce Lee that says,
“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to act in spite of fear.”
Bruce Lee, Actor and Martial Artist
I discovered just how ridiculous it sounds to blame everything on fear. Through many conversations with a therapist friend about instances in my life, I uncovered two of the three most prominent fears: fear of failure and fear of rejection are particularly holding me back. At the time, I was satisfied with this discovery. I knew why things had turned out this way.
In my understanding, human beings experience fear for the following reasons: First, it is a means for your brain to protect you and ensure your survival. Second, whenever we are doing something new and/or important, particularly for the first time. We feel scared to do something we have never done before; it requires us to take risks and be vulnerable. As a result, we doubt ourselves and our abilities.
Fear, as it turns out, is an amazing tool in our emotional palette. Often considered a negative emotion, it can work powerfully for and against you. It is like a two-edged sword. There are three most fundamental fears of a human being:
I am not good enough
People are afraid of being judged by others. This often manifests as self-doubt, which causes one to ask questions such as “What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What will people say?” This often prevents us from taking risks or doing something different. I can tell you from experience that stage fear comes from the fear of being judged by people in the audience. When I think of starting my own business, my first thought is, what if I fail and am not good enough to meet the client’s expectations?
The other part is what will other people say? For better or worse, we live in a society of other people. Sadly, people are wired to pass judgment and give their opinions even if no one asks. People talk and love gossip; nothing is saucier than discussing someone’s personal life. We have all done it and still do it, even if we hate being on the other side of the table. Those murmurs and stares will get to you. It can be nerve-wracking.
Here’s the good news: Who gives a f*ck about other people and their opinions? The important thing to remember is that the people who judge you are doing so from the sidelines. You are already winning against them just by going out there and doing something courageous. Further, look at who is giving their opinion and ask yourself if it really matters.
A very popular Hindi song, “Kuchh Toh Log Kahenge,” from the 1972 movie Amar Prem, comes to mind. The song starts with the lines: “Kuchh toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna,” which roughly translates to “People will talk and judge, that’s what they do.” In the song, there is a commentary about how sometimes people can be hypocritical and that we live in a world where even the gods are insulted by their devotees, so what hope does an ordinary human being have in this world?
I don’t belong here
Since the beginning, homo sapiens have lived in communities and tribes. We have an inherent need for belongingness. It is a big part of our identity and personality. When I say a community, tribe, or group, you might think of clubs and organizations, but I am going beyond that. Think about belonging to your family, belonging to a team, a company, a group of friends, etc.
I learned that forming a community is a matter of choice and declaration. If you and your friends decide to exercise daily, that’s a community, even if it is small and you belong to it. Rest is semantics such as coming up with a name or a logo, common rituals, etc. You may or may not choose to do that. The idea of belonging to a community is that you identify with a group of people with whom you share common ground.
Now that we have a brief understanding of belonging, you can begin to see why people fear being ostracized. When we feel like an outsider who doesn’t belong in a place, like a misfit, it’s hard to be comfortable in that situation. You don’t want to be the person who is ousted from a group. Imagine being kicked out from your family or never seeing your friends again. How would you feel if you were the only one not invited to a party? Think about being constantly ignored and snubbed; you will understand why we need to belong and fit in with the group.
As mentioned before, you can find a sense of belongingness elsewhere if you are not happy where you are presently. I am living in France now. I don’t feel like I belong here and won’t feel that way magically over time. The key in such a situation is to find and build connections. I found friends here and I am trying to build a life here. I belong to emlyon business school, it’s a part of my identity now and I am proud of it. I am adapting to the culture here and evolving as a person in the process.
I am not loved
People yearn for connection, for affection and for social interaction. We need other people to survive in this world. No one has ever accomplished anything alone. No one likes to be lonely, which is different from being alone. You can be alone, live alone and even enjoy solitude (I know Superman does!). You are not lonely because you have friends, family and people in your life. Being lonely is different because you can still have people but there is no depth in your connections.
If I have to explain the fear of not being loved, the best example I can think about is being alone during the holidays because you have no one to celebrate with you. I know it’s a cliche, but being alone one Valentine’s Day sucks and people often feel depressed about it. The fear is not having someone who can support you when you need it and make no mistake, you will need it now and then.
The way to deal with this is to invest time with people. I use the word invest purposely because you have to see the time you spend with people as an investment in building a strong relationship. Scroll through your contacts and identify how many people you have in your life whom you can call for help, knowing they will respond. I can count mine on my fingers. When I realized that, I decided to rectify the situation. I started meeting my friends outside of school and getting to know them better personally.
As humans, we don’t ever want to be in a situation where we have to accept any of these statements, so we come up with evasive maneuvers to dodge the situation. It’s easier to avoid than to find out the reality. The great news is that all of us are in the same boat because these fears are universal. All you need to do is take the initiative and begin dealing with these. You will find that people will appreciate your efforts.
The thing to remember is when we are taking a risk, there is a perceived threat that you may not be good enough to pull it off. When you are vulnerable to people, there is a perceived threat that they will judge you and reject you. Sometimes, the mere expectation from oneself is enough for us to take it personally.
Fear is an important emotion to ensure our survival. Someone once told me that FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. Now when I experience fear, I take it as a sign that I am onto something worthwhile, something bigger than myself and something risky that’s potentially rewarding. That is what fear is and that’s how I can be truly fearless.