Agreeableness means being pleasant, likable, and fun to be around. People generally like agreeable people. For some people, it comes naturally, while for others, it is a struggle. If you fall in the latter category, you might wonder if you can be more agreeable or if you must continue to be an asshole to people.
It is what it is. Agreeableness is a personality trait. You can’t alter your tendencies just because you wish to do so. Whether you are naturally likable or not, it is a part of who you are and how people will perceive you most of the time. Doing otherwise requires tremendous effort because you have to go against your instincts. It can be exhausting.
Can You Change?
It works both ways. If you are agreeable, you might wonder if you are too lovely and should curtail it a bit. Being nice all the time also has its fair share of problems. You may find it hard to be direct with people, and sometimes you must be rude to prevent people from walking all over you. You may not feel comfortable doing something that might upset others and constantly wonder if it is worth it.
The good news is that you are not doomed to behave one way or the other if you wish to change how you deal with people. You can adapt your behavior if you make a conscious effort. It is uncomfortable initially, but I promise you it becomes easier over time.
You can observe a similar pattern between introverts and extroverts. Not all introverts are shy, and not all extroverts socialize all the time. Many introverts can be social, and many extroverts enjoy solitude. They can adapt to their situation and flip the switch when required. The key is that they have learned and acquired those behaviors.
You can do the same regarding your agreeableness. I know because I have done the same for myself. I am an introvert, but I learned to be comfortable in social situations. Sometimes, I am too nice and accommodating. I wouldn’t say I like upsetting people, but I have learned to put my foot down and be direct if that’s what’s required.
But Why Though?
On a deeper level, it is satisfying to know that you are not as rigid as you think and can change if you are willing. It is optional to change your tendencies, but it is essential to be flexible. Things become a lot easier if you can adapt when required. You become more effective at handling situations. It is a skill worth having in your arsenal.
How do we start the process of adjusting our agreeableness? Firstly, there is no four-step process. You have to make a conscious effort and do the hard work. Find the moments where acting against your instinct is worth the effort. Start small and gradually build your stamina. It will be exhausting at first, but soon you will get more comfortable. I purposely use gym terms because this process is similar to building muscle.
The Agreeable/Asshole Switch
You don’t have to go from one extreme to the other. You can flip the switch between being agreeable and being a jerk for short periods. For example, at work, you can be more agreeable instead of dismissing other people’s ideas for the duration of a meeting. Conversely, you can try being a jerk for a particular conversation where you know that being nice has not worked.
The idea is to be able to flip the switch between being agreeable and being an asshole strategically. If you can do so, you will find that people will start taking you more seriously. If you are a jerk most of the time but then compliment someone, they will know you are being honest. You wouldn’t have given a compliment if they didn’t deserve it. Similarly, if you are primarily agreeable but occasionally voice your displeasure, the other person will be more considerate.
If you are still wondering how you will accomplish the shift, don’t worry. You already know the basics because it’s hard-wired. Humans have multifaceted personalities, not one-dimensional. Your nature is contextual and has multiple layers. You act differently with different people depending on the situation and the context.
People can be different versions of themselves. They can behave one way at work and be completely different in their personal life. I am very different when I am with my family than when I am with a client. I am two completely distinct people when I am talking to an audience and interacting with the same people off-stage. You already have the building blocks you need to get started.