In the animal kingdom, animals tend to flock together with their kind. Tigers prowl with tigers, lions hunt with lions, and alley cats scurry with other alley cats. The principle of similarity breeding attraction is clear. However, when it comes to humans, the dynamics shift. Big cats—metaphorically speaking—understand an important secret: sometimes, delaying the revelation of shared interests or experiences can have a much stronger impact. Letting others discover your similarity, rather than announcing it immediately, often leads to more powerful connections. Above all, the key is not to appear too eager to create rapport. This article will explore using this technique to forge more meaningful relationships.
The Instant “Me, Too!” Trap
At the core of human interaction is the desire for connection. When someone mentions an experience, hobby, or interest that we share, our natural reaction is to immediately highlight our own similar experience. It’s a way to quickly bond and establish common ground. The problem is that immediately jumping in with a “Me too!” you risk undermining the conversation’s depth and flow. Think of it like rushing to show someone your shoes before they’ve even taken a good look at theirs. It distracts from the conversation, makes you appear eager to prove your worth, and often takes the focus off the other person’s experiences.
When you dive in with your own “me too,” you can easily come across as trying too hard to impress or validate yourself. It’s an instinctual behavior that stems from a need to be accepted but often has the opposite effect. Instead of letting your conversation partner enjoy sharing their story, you rush to compete. In doing so, you remove the pleasure they might feel from expressing themselves fully.
By holding back, you signal that you are comfortable with silence and confident enough to let the conversation unfold at its own pace. Restraint allows the conversation to develop organically, making the eventual reveal of your shared experience more impactful. People naturally enjoy talking about their passions. The longer you allow them to share without interruption, the more deeply they feel understood and appreciated. This can create a stronger emotional bond, turning what might have been a quick exchange into a more substantial connection.
A Personal Experience: Skiing and Aspen
Consider a situation where you’re speaking to someone about a shared passion. In my case, I was discussing skiing with a new acquaintance, elaborating on the various resorts I’d visited, the conditions I’d skied in, and my thoughts on the differences between artificial and natural snow. I was deeply immersed in the conversation, enjoying sharing my experiences, and my new acquaintance listened attentively but did not immediately chime in about his skiing experiences.
Only later in the conversation, after I had thoroughly expressed my enthusiasm, he casually mentioned that he had an apartment in Aspen. The effect of his revelation was striking. Had he interjected with that information at the beginning of the conversation, it might have just been another interesting but not particularly memorable detail. However, by waiting until the end of the exchange, he allowed the conversation to unfold naturally. His delayed mention of his Aspen ski pad felt much more significant because it was surprising and impressive information at the right moment.
This is a prime example of how timing can make a huge difference. When he waited, he didn’t just make the conversation about skiing; he made it about a shared passion that connected us more profoundly. The delayed reveal of his connection to Aspen didn’t just add information to the conversation—it transformed it. What could have been a casual chat about skiing turned into a deeper connection over a shared love for the sport. This approach builds intrigue, increases the emotional weight of the moment, and enhances the connection subtly yet powerfully.
The Power of Restraint: Let Them Talk First
One of the most powerful tools in communication is restraint. Often, when we hear something we connect with, the temptation is to jump in and share our experience right away. But sometimes, the greatest gift we can offer in conversation is the ability to listen. Allowing someone to express themselves fully, without rushing to add our input, can deepen the connection. It shows that we value their perspective and are genuinely interested in what they say.
When someone talks about an experience, a trip, or an activity they’re passionate about, holding back your own story can be incredibly effective. Not only does it give the other person the space to enjoy their monologue, but it also makes them feel heard and appreciated. Trying to relate everything back to ourselves is tempting, but true connection often comes from letting the other person take the spotlight.
Allowing someone to talk first establishes you as an active listener. Letting them share their experiences freely allows them to elaborate, reflect, and engage. This makes the eventual moment when you reveal your shared interest or experience much more meaningful. It shows that you’ve been paying attention, that you’ve been present, and that you’ve given them the space to express themselves fully. This is the essence of rapport building—creating a dynamic where both parties feel heard and valued.
Moreover, letting someone talk first gives you a better understanding of their perspective. You can gather more information about their interests, motivations, and values. This allows you to craft your response in a way that is relevant, deeper, and more meaningful. When the time comes to share your experience, you’ll be able to do so in a way that feels like a natural extension of the conversation rather than an interruption.
The “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’” Technique
Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray hungry for a quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest, or it will seem like you’re being tricky.
Technique #27 – Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”
The “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’” technique isn’t just about waiting for the right moment to reveal your common interests; it’s about demonstrating confidence and self-assurance. When you hold back and wait to share your shared interest, you signal that you don’t need immediate validation to feel secure in the conversation. This approach is grounded in emotional intelligence and understanding the subtle interaction cues. Delaying the “me too” demonstrates that you are confident in building connections without rushing the process.
Waiting to reveal your shared experiences enhances the overall depth of the conversation. Holding back allows the other person to take center stage, allowing their passions and experiences to shine. Then, when you reveal your similarity, it doesn’t just feel like a trivial acknowledgment—it feels like an addition to the conversation. It enhances the connection, making it feel more significant. This creates a lasting impression, turning a simple exchange into something memorable.
The skill of timing is essential here. If you’re too quick to reveal your connection, it might seem like you’re trying to compete or diminish the other person’s experience. If you wait too long, it could feel like you’re trying to hide your similarity, or worse, that you’re being dishonest. The balance lies in waiting just long enough to show your genuine interest while ensuring that your eventual revelation adds to the conversation rather than overshadowing it.
In essence, this technique is about shifting the dynamic. By holding back your “me too,” you let the other person shine, which makes your eventual revelation feel more like an enhancement than a comparison. The conversation becomes a dance, with each person sharing and connecting rather than trying to dominate the discussion. This builds a more balanced, engaging conversation that will leave a deeper, more meaningful impression.
Avoid Being Too Cautious
While the “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’” technique is powerful, striking the right balance is important. Waiting too long to reveal your similarity can create tension or seem overly cautious. Knowing when to share your connection is key to feeling natural and enhancing the conversation. The purpose of this technique is not to manipulate or create an artificial dynamic; it’s about using timing to make your similarity more impactful.
If you withhold too much information, the other person may begin to feel that you’re being evasive or that there’s something disingenuous about your behavior. The key is to trust your instincts. Once the conversation has reached a natural flow and the other person has had a chance to share their thoughts fully, you can reveal your common interest. Timing is crucial. If you wait too long, the conversation could feel incomplete. If you reveal your similarity too early, it risks feeling like you’re just trying to match them instead of genuinely connecting.
This balancing act reflects your emotional intelligence. You need to gauge the pace of the conversation and understand when your moment to share has arrived. It’s about creating an organic, reciprocal exchange where both parties feel heard and valued. The best timing feels seamless, and your shared experience feels like a natural part of the conversation, not an attempt to win over the other person.
Conclusion: The Confidence of the Big Cat
Ultimately, this technique is about confidence. When you wait to reveal your commonality, you signal that you don’t need immediate validation to feel secure in the conversation. You let the other person bask in the joy of sharing their passion while subtly enhancing the rapport you’re building. Like a big cat who doesn’t need to rush or scramble to find connections, you take your time, understand the nuances of interaction, and let your shared experiences speak for themselves at the right moment.
By following this approach, you can create conversations that are not only memorable but also more meaningful, leaving a lasting impression long after the words have been spoken.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.