The esteemed Stoic philosopher Epictetus illuminates a fundamental tenet of Stoic philosophy: the distinction between what lies within our control and what does not. At the core of this principle is the idea that our happiness and well-being hinge on our ability to discern and navigate these boundaries effectively.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .”
—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
The Nature of Control
Life is rife with circumstances beyond our influence, often leading us into a quagmire of frustration. Every day presents us with myriad situations that test our patience and resilience. Picture this: a flight is delayed due to inclement weather. The chaos of missed connections and rescheduled plans weighs heavily on the shoulders of weary travelers. No amount of yelling at an airline representative will alter the forces of nature. The storm rages on, indifferent to human emotion.
Similarly, consider the aspects of our identities we often lament. We cannot transform our inherent traits, whether it be our height, ethnicity, or family background. These are immutable characteristics shaped by the whims of chance and circumstance. The reality is stark—certain facets of our existence are simply unchangeable.
This realization liberates us. By accepting that some events lie beyond our grasp, we can divert our focus to areas where our actions can effect change. For instance, if a project at work goes awry due to unforeseen circumstances, we cannot rewind time to prevent those issues.
However, we can control our reaction—whether to adapt our strategy, collaborate with colleagues to find solutions, or learn from the experience to prevent similar pitfalls in the future. Engaging in futile struggles against these immovable objects drains our time and energy. Instead, it is essential to recognize the finite nature of our resources and prioritize our efforts accordingly.
The Serenity Prayer: A Guiding Principle
The recovery community embodies this principle through the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This succinct yet powerful invocation encapsulates the essence of emotional resilience. It encourages individuals, particularly those grappling with addiction, to confront their reality with honesty and clarity.
Consider the addict who cannot alter the abuse suffered in childhood. The scars of their past may linger, affecting their self-worth and relationships. They cannot undo the choices they have made or the hurt they have caused to themselves and others. However, the future remains malleable.
They possess the innate ability to reshape their destiny through conscious choices made in the present. Just as Epictetus astutely articulated, the locus of control resides in our current decisions. We may not dictate the past, but we hold the reins of our present and future.
The wisdom in the Serenity Prayer is a tool for introspection, prompting individuals to assess their lives. The first step is acceptance—recognizing the immutable aspects of their past or external circumstances that can’t be altered.
Following acceptance is the cultivation of courage—the resolve to confront the present and make choices that lead to positive change. Finally, the prayer urges a deep, reflective understanding of what is within our purview. This discernment becomes a powerful ally in navigating life’s complexities.
The Empowerment of Choice
This philosophy extends far beyond recovery; it resonates deeply with our everyday lives. The empowerment that arises from recognizing our capacity for choice is transformative. By meticulously discerning the elements of our day that fall within our control, we cultivate a sense of agency and empowerment. Each decision becomes a stepping stone toward a more fulfilling existence.
Imagine starting your day with intention. You may not control how many emails flood your inbox or the unpredictable traffic in your commute, but you can choose how you respond to these challenges. You can approach your tasks with mindfulness and focus, creating a structured plan for your day. You can choose to engage in healthy habits, such as taking time for meditation, exercise, or nourishing meals, all of which contribute to your well-being.
You cannot control whether the sun will shine or rain will fall, but you can choose how to respond to whatever weather greets you. Opting for a brisk walk in the rain can transform a dreary day into a refreshing experience. It shifts your perspective from one of lamentation to one of appreciation for the present moment. In contrast, lamenting the weather only invites dissatisfaction and missed opportunities.
Moreover, each choice we make has a ripple effect. Fostering positive relationships, whether with colleagues or family, enriches our lives and creates a supportive environment. Conversely, harboring negativity or resentment can cloud our interactions and diminish our quality of life. The clarity we gain from understanding our capacity for choice enables us to curate a life that aligns with our values and aspirations.
The Distinction Between Control and Chaos
The failure to acknowledge this distinction often leads to chaos in our lives. Individuals who invest their energy in futile battles against uncontrollable externals find themselves perpetually frustrated. Their emotional landscape becomes a tempest of anxiety and despair. The relentless pursuit of outcomes beyond our influence fosters a cycle of despair, diverting attention from the fertile ground of actionable choices.
Consider the individual who is fixated on their neighbor’s lifestyle. This person may spend countless hours comparing themselves to others, fostering feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Instead of channeling energy toward self-improvement or pursuing personal goals, they remain ensnared in the chaos of envy. They fail to recognize that their focus on another’s life diverts them from making positive changes in their own.
Instead of wrestling with circumstances like a delayed flight or unrequited feelings, we should invest our energy into pursuits that yield positive outcomes. Perhaps this means enhancing skills at work, nurturing relationships, or engaging in personal development. The key lies in redirecting focus from the chaos of externalities to the empowerment of our choices.
This process may involve setting boundaries—both with ourselves and with others. For example, if social media fosters feelings of inadequacy, it may be time to reevaluate our consumption. Creating boundaries around our online engagement can create space for more meaningful interactions.
A Clearer Path to Happiness
When we consciously delineate what we can control from what we cannot, we unlock a pathway to happiness. This clarity enhances our emotional well-being and provides a distinct advantage over others who remain ensnared in unwinnable battles. The clarity we achieve through this process fosters resilience, enabling us to withstand life’s inevitable challenges.
As we cultivate this practice, we discover a profound truth: true fulfillment arises not from external validation but from our ability to make conscious choices aligned with our values. Embracing this philosophy cultivates a sense of inner peace, allowing us to navigate life’s turbulence with grace and equanimity.
We learn that happiness is not a destination but a journey, one that thrives on the choices we make each day. This awareness imbues our lives with purpose, enabling us to move forward with intention and clarity. By relinquishing our grip on uncontrollable externals, we liberate ourselves to pursue the choices that define our character and direction. Ultimately, this conscious engagement with our choices empowers us to lead a life of purpose, fulfillment, and serenity.
Daily Stoic Meditation: What Things Are Truly in My Control?
There are times when I feel everything is out of control. I feel powerless and lost. It is as if I am going in a downward spiral, feeling bad about not accomplishing anything and getting stuck, which leads to feeling worse about myself.
I find it difficult to stick to my diet. I just can’t seem to stick to it for any time, and I get frustrated every time this happens. When I look at this situation from a birds-eye view, it is about making the right decision whenever a temptation presents itself. That is what is in my control, the decision I make whenever I feel like eating sweets or gulping down a bottle of cola.
Sometimes, I get angry with other drivers because they are stupid. It’s almost like a reflex, where I get bent out of shape momentarily. Upon reflection, I realized that the way other people drive is not my control, so there is no reason to react when other people make errors. I truly have control over my driving and choosing what irritates me.
There are many things I can’t change about myself, but I can control how I react to situations.
Conclusion
Stoicism offers invaluable insights into the nature of control and choice, guiding us toward a life of inner peace, resilience, and virtue. By discerning between what is within our sphere of influence and what lies beyond it, we liberate ourselves from the futile pursuit of trying to change external circumstances.
Instead, we focus on cultivating mindfulness, embracing the power of choice, and navigating life’s challenges with wisdom and fortitude. Through the Stoic lens, we discover that true freedom and fulfillment arise not from controlling the external world but from mastering our internal responses and living per our values. Embracing the principles of Stoicism empowers us to lead lives of purpose, integrity, and resilience, regardless of the circumstances we may face.
This article belongs to The Daily Stoic Meditations Series based on the book by Ryan Holiday.