In a chaotic and unpredictable world, one of the most empowering practices is the ability to differentiate between what we can control and what we cannot. The Stoic principle, famously articulated by the philosopher Epictetus, offers a roadmap for navigating life’s challenges with calm and clarity.
By focusing on the choices we can make and letting go of the external factors beyond our influence, we free ourselves from unnecessary stress and frustration. This article explores the profound impact of this Stoic practice and how it can help us live with purpose, peace, and a distinct advantage over those who remain caught in the chaos of trying to control the uncontrollable.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .”
—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
The Stoic Practice of Differentiation
The Stoic practice of differentiating between what is within our control and what is not is a cornerstone of this ancient philosophy, and for good reason. Life is full of circumstances that we cannot change—external events, other people’s actions, the weather, the passage of time—yet we often find ourselves reacting to these uncontrollable factors as if we could influence them. This leads to unnecessary stress and frustration, distracting us from the more important task: focusing on our responses and decisions.
To fully grasp the power of this differentiation, let’s break it down. At any given moment, we face many challenges, ranging from small annoyances to significant life-changing events. A delayed flight, for example, might initially seem like a minor inconvenience, but our reaction to it can quickly escalate into something far more stressful. We might feel angered or helpless because we cannot control the cause of the delay—a storm, a technical malfunction, or air traffic control issues. However, the wisdom of Stoicism urges us to pause and recognize that no amount of frustration will change the weather or the mechanics of the airplane. This recognition immediately frees us from the emotional drain of trying to control the uncontrollable.
The more we practice this differentiation, the more we realize how often we spend our energy on things outside our control—other people’s opinions, societal expectations, and random events. For example, we cannot control someone else’s behavior or feelings toward us. We may try to make people like or appreciate us, but no effort can change their inner thoughts or desires. We can stop wasting time and energy on externalities by focusing on this internal distinction. Instead, we can redirect our efforts toward actions within our influence, such as our attitudes, decisions, and responses to challenges. Stoicism teaches that peace comes not from controlling the world around us but from mastering our reactions to it.
This principle, though simple, is incredibly powerful. It allows us to reclaim our energy and focus on what truly matters: our choices in the present moment. Once we fully accept that some things are beyond our reach, we experience a shift in perspective. We stop fighting against life’s uncontrollable elements and start taking responsibility for the one thing we can always influence—our own choices and actions.
The Serenity Prayer: Acceptance and Action
The Serenity Prayer is a widely recognized wisdom, especially in recovery communities. Its profound simplicity resonates with Stoic philosophy. It reads: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer is not just a plea for divine intervention but a guide to living with a clear understanding of where our energy is best spent.
The first part of the prayer—“the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”—echoes the Stoic emphasis on acceptance. Life is unpredictable and filled with things beyond our control, such as our past experiences, the actions of others, and natural events. Accepting these limitations doesn’t mean passivity or resignation; rather, it’s about releasing the futile effort of trying to alter what cannot be changed. The serenity here comes from knowing that we are not meant to change everything and that our power is in how we respond to the world.
Take the example of personal trauma. We cannot undo the past or erase the hurt caused by others. The Serenity Prayer acknowledges this, and accepting it brings great peace. By releasing the grip on the past, we can focus on what we can control: our thoughts, actions, and decisions moving forward.
The second part of the prayer—“the courage to change the things I can”—speaks to action. While acceptance is crucial, it is not the end of the story. We are capable of changing certain aspects of our lives. This could involve making different choices, setting boundaries, or taking proactive steps toward growth. Courage is required to make those changes, particularly when faced with difficult decisions or uncomfortable situations. It’s about embracing the present moment and taking ownership of the future we are actively creating.
The final part of the prayer—the wisdom to know the difference—addresses the crucial skill of discernment. Knowing what we can and cannot change is not always easy. It requires clarity, introspection, and an honest assessment of the situation. Developing this wisdom is vital to living with peace and purpose in a world that often feels chaotic and out of control. When we learn to differentiate between what is in our power and what is not, we can avoid wasted effort and focus on actions that will bring about positive change.
The Serenity Prayer is not just about accepting the things we cannot change but also about harnessing the courage to make meaningful changes in the areas over which we have control. This balance between acceptance and action allows us to navigate life with confidence and serenity, knowing that we are making the most of the opportunities available.
The Power of Focusing on What We Can Control
Focusing on what we can control is one of the most empowering practices in Stoic philosophy. Anyone can adopt this practice, regardless of their circumstances. When we actively focus on the things within our control, we shift our attention from external distractions to internal agency. This focus enables us to take meaningful actions, providing a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
Take, for example, a professional setting where you might feel frustrated by external factors—changes in company policy, the behavior of your colleagues, or market conditions. These factors may be beyond your control, but how you respond to them is entirely within your influence. You can choose how to adapt, communicate, and manage your work and emotions. Focusing on these controllable elements empowers you to create change in your own life, regardless of the circumstances.
Similarly, consider how we respond to setbacks. We cannot control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react. If we fail at something or face disappointment, we can learn from it, adjust our approach, and try again. By focusing on what we can control—our reactions and decisions—we remove the helplessness that comes from focusing on the uncontrollable.
This practice of focusing on controllables brings immense peace and freedom. It stops us from feeling like victims of external forces and empowers us to take charge of our lives. When we recognize that our only real control is over our choices, we stop wasting energy trying to control things beyond our reach. This reduces stress and builds resilience as we become more adept at navigating life’s challenges calmly and purposefully.
Additionally, focusing on what we can control boosts our productivity and effectiveness. In any situation, whether at work, in relationships, or personal development, there are always elements we can influence. Whether it’s how we spend our time, the goals we set, or the relationships we nurture, these are all areas where we can make a difference. We improve our lives and contribute to the greater good by directing our energy toward these areas.
The Advantage of Clarity in Control
Clarity is perhaps the most underrated yet powerful benefit of understanding what we can and cannot control. When we are clear about the scope of our influence, we can approach each situation with a focused and purposeful mindset. This clarity helps us prioritize our actions and avoid wasting time and energy on futile endeavors.
Think about a typical day. We are bombarded with constant information, demands, and distractions. It’s easy to get caught up in things that are irrelevant or beyond our control—how others perceive us, the success of projects that are out of our hands, or even societal pressures to conform. However, when we gain clarity about what is in our control, we can tune out the noise and focus on the actions that matter most.
For instance, we cannot control how others act but how we engage with them. We cannot dictate the outcome of a project, but we can choose how to contribute to its success. This clarity allows us to cut through distractions and focus on the most important tasks. By embracing this perspective, we become more effective and fulfilled in our pursuits, as we no longer waste energy on things that do not serve us.
Moreover, clarity in control reduces stress. When we accept that some things are outside our influence, we stop taking responsibility for them. We no longer feel guilty for things beyond our reach; instead, we focus on what we can do. This brings a sense of relief and peace, as we are no longer weighed down by the overwhelming sense of needing to control everything.
Clarity also allows us to make better decisions. When we know exactly what is within our control, we can make choices that align with our values and goals. This clarity improves our well-being and enhances our interactions with others as we approach relationships and situations with a calm, purposeful mindset. By embracing the clarity of control, we gain a significant advantage over others who remain trapped in the chaos of trying to control the uncontrollable.
Daily Stoic Meditation: What Things Are Truly in My Control?
There are times when I feel everything is out of control. I feel powerless and lost. It is as if I am going in a downward spiral, feeling bad about not accomplishing anything and getting stuck, which leads to feeling worse about myself.
I find it difficult to stick to my diet. I can’t seem to stick to it for any time, and I get frustrated every time this happens. When I look at this situation from a bird’s-eye view, it is about making the right decision whenever a temptation presents itself. That is what is in my control: the decision I make whenever I feel like eating sweets or gulping down a bottle of cola.
Sometimes, I get angry with other drivers because they are stupid. It’s almost like a reflex, where I get bent out of shape momentarily. Upon reflection, I realized that the way other people drive is not my control, so there is no reason to react when other people make errors. I truly have control over my driving and choosing what irritates me.
There are many things I can’t change about myself, but I can control how I react to situations.
Conclusion
Stoicism offers invaluable insights into the nature of control and choice, guiding us toward a life of inner peace, resilience, and virtue. By discerning between what is within our sphere of influence and what lies beyond it, we liberate ourselves from the futile pursuit of trying to change external circumstances.
Instead, we focus on cultivating mindfulness, embracing the power of choice, and navigating life’s challenges with wisdom and fortitude. Through the Stoic lens, we discover that true freedom and fulfillment arise not from controlling the external world but from mastering our internal responses and living per our values. Embracing the principles of Stoicism empowers us to lead lives of purpose, integrity, and resilience, regardless of the circumstances we may face.
This article is a part of The Daily Stoic Meditations Series based on Ryan Holiday’s book.