I have always needed help making friends. I was a loner with few friends. Introducing myself to new people is hard, and I take a long time to get comfortable with people. I was always fascinated by the idea of having “real” friends. I wanted a tightly bonded, close-knit group that would be my partners-in-crime. It’s a dramatic notion inspired by the films I watched where two people had been friends for decades. But my definition of what a friend was underwent many revisions over time.
A friend is someone happy and willing to make a sacrifice for you. They look out for you and care about you. They are there for you when you need them. They make you a priority. That is as realistic as I can be on the subject. Anyone who meets this benchmark is a friend; all others are merely acquaintances. Friendship is not about how long you have known someone or how often you meet them.
Friends and Acquaintances
Here’s the difference: acquaintances have shared self-interest. They are attached to you for mutual benefit for a short period. They are your colleagues or someone working on a project with you. You have many such people in your life; you spend most of your time with them. There’s no intimacy or comfort for either person. Friendships form when people make each other a priority when required.
Making friends is becoming difficult because of an unfortunate trend in our society. Loneliness is increasing with time. People are secluding themselves, choosing to spend time alone than with others. A large part of the problem is the ability to remain virtually connected, which is a double-edged sword at its best. The sense of intimacy in friendship is diminishing as people’s time and attention get increasingly fragmented by other priorities.
Why is it hard to make friends as an adult?
Kids are carefree creatures. They have a lot of time and no responsibility. It is easier to make friends as kids in school or college because you spend a lot of time with the people you meet there. You share experiences that shape your personality growing up. It has nothing to do with being shy as an adult or age. As kids, you have the time to prioritize the people around you. The key to being successful at anything, including making friends, is spending time.
It becomes challenging to make friends as an adult because many things are going on in your life. You lead a busy life with family, work, and many other things demanding your attention. You are pursuing your life goals, earning money, and building assets, and you also need time for yourself. You barely have time to take care of yourself, so your social life is the first thing to go for a toss.
Friendships rely on shared experiences, but that hardly seems possible for a good reason. It is hard to put everything aside and find a mutually convenient time to get together. You can imagine, whatever is going on with you, the other person is just as busy as you, if not more. There are opportunity costs to spending time with friends. All that time spent drinking; you could have been doing something else.
Prioritize people
All things said and done; you are still a social being. You want companionship and camaraderie in your life; everyone does. The key to building strong friendships is making your friends a priority. You must make a conscious effort to prioritize people. It starts when a person goes the extra mile, taking it upon themselves to stay connected until the other reciprocates. My experience is that, like you are waiting for the others, they are waiting for someone else to reach out. That person who takes the initiative could be you.
My mother taught me this unwritten rule of friendship early in life. She kept in touch with friends from the early 90s, who are still a part of our lives. All because she made the extra effort early on until they responded. It’s as simple as checking in on people occasionally. Soon, the other person begins to expect your message and waits for your call. Then it becomes a part of their life, and they also want to talk to you.
I do the same as best as I can. I met my best friend in 2010 when I changed schools. During school days, we only spent a little bit of time together. Our friendship grew strong because of our time after our school days. We lost touch when we went to college. I made it a point that I met him at least once whenever we were in the same city. While I spent a week in Switzerland, I met him in Zurich. He is like a brother to me. I came back home to attend his wedding because we both know I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.
Friends look out for each other. They show up when you need help. My time in France gave me another fantastic friend. We lived in the same building. He used to take my very reluctant self for some much-needed exercise. He helped me with my French, among many other things. Both of us were in a foreign country and out of our element. We developed a brotherly bond. (You know I am talking about you, Panther! Wakanda Forever!)
Make Your Move!
Who do you make a priority in your life? Who will show up for you when you need it the most? My struggle to make friends early on taught me how to value my friends. I learned to make friends when I started investing my time and effort in the people around me. Every encounter with a stranger is an opportunity to make a friend because it is up to you to take the initiative. After all, you need a friend, and the world is waiting for you to make your move.