In any social or professional setting, the ability to connect with the right people can significantly shape the trajectory of your life. Politicians, business leaders, and successful networkers understand that the power to form valuable relationships lies in choosing, not waiting. Instead of relying on chance encounters or hoping someone will approach them, they actively scan the room (rubberneck the room), seeking individuals who could provide insights, opportunities, or mentorship. This mindset isn’t just for politicians or CEOs—it’s a practice anyone can adopt to meet the people who will truly enrich their lives. By learning to read people beyond the surface and engaging, you can transform every interaction into a potential life-changing connection.
The Power of the Gaze: Decoding People Without Words
In networking and social interactions, how we observe others plays a pivotal role in determining the success of our connections. With their deep understanding of human nature, politicians know the importance of reading people and using their observations to navigate social events. Instead of waiting for others to approach them, they actively look for valuable, influential, or interesting individuals. They do this through a process known as “rubbernecking the room,” a deliberate scan of the crowd that allows them to choose who to engage with rather than passively waiting for someone to approach them.
This is a crucial skill for anyone looking to expand their network or connect with people who can positively influence their lives. The human gaze carries a wealth of information that goes beyond basic appearance. When you look at someone, a wealth of unspoken communication takes place. For instance, how someone holds their gaze, the expressiveness in their eyes, or even the subtle movements around their face and body can reveal much about their personality, state of mind, and life experiences. Every person you observe holds a unique story, and the eyes provide the most immediate window into that narrative.
The eyes often give away signs of personality traits such as confidence, openness, intelligence, or even vulnerability. For instance, a confident person may have steady, clear eyes, while someone more reserved or anxious may avoid direct eye contact or shift their gaze quickly. A deep-set gaze can suggest someone reflective or thoughtful, while a bright, lively gaze may indicate someone social and energetic. This becomes especially important when identifying who could be a valuable person to connect with in a networking setting.
Unfortunately, many people avoid making direct eye contact, especially with strangers. We’re often taught that staring at someone can be rude or invasive, so we unconsciously avoid engaging with others on this deeper level. This fear of discomfort leads to missed opportunities for connection. However, making purposeful eye contact can be incredibly revealing and is an excellent way to build rapport. Through sustained eye contact, you message that you’re engaged and interested in the person, making them feel seen and appreciated.
During a networking seminar, I guide participants through an exercise where they are asked to walk around the room and silently observe each other while making eye contact. This exercise helps them break free from the discomfort of meeting strangers and forces them to look beyond the superficial to understand the deeper qualities of the people they encounter. In doing so, they practice reading people and prepare themselves to make meaningful connections in real-life scenarios. By truly looking at people, we unlock a deeper understanding of who they are, ultimately guiding us in choosing who we want to talk to rather than waiting for someone to choose us.
The Beautiful People Myth: Discovering Beauty Beyond the Surface
When we think of networking, we often assume that the most attractive individuals are worth connecting with. It’s an instinct to gravitate toward beauty, typically associated with success, confidence, or social power. However, this assumption can be misleading. In reality, the most valuable connections often come from people who may not fit the traditional mold of attractiveness but possess unique qualities that make them worthwhile to know.
Beauty is highly subjective, and when we take the time to observe others genuinely, we discover that true beauty comes in many forms. During the networking seminar, I challenge participants to step beyond their usual preferences and look at the faces in the room with fresh eyes. I ask them to search for qualities beyond physical appearance and recognize the inner beauty that radiates from people when they are authentic, confident, or passionate about something. It’s in the way people carry themselves, the energy they project, and the emotions they convey that beauty is revealed.
This realization occurred to me in a very personal way when I met Chip. On the surface, Chip didn’t seem to possess any typical traits one would associate with physical attractiveness. He was shorter than average, had a large nose, and wore thick glasses that often obscured his expression. At a glance, he could have easily been overlooked. However, when I observed him closely, something incredible happened. I began to notice the subtleties in his face—the way his eyes sparkled with intelligence, the warmth in his smile, and the profound empathy in his expressions. His beauty wasn’t in his physical traits but in the richness of his spirit. Over time, Chip became my closest friend, and his beauty only deepened as I got to know him. It wasn’t the conventional beauty that people often chase; it was a deeper, more meaningful kind of beauty that comes from within.
This experience taught me a valuable lesson about networking: beauty is not only about what’s on the surface. Getting caught up in looking for the most attractive people at an event is easy, but doing so may cause us to miss out on incredible opportunities. When we choose to focus on the deeper qualities of others—kindness, wisdom, integrity, humor, or warmth—we often find that the most unexpected people can become our greatest allies, friends, or business partners.
In networking, we actively seek out and engage with those who may not fit the traditional definition of beauty but possess qualities that resonate with us. These people may offer new perspectives, challenge our thinking, or provide valuable insights. It’s not just about physical attraction but the connection that goes beyond the surface.
The Strategy of Choosing, Not Waiting
The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform your future may not be at the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event. Do not stand around waiting for the moment when that special person approaches you. You make it happen by exploring every face in the room. No more “ships passing in the night.” Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life.
Technique #73 – Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee
One of the most empowering strategies in any social or business setting is the ability to be the chooser, not the choosee. Too often, we wait for others to come to us, hoping that the right person will approach us or that the perfect opportunity will present itself. The problem with this mindset is that it puts us in a passive position where we are at the mercy of others’ decisions. Instead of waiting for someone to choose us, we should take control of the situation by choosing who we want to connect with.
Being the chooser doesn’t mean being aggressive or overbearing—it means being intentional and proactive in your approach to making connections. This is particularly important at networking events, where there are often numerous people, but only a few who are truly aligned with our goals or values. By scanning the room and actively identifying people you want to talk to, you can prioritize your interactions and make the most of your time. This proactive approach helps you to meet people who resonate with you and who may offer new insights, opportunities, or connections that can impact your life.
When Todd, one of my seminar participants, struggled with making the first move, I encouraged him to approach people with confidence. Initially, He was hesitant, but when he realized he could walk up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m Todd. I wanted to talk to you,” the fear and anxiety quickly dissipated. It was a simple but effective strategy—he didn’t need a fancy opening line or perfect timing. By taking the initiative, he immediately positioned himself as someone who was not afraid to take control of his networking.
The key takeaway here is that we don’t need to wait for the perfect moment to approach someone. Instead of standing by and hoping for someone to notice you, take the initiative to make the first move. By doing this, you actively shape the direction of the conversation and the connection. It’s about taking charge of your networking opportunities and not allowing others to dictate the terms.
This approach also has the added benefit of signaling confidence. When others see that you are someone who confidently makes the first move, they are more likely to view you as someone who is approachable, self-assured, and capable. In turn, this makes it easier for others to approach you, increasing the chances of forming meaningful connections.
Don’t Wait for a “Special Someone”
One of the most common misconceptions in networking and social interactions is the belief that the most important people in your life will appear when the time is right. This idea is often romanticized in movies and stories, where the perfect business partner, friend, or romantic partner is supposed to walk into your life at the perfect moment. However, in real life, this is rarely the case. The people who will truly make a difference in your life are not necessarily going to approach you—they may be standing right in front of you, waiting for you to make the first move.
Networking is about being proactive, not passive. If you sit around waiting for the “special someone” to approach you, you may miss countless opportunities to build meaningful relationships. Instead, you should take the initiative to seek out the people who could potentially change your life. These people are not always easy to spot, and sometimes they may not seem like the obvious choice at first. But when you actively choose who you engage with, you open yourself up to unexpected connections that can enrich your personal or professional life.
The idea of waiting for the “right moment” or the “perfect person” is an outdated way of thinking. In today’s world, opportunities are all around us, and it’s up to us to recognize and seize them. By actively choosing who you want to talk to and engage with, you position yourself to connect with people who align with your goals, values, and aspirations.
In the long run, it’s the people you choose to surround yourself with that will shape your future. These are the people who will challenge you, inspire you, and help you grow. So, don’t wait for someone to come to you—take charge and actively seek out the connections that can change your life.
Conclusion
Ultimately, the key to meeting the people you want to meet lies in your ability to be proactive, choose your targets, and connect with others on a deeper level. The most successful networkers are those who don’t wait for the perfect moment but make every event an opportunity to seek out valuable connections. By looking beyond appearances and focusing on the true essence of people, you’ll discover relationships that go beyond superficial exchanges. The next time you find yourself at a gathering, take a moment to scan the room, make eye contact, and approach those who resonate with you. It’s time to stop waiting for opportunities to come to you and start creating them yourself.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.