In a world where we constantly strive to improve, whether in our personal lives or careers, one thing seems to trip us up repeatedly: accepting compliments. It’s a strange social quirk that leaves many of us fumbling for words, awkwardly brushing off praise, or rejecting it entirely. Yet, the ability to receive compliments with grace is an essential skill that can strengthen relationships, boost self-esteem, and create a more positive social environment. It’s a skill many cultures, particularly the French, have perfected, and it’s time for us to embrace it. So why is it so difficult to accept compliments, and what can we do to change this? Let’s explore how we can break the cycle of awkwardness and learn to handle praise with the poise it deserves with the Boomeranging technique.
The French Do It Better
The French have long been celebrated for their approach to social grace, and their handling of compliments is no exception. In French culture, compliments are exchanged easily, where the receiver accepts praise with poise, elegance, and a marked appreciation for the compliment itself. When a French person receives a compliment, their typical response is “Vous êtes gentil,” which translates to “How kind of you.” This phrase is simple yet effective in acknowledging the compliment without overdoing the gratitude. It maintains a level of humility but without dismissing the compliment.
What sets the French approach apart from many other cultures is the subtlety and confidence with which compliments are received. Rather than shrugging them off, responding with self-deprecating remarks, or shying away from the attention, the French accept compliments with a sincere “thank you,” often accompanied by a gentle smile. This behavior is rooted in the cultural value of grace—French people understand that compliments are not just about acknowledging someone’s appearance or achievements but about fostering connection and reinforcing positive energy.
In contrast, many Americans struggle with receiving compliments. There’s a tendency to downplay one’s accomplishments or appearance, often to avoid appearing arrogant or self-centered. For example, an American might respond to a compliment with, “Oh, this old thing?” or “It was nothing,” which may be intended to convey modesty. Still, it diminishes the compliment’s value and leaves the giver feeling awkward or undervalued. It’s a missed opportunity to build rapport and strengthen social bonds.
We can borrow a page from the French playbook to improve how we receive compliments. Instead of deflecting praise, we should accept it with grace and appreciation, recognizing the giver’s kindness and acknowledging their positive perception. When someone compliments you on a job well done or a beautiful outfit, a simple “Thank you, that’s so kind of you” can go a long way in reinforcing the positive energy in the conversation.
The Vicious Cycle of Awkwardness
The dynamics of compliment exchanges often spiral into a cycle of awkwardness, especially when the compliment is not properly received. In social interactions, compliments are a way to create goodwill, build connections, and strengthen relationships. However, when someone responds to a compliment clumsily or dismissively, it creates a chain reaction that can negatively affect future interactions.
Imagine a simple scenario:
He: (smiling) “Hey, that’s a nice dress you’re wearing.” She: (frowning) “Oh, this old thing?”
In this situation, the woman’s response is a form of self-deprecation. She might not intend to dismiss the compliment, but by downplaying it, she inadvertently makes the man feel uncertain about his taste. He might wonder, “Did I say something wrong? Does she think I have terrible taste in clothing?” The awkwardness doesn’t end there. Over time, he may hesitate to compliment her again, and she might start feeling resentful that he doesn’t appreciate or notice her in the same way.
Weeks later, the cycle continues. She might think to herself, “He never compliments me anymore. What a boor!” Meanwhile, he might think, “Why does she seem so upset? I used to compliment her all the time!” This misunderstanding only perpetuates the cycle, creating a sense of frustration on both sides. Neither party gets the emotional satisfaction they seek from the interaction, and the opportunity for deeper connection is lost.
The key to breaking this cycle is changing how to compliments. Instead of deflecting praise or expressing discomfort, we should aim to acknowledge the compliment with gratitude. We affirm the giver’s kindness and encourage further positive interactions. This small change can make a big difference in how we talk about each other and our connection through positive exchanges.
The Danger of Demurring
Many people react reflexively to compliments by downplaying them. This reaction is often rooted in the desire to appear humble or avoid drawing too much attention to oneself. However, this seemingly innocent reaction can be deeply problematic, both for the person receiving the compliment and the person giving it.
When someone says, “You did a fantastic job on that presentation,” and the response is, “Oh, it was nothing,” the compliment is not only dismissed, but the giver’s perception is invalidated. The person who complimented you saw something valuable in your work and took the time to acknowledge it, but by rejecting their praise, you make them feel their judgment was flawed. This subtle insult can have long-term effects on relationships. If someone frequently dismisses compliments, others may stop offering them altogether, believing their praise is unwelcome or unappreciated.
Beyond the impact on the giver, downplaying compliments can also harm the person receiving them. It creates an environment where self-worth is constantly undercut, and the individual never fully internalizes the value of their efforts or qualities. For example, if you constantly brush off compliments about your appearance or abilities, you may start to doubt your worth. This can lead to a negative self-image and diminish your confidence.
Accepting compliments graciously is not about inflating your ego or appearing conceited. It’s about acknowledging the positive recognition you’re receiving and showing gratitude for it. Instead of saying, “It was nothing,” try responding with, “Thank you, I appreciate that.” This simple act of appreciation not only strengthens the relationship with the compliment giver but also reinforces your self-worth and helps you recognize the value of your contributions.
Boomeranging: The Art of Reflecting Compliments
Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments boomerang back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur something that expresses “That’s very kind of you.”
Technique #58 – Boomeranging
Boomeranging is a technique designed to enhance the exchange of compliments and ensure that both parties feel valued and appreciated. The concept behind boomeranging is simple: When someone offers you a compliment, reflect it to them in a way that acknowledges their kindness and creates a deeper connection between you.
For example, if a colleague compliments your work on a project, you could respond by saying, “Thank you so much! Your support and feedback during this project helped me improve the outcome.” Doing so allows you to accept the compliment and recognize the giver’s contribution. This creates a more balanced and mutually appreciative exchange in which both parties feel acknowledged.
Boomeranging works in both casual and professional settings. For example, if a friend says, “I love your new shoes,” instead of just saying, “Thanks,” you could respond, “I’m so glad you like them! I’ve been getting compliments from everyone today.” This response acknowledges the compliment and reflects the positive energy back to the giver. It turns the compliment into a shared moment of positivity and appreciation, strengthening your connection.
In professional settings, boomeranging can also be a powerful tool for building rapport and strengthening workplace relationships. If your boss compliments your performance on a recent task, don’t just say, “Thanks.” Respond with something like, “I appreciate your feedback! Working with the team on this project was a great experience, and I learned a lot from you all.” By doing so, you reflect the praise to the team and acknowledge the collective effort that contributed to your success.
By adopting boomeranging as a regular practice, you make the giver feel good and create a more positive and collaborative atmosphere. This technique fosters goodwill, mutual respect, and a sense of shared appreciation.
Breaking the Cycle: Changing the Narrative Around Compliments
Changing how we approach compliments requires breaking free from ingrained habits and challenging the negative beliefs we may hold about receiving praise. In the case of the seminar participant who believed that women didn’t like compliments, we see how one negative experience can shape a person’s behavior. This individual had received a dismissive response to a compliment he gave and, as a result, became hesitant to offer compliments to others. His assumption about women’s dislike of compliments prevented him from engaging in positive interactions, ultimately stifling his social growth.
It’s crucial to adopt a more open and positive mindset to break the awkwardness and discomfort around compliments. Compliments should not be viewed as a source of discomfort or obligation but as genuine expressions of appreciation. When we give compliments, we do so because we genuinely admire something about another person. Similarly, when someone compliments us, it’s important to recognize that they are expressing admiration or respect.
One way to shift the narrative is to practice giving and receiving compliments in small, everyday interactions. Complimenting someone on their outfit, work, or attitude can have a powerful effect in making them feel good and strengthening your relationship with them. Over time, these exchanges become more natural, and both parties feel more comfortable with compliments.
For example, after the seminar, the participant gave three women sincere compliments about their appearance, which led to a more positive exchange. By giving compliments freely and with genuine intent, he changed his perspective andcreatede more uplifting interactions. Similarly, when we accept compliments with grace and return them in kind, we can create a cycle of positivity that strengthens our social bonds and fosters a more appreciative environment.
Conclusion
Mastering the art of receiving compliments isn’t just about appearing gracious—it’s about fostering connection, boosting your self-worth, and creating an environment where positivity thrives. Whether you take a page from the French playbook with a simple “How kind of you, or embrace the technique of boomeranging to reflect the compliment onto the giver, the key is to acknowledge praise with confidence and appreciation. By breaking the cycle of awkwardness and rejecting self-deprecating responses, we can transform our social interactions, strengthen our relationships, and, most importantly, feel better about ourselves. Compliments are gifts—don’t let them slip away. Accept them, appreciate them, and let them build the positive connections we all need.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.