In personal development and self-improvement, wisdom often transcends time, finding its origins in age-old teachings that remain as relevant today as they were centuries ago. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a treasure trove of such wisdom. In this article, we embark on a journey to explore the profound significance of the third agreement, Don’t Make Assumptions.
Our objective is to uncover the profound impact that assumptions wield over our lives and relationships and to understand how liberating ourselves from the assumption trap can usher in a profound transformation in the way we communicate and, consequently, in the entirety of our existence.
The Hidden Dangers of Assumptions
Assumptions can feel like an invisible force, subtly shaping our perception of the world without our conscious awareness. When we make assumptions, we are essentially creating mental shortcuts to simplify complex situations or emotions. These mental shortcuts can be efficient in the short term, but they are also incredibly misleading. Our minds crave certainty, and assumptions provide us with that certainty—even when it’s entirely unfounded.
At their core, assumptions are based on incomplete information. We take a small fragment of a situation—perhaps an offhand comment, a body gesture, or a glance—and create a whole narrative around it. For example, if someone doesn’t respond to our text message right away, we might assume they’re ignoring us or that they’re upset. This assumption, based on the absence of information, creates unnecessary stress and may prompt us to react defensively, projecting feelings that may not even be true. The person might simply be busy, or their phone may have malfunctioned. But we’ve created an entire emotional world based on our assumption.
The real danger here is the emotional response that follows our assumptions. We allow our minds to create an imagined reality, which in turn influences how we feel and act. The more we invest emotionally in an assumption, the more attached we become to it as truth, even when evidence suggests otherwise. This attachment can lead to unnecessary conflict, hurt feelings, and miscommunication, especially when we base our actions on these unspoken beliefs.
By accepting assumptions as truths, we often distort the reality of the situation, leading to false conclusions. When we assume someone is angry with us, we might withdraw from them, growing more distant and defensive. If that person, unaware of our assumption, continues their day normally, we may feel further isolated. This isolation feeds into our belief that something is wrong, further fueling our assumptions and perpetuating a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and emotional toxicity.
In relationships, this dynamic is particularly harmful. We may assume our partners understand us perfectly, without the need for explicit communication, which inevitably leads to frustration when they fail to meet our expectations. Assumptions may feel comforting, but they often serve as a barrier to true understanding. Instead of questioning and seeking clarity, we opt for mental shortcuts that distort the truth. And in doing so, we leave ourselves vulnerable to the turmoil of unresolved conflicts and missed opportunities for connection.
The War of Control: Assumptions and Misunderstanding
At the heart of making assumptions is the desire for control. We want to feel as though we understand the world around us and the people in it, so we create assumptions as a way to predict and manage outcomes. However, this desire for control often leads us down a path of misunderstanding and conflict. The more we believe that we understand someone’s thoughts, motivations, or behaviors, the more we think we can predict and influence them. But the irony is that assumptions actually take away our control over the situation.
The need for control manifests when we make assumptions about other people’s behavior, often without realizing it. We assume that someone is acting in a certain way for a specific reason, but this belief is based on nothing more than our own internal narrative. For instance, if a colleague doesn’t acknowledge you in the hallway, you might assume they are upset with you or are deliberately ignoring you. However, they could be preoccupied with their own thoughts or distracted by something unrelated to you. By assuming negative intentions, we create emotional tension, often for no reason at all.
This desire to control how others behave, or even how we perceive them, leads to the concept of the “war of control.” We try to influence people’s actions and emotions through our assumptions, projecting our own feelings and needs onto them. When we assume that others will behave in a certain way, we become attached to those assumptions, and when they don’t play out as expected, we react emotionally. The situation escalates when we defend our assumptions, refusing to acknowledge the possibility that we might be wrong. We hold on to the belief that we are right, and in doing so, we may distance ourselves from others and fuel unnecessary conflict.
For example, let’s consider a situation between two friends. One assumes that the other doesn’t care about them because they didn’t return a phone call. The first friend grows upset and withdraws, thinking the other person is deliberately neglecting the friendship. But in reality, the second friend may have simply been busy or going through a difficult time and wasn’t able to return the call. The first friend’s assumption of abandonment creates unnecessary emotional turmoil, and by acting on that assumption, they escalate the situation. Instead of confronting the issue directly, they allow their assumption to dictate their behavior.
This battle of control plays out in all areas of life. We assume we can control how others perceive us, how they treat us, and how they react to our words or actions. When others don’t behave according to our assumptions, we react with frustration or anger, believing that they have failed us in some way. But the reality is that no one can read our minds, and no one can be controlled by our assumptions. By relinquishing the need for control and opening up communication, we allow room for mutual understanding, reducing unnecessary conflict.
The Fantasy World of Assumptions
When we make assumptions, we often create elaborate fantasies in our minds about how things should be or what people think and feel. These assumptions serve as the foundation for an internal narrative that becomes more elaborate over time, as we fill in the gaps with our desires, hopes, and insecurities. However, the problem is that these fantasies have no basis in reality. We live in a world of imagined scenarios, which can cause us to make emotional decisions based on what we want to believe rather than what actually is.
These fantasy worlds can begin with the smallest of actions. A simple glance, a smile, or an ambiguous statement can lead us down a path of assumption where we begin to build a story in our minds. For example, imagine you’re at a social event, and you notice someone glance your way and smile. Instantly, you begin to imagine that this person is interested in you, or perhaps they’re just shy, and the two of you will eventually start a romantic relationship. Before you know it, your mind has created a whole future together—a future based on an assumption.
In reality, the smile might have been a casual gesture, a polite acknowledgment, or even something unrelated to you. But the fantasy continues to grow in your mind, fueled by the assumption that this small act is meaningful. You begin to see signs everywhere that reinforce your belief in this imagined connection. But when reality doesn’t match your assumptions, it can feel like a betrayal. The fantasy world you’ve created shatters, and you experience the pain of disappointment.
This fantasy is particularly harmful in relationships. We may meet someone new and assume that they are perfect for us, imagining a relationship that doesn’t exist outside of our minds. We ignore red flags or dismiss things we don’t like because we want to believe in the fantasy we’ve built. The longer we allow this fantasy to persist, the more difficult it becomes to see the relationship for what it truly is. When our assumptions don’t align with reality, the fallout can be profound. We might feel devastated, betrayed, or confused, even though the situation never really lived up to our expectations.
This fantasy world also plays out in our self-image. We may assume that we are capable of achieving something, like landing a particular job or meeting a personal goal, without fully understanding the challenges involved. We assume that success will come easily, only to be shocked when it takes more time, effort, and sacrifice than we anticipated. Our assumptions about our own abilities can lead to feelings of inadequacy or frustration when we encounter obstacles we didn’t foresee.
Living in a world of assumptions and fantasies ultimately keeps us disconnected from reality. We are so busy imagining how things should be that we miss out on the richness of the present moment. Instead of asking questions, gathering information, and seeing things as they truly are, we cling to our fantasies, letting them shape our emotions and decisions. The result is often confusion, disappointment, and unnecessary conflict.
Assumptions in Relationships: A Recipe for Conflict
Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or professional, rely heavily on clear and open communication. Unfortunately, assumptions often stand in the way of this necessary clarity. The tendency to assume that others know what we need or what we’re thinking can be extremely damaging. We assume that our partners, friends, or colleagues understand us so well that we don’t need to explain ourselves. This often leads to dissatisfaction, misunderstanding, and even resentment. The problem is not that we want our needs to be met, but that we expect others to meet them without us ever stating what they are.
In romantic relationships, this assumption can be especially dangerous. We may think that our partner knows exactly how we feel about a particular issue, whether it’s related to how we want to be treated, what we like or don’t like, or how we view the future of the relationship. Instead of expressing our feelings directly, we assume that our partner should just “know.” This assumption, however, fails to acknowledge the complexity of human emotions and the fact that each person has their own way of processing and expressing their thoughts and feelings. Just because we feel something doesn’t mean the other person automatically understands it.
This assumption can lead to small misunderstandings snowballing into larger problems. For example, one partner may be upset about something their significant other did (or didn’t do) but never communicates their feelings. Instead, they silently expect their partner to figure it out. When the partner doesn’t pick up on the silent cues, the unspoken frustration grows, eventually leading to an emotional outburst. The first partner then feels unheard and unloved, while the second is confused about what went wrong. The entire situation could have been avoided by simply expressing needs and feelings openly, without assuming the other person would just know.
Furthermore, assumptions can also create unrealistic expectations. If you assume that your partner should always know what you want, you set the relationship up for failure. No one can be expected to read minds or interpret subtle clues constantly. This is a heavy burden to place on any person, and it can cause the partner who is constantly expected to guess the other’s needs to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even alienated.
In family relationships, similar assumptions can occur. For instance, parents may assume that their children know how to behave or what is expected of them without ever explicitly laying out the rules. Children may feel confused or frustrated by these expectations, and conflicts can arise when they don’t live up to the unspoken standards. The same goes for friendships. We may assume that our friends will always have our backs in the exact way we want, without ever discussing what that support looks like. When those assumptions aren’t met, it can lead to feelings of betrayal or disappointment.
The key to preventing assumptions from derailing relationships is clear, direct communication. Rather than expecting others to read our minds, we must find the courage to express our desires, boundaries, and feelings. When we do so, we create an environment where both parties feel heard, respected, and understood. It may require vulnerability, but it will ultimately foster deeper, more genuine connections.
The Need to Justify: Why We Make Assumptions
Human beings have an intrinsic need to make sense of the world around them. We want to understand the reasons behind the actions and behaviors of others, and when those reasons aren’t immediately clear, we fill in the blanks with assumptions. This process is largely subconscious, but it’s deeply rooted in our need to feel safe and in control. The act of justifying and explaining the actions of others, or even our own actions, gives us the illusion that we have a grasp on the world and our place in it.
Assumptions arise from our need to understand and create a narrative that makes sense of our experiences. When something happens that we don’t fully understand—whether it’s a person’s behavior, an event, or a situation—we automatically try to make sense of it, often through the lens of our past experiences, biases, and fears. It’s easier for the human mind to jump to conclusions than to live in uncertainty. Without answers, we feel vulnerable and anxious. So, to comfort ourselves, we create explanations. These explanations can be based on truth, but more often than not, they are shaped by our own perceptions and assumptions.
For example, if a colleague misses a meeting, instead of asking them what happened, we might assume they were being disrespectful or careless. This assumption satisfies our need for closure, even if it’s wrong. By justifying the absence with an assumption, we feel that we understand the situation and can move on. But this leaves us with a distorted view, one that may not reflect the reality of the situation. In this case, the colleague may have been dealing with an emergency or had a legitimate reason for missing the meeting. But our mind, needing to feel secure, fills in the gaps with an explanation that suits our emotional state.
The desire to justify and explain isn’t limited to external events. We also make assumptions about ourselves. For example, when we don’t succeed at something, we might assume it’s because we’re not good enough or that we’ll never achieve our goals. Instead of acknowledging that failure is a part of the learning process, we create a story about our inadequacy. This narrative becomes self-perpetuating, as we begin to justify our failure with negative assumptions about our capabilities.
This need to justify and explain also comes from our social conditioning. We live in a world that values certainty and clear answers. When we can’t provide that, it feels uncomfortable. So we make assumptions and tell ourselves that we understand the situation, even when we don’t. This gives us a sense of control, but in reality, it’s only a false sense of understanding. By justifying our assumptions, we make it harder to see the truth.
The more we justify our assumptions, the more we reinforce them. We create a narrative that feels comfortable and true, even when it’s not. This can have detrimental effects on our relationships and our understanding of the world. The key to breaking this cycle is to embrace uncertainty. Instead of rushing to explain or justify every situation, we need to learn to ask questions, explore different perspectives, and stay open to new information.
The Harmful Cycle of Assumptions
Once we make an assumption, we are often reluctant to let go of it. The human mind is wired to seek confirmation, and once an assumption is made, we start looking for evidence that supports it. This confirmation bias reinforces the assumption, making it harder to see the situation as it truly is. The more we defend our assumptions, the more we solidify them in our minds, even if they are inaccurate.
This cycle of assumptions can spiral into harmful behaviors. For example, imagine you assume your partner is mad at you because they didn’t greet you warmly when you arrived home. Based on that assumption, you withdraw emotionally, and they may notice your coldness and respond with confusion or frustration. As they start to retreat emotionally as well, you confirm your assumption that they’re upset with you, which leads to more emotional withdrawal on your part. The cycle continues, and neither party understands the real cause of the tension. In this case, an innocent moment of misunderstanding is blown out of proportion because of the assumptions both partners made.
The cycle intensifies when we start to defend our assumptions. We might even attempt to rationalize our behavior or reactions by citing our assumptions as evidence. This can lead to aggressive defense of a position that isn’t based on reality. For example, if a friend cancels plans with you and you assume they don’t like you anymore, you might react by becoming distant or cold. When they don’t respond the way you expect, you become more convinced that your assumption was correct. The longer this cycle continues, the more entrenched our assumptions become, and the harder it is to break free from them.
This cycle also affects our self-perception. If we assume we’re not good enough or that we’ll fail, we may begin to act in ways that reinforce that assumption. We might avoid taking risks or shy away from challenges, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. This cycle can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even depression, as we constantly seek validation for our negative assumptions.
Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort and a willingness to question our assumptions. We need to stop the automatic process of assuming and start asking ourselves, “What do I actually know?” When we ask this question, we allow room for new information to come in, and we give ourselves the opportunity to make more accurate judgments. Stopping the cycle of assumptions involves being willing to accept that we don’t have all the answers and that our initial beliefs may not be correct. Once we do this, we open ourselves up to healthier communication and a deeper understanding of the world around us.
Breaking the Cycle: The Power of Asking Questions
One of the most effective tools to break free from the harmful cycle of assumptions is the simple yet powerful act of asking questions. Asking questions is not just about gathering information; it is about creating space for clarity, understanding, and more mindful communication. When we ask questions, we move from a place of assumption and projection to a place of curiosity and inquiry. This shift allows us to approach situations with an open mind, free from the emotional baggage that assumptions carry.
Asking questions requires vulnerability. It is an admission that we don’t know everything, and that we’re open to learning more. This is especially challenging in situations where we feel emotionally invested or protective of our assumptions. For example, if we’re upset with a partner for not fulfilling an unspoken expectation, it may feel difficult to ask, “What happened?” or “Why did you do that?” We might feel like we should already know the answer or that asking is a sign of weakness. However, asking questions in these moments is a sign of strength, as it allows for the opportunity to clear the air and gain a better understanding.
By asking questions, we also avoid the trap of making decisions based on incomplete information. When we assume that someone is ignoring us or deliberately trying to hurt us, we might act out of frustration or anger. However, if we ask, “Is something wrong? Are you okay?” we open the door for a more honest and productive conversation. Often, the answer we receive will be far different from what we assumed, and that can help us resolve any misunderstanding and prevent unnecessary emotional conflict.
In relationships, clear communication through asking questions can strengthen trust and intimacy. Instead of assuming your partner knows your needs or thoughts, ask them to clarify their own feelings, and make sure your own emotions are understood. It’s essential not to assume that silence equals agreement or understanding. If you’re unsure about something, asking a question can prevent resentment from building up over time. A simple question like, “I’m feeling a bit uncertain—can we talk about this?” can pave the way for meaningful, authentic communication.
Asking questions also encourages curiosity about the other person’s perspective. It allows you to better understand their reasoning, motivations, and feelings. It helps us grow as individuals by fostering empathy and emotional intelligence. When we start asking questions with a genuine desire to understand, we remove the cloud of assumptions and bring clarity to the situation. The more we practice asking questions in an open and non-confrontational way, the less we will feel the need to make assumptions and the more we will cultivate peaceful, constructive conversations.
Love Without Assumptions
Love, at its core, is about acceptance. When we love someone—whether it’s a partner, a family member, or a friend—we choose to accept them as they are, flaws and all. But assumptions can distort this fundamental principle of love. When we assume we know how our loved ones feel, what they want, or who they are, we deny them the opportunity to express themselves fully and authentically. We create a version of them in our minds, shaped by our own expectations, and this version often has little to do with who they truly are.
In romantic relationships, the danger of assumptions is especially prominent. For instance, we may assume that our partner shares the same ideals or goals as us—perhaps about marriage, children, or future plans—without ever openly discussing these topics. We assume that they understand us perfectly, and that they should know what makes us happy, sad, or angry. But love that is based on assumptions is love that lacks real understanding. It is built on an imagined version of the person, rather than the reality of who they are.
When we assume that our partner should know what we want or need without telling them, we are placing a heavy, unfair burden on them. Love doesn’t come with an unspoken rulebook. If you want something, ask for it. If you need reassurance or comfort, express that need openly. Love is about clear communication and mutual understanding. Assuming that someone else should be able to anticipate your every desire is not only unrealistic, but it also breeds disappointment. This is especially true when our assumptions go unspoken and unmet. If your partner doesn’t live up to an expectation you never communicated, it can create unnecessary emotional distress. But if you voice your needs clearly, love can grow stronger through the act of giving and receiving.
Furthermore, when we assume that love will change someone, we enter dangerous territory. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that our love will be the catalyst for someone’s personal growth or transformation. However, love cannot—and should not—be used as a tool for change. True love means accepting someone as they are, without the expectation of changing them. If you’re in a relationship with someone, love them for who they are, not for who you think they could become. If you find yourself thinking, “I’ll love them until they change this about themselves,” it’s worth pausing and asking whether you are truly loving them for who they are or for who you want them to be.
The absence of assumptions in love allows for true acceptance. When we love without assumptions, we open ourselves up to seeing the other person for who they are, without the lens of idealization or projection. We let them be their true selves, and in doing so, we create a deeper, more authentic connection. Instead of assuming, we embrace them, flaws and all, and offer our love freely, without conditions. This is the essence of unconditional love—love that does not seek to change, control, or predict, but simply accepts.
The Shift: From Assumptions to Clarity
Moving from a place of assumptions to one of clarity is a transformative shift. It requires intentional effort, self-awareness, and a commitment to honest communication. When we stop making assumptions, we begin to see the world—and the people in it—in a more authentic light. Instead of assuming we know what others are thinking or feeling, we make space for dialogue and understanding. This shift doesn’t just improve our relationships; it leads to personal growth, greater peace, and emotional clarity.
The first step in this shift is awareness. We must recognize when we’re making assumptions—especially those that stem from our fears, insecurities, or past experiences. This requires us to slow down, check in with ourselves, and be present in the moment. The moment we catch ourselves assuming, we can choose to ask a question or to express our thoughts more clearly. The more we practice this, the more we will become accustomed to living in a space of inquiry, rather than judgment. Instead of allowing assumptions to guide our behavior, we can use curiosity and open-mindedness to foster a deeper understanding.
Another key part of this shift is recognizing that clarity is more valuable than certainty. Our minds tend to crave certainty because it gives us a sense of control. But certainty can be an illusion, especially when it is based on assumptions. Clarity, on the other hand, is rooted in truth. It requires us to ask the right questions, gather the necessary information, and remain open to new perspectives. When we seek clarity, we are committed to understanding the situation or the other person fully, rather than jumping to conclusions based on incomplete or inaccurate information.
This shift also involves embracing vulnerability. To gain clarity, we must be willing to expose ourselves to the discomfort of uncertainty. Instead of clinging to assumptions that give us false confidence, we embrace the idea that we don’t have all the answers. This willingness to embrace the unknown fosters trust, both in ourselves and in our relationships. When we ask questions and seek clarity, we invite others into a space of vulnerability as well, where the focus shifts from being “right” to truly understanding each other.
As we practice shifting from assumptions to clarity, we begin to see the world more clearly. The misunderstandings and emotional drama that often result from assumptions will diminish. We will have more meaningful, productive conversations, free from the emotional weight that comes with assumptions. Our relationships will thrive because they will be rooted in truth and mutual understanding, not in projections or misinterpretations.
The Magic of Impeccable Communication
Impeccable communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. It is communication that is clear, direct, and free of emotional poison. When we communicate impeccably, we remove the cloud of assumptions, misunderstandings, and emotional baggage. We speak our truth, and we listen with the intent to understand, not to defend or judge. This type of communication creates an atmosphere of trust, respect, and empathy, and it transforms how we relate to others.
Impeccable communication begins with self-awareness. It involves knowing our own feelings, desires, and boundaries, and expressing them clearly. When we speak honestly and openly, we remove the ambiguity that often leads to assumptions. We avoid speaking in vague terms or expecting others to fill in the gaps. Instead, we say exactly what we mean and ask for exactly what we want. This transparency helps others understand us better and removes any potential for misinterpretation.
At the same time, impeccable communication requires active listening. Listening is not just about hearing words—it’s about understanding the deeper meaning behind those words. It’s about being fully present in the conversation and giving the other person the space to express themselves without judgment or interruption. When we listen attentively, we show the other person that their perspective is valued, which fosters a deeper sense of connection and mutual respect.
When both parties communicate impeccably, the relationship transforms. Misunderstandings are rare, and conflicts are resolved quickly and constructively. Because there is no room for assumptions, there is also no room for emotional poison—gossip, blame, or defensiveness. Instead, conversations are centered around collaboration, understanding, and growth. Impeccable communication fosters a sense of peace and security, as both parties feel heard, respected, and understood.
In a world where assumptions often cloud our interactions, impeccable communication is a radical act. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to be honest. But the rewards are immeasurable. When we communicate impeccably, we create an environment where love, respect, and understanding can flourish. And in this space, all of our relationships can thrive.
Conclusion
In a world where assumptions often shape our perceptions, breaking free from them is a transformative act. By replacing assumptions with clear communication, vulnerability, and curiosity, we not only prevent misunderstandings but also create deeper, more authentic connections with others. The shift from assuming to seeking clarity doesn’t just improve our relationships—it changes the way we experience the world around us. When we stop assuming and start asking, we unlock the power of impeccable communication, leading to healthier, more fulfilling relationships and a life free from unnecessary conflict. Embracing this practice requires courage and consistency, but the rewards—peace, understanding, and genuine connection—are worth every effort.