In a world that thrives on external validation, it’s easy to become trapped in the relentless cycle of seeking approval. Whether it’s through social media likes, compliments from peers, or public applause, many of us find ourselves measuring our self-worth against others’ opinions. Yet, the ancient Stoics offer timeless wisdom that reminds us of the futility of this chase. By embracing their philosophy, we can learn to detach from the need for external validation and focus instead on what truly matters: living virtuously.
The Root of Our Desire for Approval
The urge to seek approval from others is one of the most pervasive elements of the human experience. It has roots that go deep into our evolutionary past, where our survival and well-being often depended on the opinions of the group. In the early days of human existence, social cohesion was not just a comfort but a necessity. Humans lived in tribes, and tribal membership meant access to resources like food, shelter, and protection. Being cast out of the group, whether for personal failure or as a result of conflict, could mean a death sentence. Without the support of the tribe, survival would be difficult at best and impossible at worst.
This is where our deep-seated need for approval finds its origin. Evolutionarily speaking, our ancestors learned that being liked, fitting in, and being accepted by the tribe were not just nice-to-haves—they were essential for staying alive. Those who were ostracized, shunned, or rejected were much more likely to die early. This survival mechanism has been passed down through the generations and has become an instinctual part of our psychology. The need to be liked, to avoid conflict, and to be accepted by those around us is hardwired into our behavior, even though the risks today are not as stark as they were in the past.
However, this ancient instinct, which served a vital purpose thousands of years ago, is no longer aligned with the realities of modern life. In our contemporary world, the fear of rejection, while still powerful, does not carry the same life-threatening consequences. The tribe no longer dictates our survival. We live in societies where individuals can thrive on their own, where resources are accessible outside of any one social group, and where rejection doesn’t necessarily lead to death. Despite this, our brains are still hardwired to seek acceptance, and thus, we continue to go to great lengths to gain approval from others—sometimes to our detriment.
We can see this dynamic in animals as well. Consider the example of dogs, which are pack animals by nature. Dogs form deep emotional bonds with their owners and pack members, and being separated from them often causes them anxiety and distress. When a dog’s owner leaves the house, it cries and moans as a sign of its discomfort with isolation. This behavior mirrors the ancient human instinct to avoid being abandoned by the tribe. For dogs, this anxiety is a survival tactic, just as it was for humans in the past. However, for humans today, this deep fear of abandonment often manifests in less life-or-death scenarios, such as social exclusion, not getting enough “likes” on social media, or being ignored in social settings.
Despite the rational understanding that our lives aren’t in immediate danger when others don’t approve of us, the instinct to seek approval is still strong. This instinct often blinds us to the fact that in modern times, our emotional survival is not threatened by rejection. The truth is, we don’t need to gain approval from others to survive; it’s simply not essential. This realization is liberating, as it helps us begin to question the validity of our dependence on others’ opinions for our self-worth. We can now start to explore a different path—one in which we prioritize living according to our values and standards, rather than continuously seeking the approval of others.
The Futility of Seeking External Validation
In a world obsessed with external approval, it’s easy to get caught up in the pursuit of validation. Whether it’s the pursuit of likes on social media, accolades at work, or admiration from our social circles, the desire for external validation is almost ubiquitous. We live in an era where self-worth is often tied to the opinions of others. The number of followers on Instagram, the volume of likes on a Facebook post, or the praise from our peers and superiors—these all contribute to how we measure our value. But when we examine these forms of validation closely, we begin to realize how shallow and short-lived they truly are.
The process of seeking validation is not only futile but also self-perpetuating. The pleasure we get from external approval is fleeting. The satisfaction of receiving praise, applause, or recognition lasts only for a moment. For example, when a post goes viral on social media, the initial thrill of seeing countless people liking, commenting, and sharing might feel euphoric. But as time passes, that joy quickly fades. The constant chase for the next post, the next compliment, or the next recognition can become an exhausting cycle that never seems to provide the lasting happiness we seek.
It’s akin to a drug. The first hit feels great, but it takes more and more to achieve the same high. The pursuit of external validation, like addiction, creates an insatiable craving that is rarely satisfied. The more we get, the more we need. This is why social media platforms, which are designed to offer instant gratification, become so addictive. Users are constantly looking for the next burst of approval, whether it’s a new like or a flattering comment. But this constant seeking is draining and ultimately unsatisfying, leaving individuals feeling emptier than before. The problem lies in the fact that we are looking for fulfillment in something that, by nature, cannot fill us up.
Beyond the temporary pleasure, external validation also fosters dependency. The more we tie our self-worth to the approval of others, the more we lose touch with our inner compass. We begin to lose sight of what we value, what we care about, and what gives us true satisfaction. The opinions of others take precedence over our own sense of self. We become reliant on external forces to determine our happiness, which is a perilous road. It’s a form of externalizing our well-being—placing it in the hands of factors we cannot control. This disempowers us and robs us of the ability to truly live authentically.
Furthermore, the pursuit of external validation often leads to frustration. We may not always get the recognition or approval we expect or feel we deserve. In some cases, the more we try to gain validation, the more we find that it slips through our fingers. We may encounter rejection, criticism, or indifference from others, which can be demoralizing. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and resentment. When we are fixated on gaining approval, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Not everyone will like us, agree with us, or celebrate us—and this is perfectly normal. However, if our sense of self-worth is entirely dependent on the approval of others, their disapproval can feel like a personal failure.
In addition, external validation does not contribute to long-term happiness or fulfillment. It’s simply a temporary distraction. As the Stoics would argue, happiness does not come from external circumstances but from our internal attitudes and virtues. True fulfillment comes from living in alignment with our values, being true to ourselves, and cultivating inner peace. The fleeting satisfaction we get from external validation does nothing to promote these deeper, more lasting sources of joy. Therefore, chasing after external approval is not only futile but ultimately detracts from our ability to live a meaningful and contented life.
The Control We Have Over Our Response
At the heart of Stoic philosophy lies a profound truth: while we cannot control the actions or opinions of others, we do have complete control over how we respond to them. This simple yet transformative idea offers a deep sense of personal empowerment. In a world where we are constantly exposed to the thoughts, feelings, and judgments of others, learning to control our responses becomes essential for maintaining our mental and emotional well-being. It is easy to become swept up in the tide of other people’s opinions, but Stoicism teaches us that true freedom lies in our ability to remain grounded and undisturbed by external forces.
The first step in this process is recognizing what is within our control and what is not. According to the Stoics, our judgments, thoughts, and actions fall within our control, while external events, such as other people’s opinions or actions, are outside of it. When we internalize this distinction, we realize that the opinions and criticisms of others are not a reflection of our worth but simply the result of their own perceptions. We cannot change how others think or feel about us, but we can choose how to interpret their words and how much power we give them over our emotions.
One powerful Stoic practice is to remind ourselves that other people’s opinions are theirs to own, not ours to bear. When someone criticizes us, we can choose how we respond. Instead of reacting impulsively with anger or resentment, we have the option to pause and reflect. We can ask ourselves, “Does this criticism have merit?” If the answer is yes, we can use the feedback as an opportunity for self-improvement. If it is unfounded or malicious, we can choose to let it go without allowing it to impact our emotional state. By cultivating this ability to pause and choose our response, we begin to master our reactions and regain control over our own happiness.
In addition, the Stoics encourage us to take responsibility for our own mental and emotional states. This means that if we find ourselves upset or disturbed by someone’s opinion, it is not the opinion itself that is causing the distress, but our interpretation of it. We must examine why we are letting someone else’s judgment affect us so deeply. Is it because we fear being rejected? Do we feel threatened in some way? By identifying the root of our emotional reaction, we can address it directly and disarm the power that external opinions have over us. The Stoics argue that our thoughts and emotions are not automatic but are shaped by our beliefs and attitudes. Therefore, by changing the way we perceive external events, we can change the way they make us feel.
This ability to control our responses also extends to the realm of personal relationships. It is common for people to become offended or upset when they feel misunderstood or disrespected by others. But the Stoic approach teaches us that these feelings, while natural, are ultimately within our control. We can choose to respond with patience, understanding, and compassion, or we can allow ourselves to be swept up in anger and frustration. The Stoics believe that our reactions, rather than the actions of others, define our character. By choosing to respond with equanimity, we not only maintain our inner peace but also set an example of maturity and emotional resilience for those around us.
One of the most empowering aspects of this Stoic practice is that it allows us to break free from the need for external validation. When we cease to be swayed by others’ opinions, we become more independent and self-reliant. We are no longer dependent on the approval or disapproval of others to determine our worth. This shift in mindset is liberating. We no longer feel the need to constantly seek validation from others, as we find validation within ourselves. Instead of looking for reassurance from the outside world, we cultivate inner confidence through the consistent practice of aligning our thoughts and actions with our values.
Moreover, controlling our response to external criticism allows us to maintain a sense of peace and stability in the face of life’s inevitable challenges. People will always disagree with us, judge us, or criticize us, but by mastering our reactions, we free ourselves from the emotional turmoil that such interactions often bring. This is the essence of Stoic tranquility: the ability to remain calm and composed, regardless of what happens in the external world.
The Power of Perspective
One of the most transformative aspects of Stoic philosophy is its emphasis on perspective. The Stoics believed that how we perceive the world—how we interpret the events and circumstances of our lives—determines how we experience them. In other words, it is not the events themselves that cause us distress, but the meaning we assign to them. Our perspective shapes our emotional responses, and by changing our perspective, we can change our emotional state.
This idea is central to the Stoic practice of reframing. When faced with a challenging or negative situation, the Stoics encourage us to reframe the event in a way that empowers us. Instead of seeing a setback as a failure, we can choose to view it as an opportunity for growth and learning. Instead of being crushed by criticism or rejection, we can choose to see it as a chance to reflect on our actions and improve ourselves. The Stoic practice of reframing allows us to take control of our emotional responses, rather than letting external circumstances dictate how we feel.
A key aspect of this reframing is recognizing the difference between what is in our control and what is not. Stoicism teaches that we should focus our energy on the things we can change and accept the things we cannot. When we focus on what is within our control, we regain a sense of agency and empowerment. For example, we cannot control the opinions or actions of others, but we can control how we respond to them. By changing our perspective and focusing on our own actions and reactions, we regain the power to shape our experiences and our emotional state.
This shift in perspective also involves letting go of our attachment to external validation. As discussed earlier, external validation is fleeting and unreliable. When we depend on others’ approval for our happiness, we are constantly at the mercy of their judgments. By changing our perspective and focusing on internal validation—on living in alignment with our values and principles—we free ourselves from this dependency. We no longer need to seek approval from others, as we find fulfillment in our own actions and choices.
In addition, the Stoics encourage us to practice gratitude as a way of shifting our perspective. When we focus on what we have rather than what we lack, we cultivate a sense of abundance rather than scarcity. Gratitude allows us to see the positive aspects of our lives, even in the face of adversity. By focusing on what is good and meaningful, we train our minds to adopt a more optimistic and resilient perspective. This shift in perspective not only enhances our emotional well-being but also helps us navigate challenges with greater ease and grace.
The power of perspective also extends to how we view our relationships with others. The Stoics teach that we should not allow the opinions or actions of others to determine our happiness. By changing our perspective, we can see that others’ judgments are not a reflection of our worth but a reflection of their own thoughts and emotions. This realization frees us from the need to seek approval and allows us to engage with others from a place of compassion and understanding, rather than fear or defensiveness.
Ultimately, the Stoic approach to perspective is about taking control of our internal world. By shifting our mindset and focusing on what we can control, we regain the power to shape our experiences. Rather than being swept away by external circumstances, we can choose how to respond and how to perceive the world around us. This shift in perspective is the key to emotional freedom and inner peace. By embracing the Stoic practice of reframing and cultivating a resilient mindset, we can navigate life’s challenges with calmness, clarity, and confidence.
Conclusion: Embracing Stoicism and Liberating Yourself
In the grand tapestry of life, what other people think should be regarded as an external affair, not a matter of personal significance. Our mental well-being should not hinge on the fleeting judgments of others. As the Stoics aptly put it, what others think is none of our business. The key to true happiness lies in controlling our reactions and responses to the external world.
In a world where individualism reigns supreme, embracing Stoicism can be your path to liberation from the tyranny of others’ opinions. By following this ancient philosophy’s timeless wisdom, you can lead a life anchored in your values, unburdened by the need for external validation, and enriched by the practice of compassion and indifference toward the ever-fickle opinions of others.