It’s common to vocalize brief sounds like “uh huh” or “umm” to signal to the speaker that we’re listening. These sounds may be minimal, but they’re often perceived as reassurance, as if to say, “I hear you.” For many, they have become second nature, a reflex triggered by listening. My friend Phil is a prime example—he’s a habitual “ummer.” Whether I’m discussing something mundane or profound, Phil’s response is often an agreeable “umm,” a sound that he delivers without even thinking. It’s almost as if the noise has become part of the rhythm of our conversations, a filler to acknowledge my words without offering much else.
But every so often, I’ll challenge him. If I’m feeling particularly mischievous, I’ll throw out something outlandish—like, “Yeah, I’m planning to get tattooed from head to toe this afternoon”—and wait for Phil’s response. His automatic “uh huh” will come, followed by a blank stare. I’ll ask him, “Phil, what did I just say?” He stumbles, unable to recall the substance of the conversation. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he’s become so accustomed to the autopilot of “umming” that he’s lost the deeper connection that true listening requires.
It’s a trap many of us fall into, especially men. It’s almost as if the automatic “umm” serves as a shield against deeper engagement. But here’s the thing: while “umming” is an easy go-to, it’s not the best approach for meaningful communication. True empathizing requires more than just a reflexive noise. To be heard, we need to elevate our responses.
What Are Empathizers?
Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.” Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.
Technique #47 – Employ Empathizers
Empathizers are a powerful tool for enhancing communication. They are short, thoughtful, and complete responses that demonstrate to the speaker that you are truly listening and understanding what they are saying. Unlike the habitual “uh huh” or “yeah,” which may give the illusion of engagement but often come across as unthinking or passive, empathizers actively engage emotionally with the speaker’s words. These phrases are more than just sounds or filler—they are full sentences that acknowledge the conversation’s content and underlying emotions.
Empathizers are essentially concise statements that validate the speaker’s feelings or actions. For example, when someone says they’ve just made an important decision, saying something like “I can appreciate that you decided to do that” acknowledges the significance of their choice and shows respect for their decision-making process. This statement does more than affirm the words spoken—it demonstrates that you are considering their decision’s emotional and intellectual weight.
In contrast, a simple “uh huh” might signal that you’re hearing the words but not necessarily processing them. While it serves as a placeholder in conversations, it can disengage if used excessively. Empathizers, on the other hand, are an opportunity to enrich the dialogue. They can be used to express admiration, sympathy, or understanding and are often framed as full sentences that make the speaker feel heard. For instance, saying, “That’s exciting!” when someone shares good news is an empathizer acknowledging their happiness and enthusiasm. The difference is subtle, but the emotional impact is significant.
Beyond positive affirmations, empathizers can offer more nuanced critiques or reflections on the speaker’s character or actions. A phrase like “That was the honorable thing to do” reflects not just the speaker’s actions but also their values and intentions. This type of response shows that you’ve absorbed the factual content and understood the deeper motivations behind it, which can lead to a more fulfilling and insightful conversation.
By consciously replacing filler words with these more articulate empathizers, you signal that you are fully engaged and value what the speaker is saying. This approach fosters more meaningful connections, showing that you are not merely waiting for your turn to speak but actively participating in the conversation.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize
Effective empathy involves conveying understanding and a shared emotional experience. It involves listening to words and attuning yourself to the emotional undercurrent that often accompanies them. When you express empathy, you actively acknowledge the intellectual and emotional components of the conversation. This goes beyond passive listening—it requires active engagement and thoughtfulness.
To make someone feel truly empathetic, you must replace brief, impersonal responses with full sentences that convey understanding and validation. For example, instead of a simple “uh huh,” when someone shares a personal story or an emotional experience, say something like “I see what you mean” or “That must have been difficult for you.” These statements let the speaker know that you are hearing their words and processing their emotions and experiences meaningfully. The key technique for empathizing effectively is to acknowledge the feelings and perspectives of the speaker with statements that affirm both their words and their emotional state. Phrases like “That sounds frustrating” or “I can imagine how that must have felt” show a deep understanding of the emotional impact of the speaker’s situation. These responses offer more than just a cursory nod of agreement—they invite the speaker to continue and deepen their emotional expression.
In addition to emotional validation, empathizers play an important role in establishing trust. When you respond thoughtfully to someone’s words, it signals to them that they are being heard respectfully and non-judgmentally. This helps to create a safe space for open communication, encouraging the speaker to share more freely and authentically. For example, when someone expresses a concern or fear, responding with “That’s a valid point, and I can see why you’re worried” creates a sense of mutual respect. It shows that you are not dismissing their feelings but are actively considering them in your response.
Empathy can also foster connection by demonstrating a genuine interest in the speaker’s experience. Phrases like “That’s admirable” or “What a thoughtful way to approach that” acknowledge the speaker’s actions and recognize the effort and thoughtfulness they put into them. This reinforces a sense of appreciation and respect, making the conversation feel more meaningful and fulfilling for both parties involved.
Advanced Empathizing Techniques
Once you’ve mastered using empathizers in everyday conversations, you can incorporate more advanced techniques to enhance your empathy. The goal is to fine-tune your responses beyond basic affirmations and show a deep, nuanced understanding of the speaker’s words and emotions.
One advanced technique involves emotional mirroring. This involves reflecting the emotional tone of the speaker’s words in your responses. If the speaker shares something joyful or exciting, responding with “How exciting! That must feel incredible!” mirrors their enthusiasm and conveys that you are emotionally attuned to their experience. Conversely, if the speaker is upset or frustrated, you can match their emotional tone with responses like “That sounds challenging” or “I can understand why that would be upsetting.” This mirroring technique helps the speaker feel validated in their emotions, as it shows that you are not just hearing the words but also connecting with the feelings behind them.
Another advanced technique is contextual awareness. This involves understanding the broader context the speaker is sharing, such as their background, past experiences, or the specific situation they are facing. Responding with empathizers who acknowledge these contextual factors shows that you are engaged with the conversation at the moment and consider the speaker’s larger perspective. For example, if someone shares a tough experience at work, acknowledging the stress of their professional environment with a response like, “That must be hard, especially with everything you’ve been dealing with at work,” adds depth to the empathizer. It shows that you are not just reacting to the immediate situation but are also attuned to the bigger picture.
Active listening is also a vital component of advanced empathizing. It’s about being fully present in the moment, tuning into verbal and non-verbal cues, and processing what is being said at multiple levels. Sometimes, the most powerful empathizers come in the form of reflective statements. For example, after someone shares a difficult story, saying, “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot,” validates their experience and shows that you’ve understood the emotional toll it’s taken on them. This type of reflective response encourages deeper engagement and fosters a sense of trust between both parties.
Finally, advanced empathizing includes knowing when to pause. Sometimes, the most empathetic response does not immediately follow the speaker’s words but comes after a moment of thoughtful silence. Allowing the speaker to express their feelings fully before offering a response shows that you’re truly listening, and your delayed response demonstrates that you’re reflecting on their words before speaking. This pause can make your empathizing response feel more authentic and deliberate rather than automatic.
The Power of Empathy in Conversations
The ability to empathize effectively is one of the most powerful tools you can use in communication. It transforms a simple exchange of words into a meaningful connection that strengthens relationships and encourages open, honest dialogue. When we rely on brief, non-committal responses like “uh huh,” we merely participate in a transactional conversation. These brief affirmations are often interpreted as passive engagement, which can inadvertently create a barrier between the speaker and the listener. On the other hand, empathizing with someone shows that you are emotionally and intellectually present in the conversation.
Empathy invites vulnerability in conversations. When people feel understood, they are more likely to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or dismissal. A genuine empathic response can build trust, demonstrating that you are invested in the speaker’s well-being and perspective. This is particularly important in personal relationships, where communication is the foundation of connection. Empathizers invite a deeper level of sharing, creating a space for both parties to freely explore emotions, ideas, and experiences.
Empathy can be just as powerful in the professional realm. It is a key trait in successful leadership and teamwork. Leaders who show empathy create environments where their team members feel supported and valued, which increases morale, engagement, and productivity. When team members feel their perspectives are heard and understood, they are more likely to contribute their best ideas and work collaboratively toward a common goal.
Empathy also plays a crucial role in conflict resolution. When disagreements arise, empathizing with the other person’s point of view can de-escalate tensions and create a path toward understanding. It opens the door for constructive dialogue, where both parties feel heard and are more likely to find common ground. This makes empathy an invaluable tool for resolving conflicts and building stronger personal and professional relationships.
In summary, empathy is not just a response—it’s a powerful force that can shape the dynamics of any conversation. By incorporating empathizers into your dialogue, you enhance the quality of your communication and foster a deeper connection with others. Empathy can transform interactions in personal relationships or professional settings, making them more meaningful, authentic, and impactful.
Conclusion
Empathizing effectively requires more than just hearing words—it demands an active, engaged response that acknowledges the message’s content and emotions. By replacing “umm” with complete, empathetic sentences, you signal to the speaker that you are present, care, and truly understand. This small change can make a difference in your ability to connect with others and foster more meaningful conversations. So, next time someone shares something with you, resist the urge to rely on a simple “uh huh” and let your words reflect your empathy. You’ll be amazed at how much it enriches your communication.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.