Effective communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about listening. In many interactions, we rush to get our point across, thinking our message is the most important thing. But what if the key to better conversations, stronger relationships, and more productive outcomes lies in allowing the other person to speak first? Whether in personal, professional, or customer-facing settings, truly listening and giving others the space to express themselves is a powerful tool. This article explores the critical importance of listening first, how it impacts the quality of communication and practical ways in which you can apply this principle in your daily interactions.
The Power of Listening: Why We Need to Let People Speak First
In our daily interactions, we take for granted that people want to hear our side of things first. We often overlook letting others express themselves fully before launching into our responses or solutions. This habit, though seemingly efficient, can lead to a breakdown in communication, especially in emotionally charged situations. A personal experience from several years ago brought this truth to light dramatically. I yelled for him to stop after witnessing a man attempting to break into a car. Instead of fleeing, he aggressively shoved me to the ground, causing me to crack my skull on the curb. Staggering into the emergency room in a daze, I was greeted by the triage nurse’s unsettling response. Instead of offering immediate care, she asked me about my details—address, phone number, insurance information—before asking how I was feeling or what had happened.
It was as if the administrative requirements overshadowed my actual injury. My priority was to explain the incident that led me there, but instead of addressing that, I was immediately caught up in a flurry of formalities. This left me feeling alienated, as though my pain was secondary to the logistics of hospital paperwork. This encounter highlights a widespread flaw in human interactions: the failure to prioritize emotional expression over bureaucratic or logistical concerns. It’s a tendency that occurs everywhere—whether in hospitals, workplaces, or even during casual conversations—where facts are sought first before the human side of the interaction is acknowledged. This oversight prevents real communication and understanding from taking place. Had the nurse listened to me first, it would have made me feel heard and likely made the subsequent questions more meaningful and easier to answer.
The Art of Listening: Making Room for Others to Speak
Sue, a nurse in another emergency room, had a different approach to handling patients. When I shared my frustration with her about the triage nurse’s unyielding questions, she explained her strategy for managing patients in similar distress. Instead of starting with the paperwork or personal details, Sue always listened to the patient’s story first. By asking what happened, she gave patients the chance to vent their emotions and describe the circumstances of their injury. Only once the patient had expressed herself would she proceed to more mechanical details like insurance information.
Sue’s method was far more than just an empathetic gesture. It was a strategic communication tactic. By allowing patients to speak freely first, Sue not only made them feel heard but also allowed their minds to focus on the present situation instead of getting caught up in the pressure of answering questions. This emotional space allowed patients to be acknowledged and cared for, making them cooperative when gathering the necessary information. Sue’s ability to listen first improved the emotional and informational aspects of her patient interactions. By addressing their emotional needs, she created an environment where they were more likely to trust her and provide the necessary facts more clearly and accurately.
This method doesn’t just apply to medical environments—it’s useful when extracting information or solving a problem. When upset or preoccupied, people are less likely to absorb or respond well to new information. Letting them vent and fully express themselves removes the emotional clutter that could cloud communication. Once their emotional state is settled, they will be far more receptive to your message, and the conversation will flow more smoothly.
Leading Through Listening: Understanding the Importance of Emotional Expression
Effective leadership is not just about making decisions or providing direction; it’s about understanding the emotional dynamics of your team. Good leaders know that to get the best results from their employees, they must first allow them the space to express themselves fully. Robert, a colleague of mine who owns a small manufacturing business, exemplifies this principle. When one of his employees approaches him with a problem, Robert never rushes to a solution or demands immediate facts. Instead, he allows the employee to fully vent about the issue—whether it’s a difficult customer, a frustrating co-worker, or a problem with machinery—without immediately interrupting or offering solutions.
By letting his employees speak freely, Robert acknowledges their frustrations and gives them a chance to relieve the emotional weight of the problem. This emotional release process is crucial, as it helps employees feel validated and understood. Only after they fully express their concerns does Robert shift the conversation to problem-solving. At this point, the employees are usually calmer and more focused, making them more receptive to practical solutions. By listening and empathizing first, Robert establishes a trusting relationship with his employees, leading to more effective communication and better outcomes.
This approach fosters a culture of openness and emotional intelligence in the workplace. When employees feel heard, they are more likely to engage with their work, contribute creatively, and solve problems more effectively. In contrast, when leaders dismiss emotions or rush to facts without allowing employees to express their concerns fully, it can lead to frustration, disengagement, and a communication breakdown. Emotional expression is a crucial part of the problem-solving process, and leaders who understand this can build more resilient, motivated teams.
“Empty Their Tanks”: The Key to Effective Communication
If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It’s the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.
Technique #86 – Empty Their Tanks
The idea of “emptying the tank” before communicating effectively is based on the principle that people’s minds are often occupied with their thoughts, concerns, and emotional baggage. If you try introducing new information into a mind filled with noise, your message will be lost, diluted, or misunderstood. This concept is similar to filling a glass of water that’s already full—it simply overflows. To communicate effectively, you must first ensure that the person you’re speaking to has enough mental space to absorb what you’re saying.
This is especially important in emotionally charged conversations. If someone is angry, upset, or distracted, they won’t be able to hear your message. You must first allow them to express their feelings and thoughts completely so they can release the emotional tension that might cloud their ability to listen. Once their minds are “empty,” they can process your message with greater clarity and understanding.
This technique requires patience, as resisting the urge to jump in and offer solutions or counterpoints can be difficult. However, holding back and letting the other person speak freely gives them the space they need to process their emotions and thoughts. This is particularly important in conflict resolution or high-stakes conversations. When you allow someone to empty their emotional tank first, they are likelier to listen to your perspective and engage in a more constructive dialogue.
How Companies Can Use Listening to Improve Customer Experience
Listening first isn’t just limited to personal or professional relationships—it can also play a critical role in the customer experience. Companies that recognize the value of listening before acting can significantly improve customer relationships and increase satisfaction. Take, for example, my experience with L.L. Bean, a mail-order company that excels in customer service. When I contacted them about a product I was interested in, they allowed me to ask all the questions I wanted about the product—its quality, appearance, size options, and other details—before ever asking for payment information. This approach made the entire process feel more personal and engaging. I expressed my excitement about the product and addressed any concerns I had before being asked to provide payment details.
This simple but effective approach created a positive emotional connection, which made me more inclined to follow through with the purchase. It shifted the interaction from a transactional exchange to a more relational experience. In contrast, many other companies focus on gathering payment details before allowing customers to ask about the product. This approach can feel impersonal and often leads to frustration. Customers are bombarded with questions about billing and shipping before they’ve even had a chance to explore the product they’re interested in, which can sour the overall experience.
Companies can build trust and rapport by allowing customers to express their thoughts, ask questions, and engage with the product before focusing on payment. This creates a more enjoyable and less stressful experience for the customer, leading to higher satisfaction, better customer retention, and increased sales. The key is to recognize that, like patients or employees, customers are human beings with emotions. Addressing their emotional needs first can improve engagement and lead to a more successful outcome.
The Importance of Patience in Communication
In a world where instant responses are expected and time is often of the essence, patience is an increasingly rare but crucial skill. It’s tempting to rush through conversations or solutions, especially when the stakes or emotions are high. However, real communication requires the ability to pause and allow the other person the time they need to express themselves fully. This is especially true in emotionally intense situations, where rushing to a conclusion or solution can undermine the quality of the conversation.
When someone is upset or distressed, it’s natural to want to offer comfort or solutions right away. But interrupting or cutting them off risks missing the deeper context of their words. Patience lets you absorb the full scope of their thoughts and emotions, making your response more informed and effective. Sometimes, simply giving someone the time to finish what they’re saying can make all the difference.
Patience also allows you to remain calm and composed, which in turn helps the other person feel more at ease. When people are in distress, they often need time to gather their thoughts and articulate their feelings. By patiently waiting for them to finish, you demonstrate respect for their experience and provide the space they need to express themselves clearly. This creates a more productive and empathetic dialogue where both parties feel heard and valued. When applied in both personal and professional contexts, this principle can significantly enhance communication quality and strengthen relationships.
Conclusion
Listening isn’t just a passive act; it’s essential to building trust, fostering understanding, and creating deeper connections with others. Whether you’re a leader, a colleague, or a customer service representative, allowing people to express themselves fully before jumping into the conversation creates a space for clarity and empathy. Making listening a priority opens the door to more meaningful, effective communication. Next time you find yourself in a conversation, remember: sometimes, the best thing you can do is give someone the chance to empty their tank first so they can truly hear what you say.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.