In the dynamic interplay of life’s competitions, most individuals operate under a binary mindset: we win or lose. Our desire to triumph can often overshadow the potential for failure, leading to emotional highs and lows depending on the outcome. However, the concept of winning and losing is far more nuanced, as seen through the lens of Stoic philosophy. Epictetus, one of the most influential Stoic thinkers, challenges this conventional view, proposing that true victory is not dependent on external outcomes but on our internal responses and attitudes.
The Illusion of External Control
Epictetus firmly believed that placing our happiness and well-being in external factors was a fundamental misstep in life. By relying on things beyond our control—whether it’s the behavior of others, the success of a project, or even the weather—we inherently put ourselves in a vulnerable position. According to Stoicism, this dependency on external conditions for our peace of mind is a flawed and precarious way to live. The Stoics argue that tethering our emotions and sense of self-worth to things outside our control invites constant turmoil.
Take, for example, a job promotion. Many people believe that achieving success in their careers will bring lasting happiness. While professional growth can certainly contribute to one’s sense of purpose, it’s important to acknowledge that success is never guaranteed. The company may suddenly shift priorities, or a more qualified candidate might appear. In this case, the individual’s happiness and sense of self-worth are inextricably linked to factors they cannot influence. This reliance on an uncertain outcome is a precarious foundation for personal well-being.
The same principle can be applied to the arena of competition. The outcome is often not entirely within our control, whether in sports, business, or personal relationships. We can prepare ourselves to the best of our abilities, put in the effort, and control how we perform—but we cannot control how others perform, nor can we guarantee that the circumstances will align perfectly in our favor. For instance, in a competitive race, no matter how rigorous the training or how strategically the race is approached, unexpected variables like weather, equipment failure, or even human error can derail the best-laid plans. Stoicism teaches that our emotional state should not depend on these external conditions. We can control our actions, but not the outcomes.
This idea extends beyond mere competition or achievement. Our daily lives are filled with events and circumstances outside our control—traffic delays, public opinions, and natural disasters. By constantly depending on these factors for our happiness, we risk living in a perpetual state of unease. Stoicism encourages us to acknowledge what we can control—our thoughts, actions, and reactions—and to let go of attachment to things beyond our grasp. By doing so, we free ourselves from the emotional rollercoaster that often comes from relying on external outcomes.
Epictetus urges us to cultivate an internal stability, where our happiness, peace, and sense of fulfillment are rooted in our character and choices rather than in the volatile nature of external events. This approach shields us from disappointment and empowers us to act in a manner aligned with our true values. The Stoic path to tranquility lies in understanding that external events will always be uncertain and beyond our reach, but our responses and attitudes remain within our power.
Desire vs. Control: The Key to True Freedom
The Stoic philosophy is built on the distinction between what is in our control and what is not. One of Epictetus’s most profound teachings is that our desires and aversions often lead us to places of anxiety and suffering. When we desire something that is not within our power, we place ourselves in a position where our happiness becomes contingent on factors outside our control. The result? A life of unease because no matter how hard we try, we can never fully guarantee the outcomes we desire.
Epictetus emphasizes that we only have control over our actions, thoughts, and judgments. Desiring things like the approval of others, material wealth, or success in competitions is natural, but these desires often lead us to frustration because they depend on external factors. The musician’s story provides a vivid example of this. When he performed in private, he was confident and free, but when he faced an audience, anxiety gripped him. This fear did not stem from a lack of skill but from his desire for something outside his control: the approval and praise of the audience.
The key issue here is that the musician’s desire was misdirected. Epictetus would argue that the musician failed to realize that the audience’s response—whether applause or indifference—was not in his power. In desiring external validation, the musician set himself up for two forms of suffering—first, the anxiety before the performance was fueled by the uncertainty of whether he would receive approval. Second, the disappointment if the applause failed to come would reinforce his sense of inadequacy.
Epictetus teaches that true peace comes when we focus only on what is within our control: our effort, our integrity, and our virtue. By shifting our desires away from external outcomes and focusing solely on our internal process, we can free ourselves from the pain of unmet expectations. The Stoic does not care about winning or losing in the traditional sense because these outcomes are fleeting and uncontrollable. What matters is whether we’ve acted per our principles, given our best, and maintained our integrity in the face of whatever happens.
This principle also applies to our relationships. When we seek approval or admiration from others, we often place our emotional well-being in their hands. But this external validation is unreliable. People’s moods, preferences, and biases are beyond our control, so depending on them for our happiness is a recipe for dissatisfaction. We gain freedom by focusing on what we can control—our thoughts, our ability to be kind, and our capacity to understand others. We no longer need to worry about whether others like or approve of us. Our contentment comes from knowing that we live true to our values, regardless of how others respond.
In Stoic terms, our desires should be aligned with our internal capabilities. We should desire the development of our character, the improvement of our skills, and the cultivation of virtue, as these are within our control. When we shift our desires to these things, we free ourselves from the anxiety and disappointment of pursuing external outcomes. This mindset is the key to true freedom—freedom from the turbulence of external circumstances and freedom to live authentically and purposefully.
The Foolishness of Seeking External Validation
One of the most insidious desires that often plagues individuals is the constant quest for external validation. This desire is woven into much of our social interactions, from seeking praise at work to yearning for recognition on social media. Yet, Epictetus warns against this reliance on others’ opinions, emphasizing that the pursuit of approval is futile and a source of deep frustration. When we base our self-worth on what others think of us, we risk placing our emotional state in the hands of those whose judgments are not always accurate or consistent.
The story of Zeno, the founder of Stoicism, and King Antigonus illustrates this perfectly. Confident in his principles and self-awareness, Zeno was indifferent to what the king thought of him. The king, however, was troubled by his need to impress Zeno. As Epictetus points out, Antigonus feared that he might not make a good impression, which was outside his control. The king’s anxiety stemmed from desiring something that depended entirely on Zeno’s perception—a perception that was unpredictable and uncontrollable.
Epictetus critiques the notion of seeking external approval, suggesting that it often leads to emotional instability. The desire to impress others creates an internal conflict where we constantly measure ourselves against external standards—standards that may be arbitrary, shifting, or even misguided. If Zeno had cared about the king’s opinion, he, too, would have found himself ensnared in the fickleness of external judgments. By not seeking approval from others, Zeno was free to be himself, impervious to the unpredictable nature of external opinions.
In our own lives, this Stoic teaching invites us to reflect on how much energy we expend trying to conform to the expectations of others. Whether it’s altering our behavior to fit in with a group, dressing a certain way to attract attention, or trying to gain a boss’s or colleague’s approval, these actions often rob us of our authenticity. When we prioritize the approval of others, we lose touch with what truly matters—our values, integrity, and sense of self-worth. Epictetus urges us to disengage from this fruitless pursuit. We reclaim our emotional freedom by focusing on developing our internal virtues and aligning our actions with our principles. We no longer need to measure our worth by others’ standards, but instead by our unwavering commitment to living virtuously.
The key to emotional resilience and true self-esteem is rejecting the need for external validation. This doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to relationships or social connection—Stoicism does not advocate for detachment or isolation. Rather, it means finding contentment in living authentically, independent of others’ fleeting opinions. When we stop seeking external validation, we become more stable, less prone to the fluctuations of others’ moods, and far more resilient in life’s challenges.
Redefining Competition: Internal vs. External Struggle
Epictetus redefines the concept of competition, shifting it from an external, comparative struggle to an internal contest that involves personal growth and mastery. In the conventional view, competition is about defeating others—outperforming our peers, winning in business, excelling in sports, or gaining superiority in social settings. This mindset often creates anxiety, as we constantly measure ourselves against others. Our emotional well-being becomes tethered to external factors: we win, we feel good; we lose, we feel bad. This external struggle is volatile, unpredictable, and beyond our full control.
The Stoic approach, however, encourages us to reconsider what competition truly means. Epictetus invites us to engage in what might be called an “internal competition.” Rather than trying to surpass others, we are urged to focus on surpassing ourselves. This internal contest is not about proving our worth compared to others but about striving to be the best version of ourselves. This mindset transforms competition from a source of anxiety and fear of failure into a powerful tool for self-improvement.
In the context of sports, this shift in perspective is particularly profound. An athlete who focuses solely on winning the race might be crippled by the possibility of losing, which stems from a dependence on external factors—like the performance of their opponents or unpredictable circumstances. However, if the athlete shifts their focus to mastering their technique, improving their performance, and growing their skills, they free themselves from the anxiety of the outcome. Winning or losing becomes secondary to the process of self-improvement.
This idea is not limited to athletics—it can be applied to virtually any aspect of life. Take the example of a professional or entrepreneur—traditional competition measures success by outperforming colleagues, securing a promotion, or being recognized in a field. However, if individuals focus on internal development—refining their skills, cultivating emotional intelligence, deepening their expertise—they transcend the external struggle. They no longer need to compare themselves to others because they focus on personal progress. This shift in mindset leads to less stress and more satisfaction, as success is redefined not by defeating others but by mastering oneself.
Epictetus teaches that the only true competitor is the version of ourselves we were yesterday. If we continuously improve and strive to align our actions with our values, we always “win,” regardless of the external outcome. This internal focus is liberating, as it frees us from the arbitrary nature of external competition. The key is to measure progress not by how we stack up against others but by how much we grow in our journey. When we let go of the need to win at all costs, we open ourselves to a deeper sense of fulfillment that comes from within.
The Stoic approach to competition transforms how we engage with the world. Instead of entering every contest with the sole goal of victory, we can approach each challenge as an opportunity for growth. By focusing on our improvement, we release ourselves from the fear of failure and comparison anxiety. Success becomes less about the external outcome and more about the internal satisfaction of knowing we’ve done our best, learned from the experience, and grown as individuals. In this way, competition ceases to be a source of stress and becomes a vehicle for personal development.
The Power of Embracing Failure
One of the central tenets of Stoicism is the idea that failure is not something to be feared or avoided at all costs. Epictetus teaches that failure can be an invaluable tool for personal growth. Many of us view failure as the ultimate defeat, a negative outcome that diminishes our sense of self-worth and leaves us feeling broken. However, in Stoic philosophy, failure is viewed through a completely different lens—it is a natural and necessary part of the human experience, a step toward improvement.
Epictetus encourages us to embrace failure as an essential learning and personal development element. The fear of failure often holds us back from taking risks, trying new things, or fully committing to our goals. We become so consumed with avoiding failure that we end up paralyzed by the possibility of not succeeding. But Stoicism teaches that by reframing failure, we can become more resilient, adaptable, and capable of handling life’s challenges.
Take the example of a musician afraid to perform in front of an audience. His fear is not driven by a lack of skill but by the anxiety of potentially failing to impress others. He has linked his self-worth to the audience’s approval, and this external validation becomes a pressure source. He views it as a personal failure if he doesn’t receive the applause he hopes for. Stoicism, however, would suggest that the musician focus on what he can control—his performance, effort, and intention. Whether the audience reacts positively or not is beyond his control, so it should not affect his sense of success.
This same principle can be applied to many areas of life. Whether in business, relationships, or personal endeavors, the fear of failure often causes us to avoid situations where we might not succeed. However, Epictetus argues that by embracing the possibility of failure, we take away its power over us. Failure is not an end but an opportunity to reflect, learn, and adjust. When we view failure as a part of the process, it loses its ability to harm us. Instead, it becomes a stepping stone toward greater self-awareness and improvement.
This approach also ties into the concept of the growth mindset, which emphasizes the value of persistence and learning through setbacks. In this context, failure is reframed as feedback. When we fail, we can analyze what went wrong, make adjustments, and try again. The focus shifts away from avoiding failure at all costs to seeking growth opportunities, even in the face of setbacks. This mindset makes us more adaptable and open to new experiences, as we no longer fear failure but instead see it as a necessary part of the journey.
The Stoic embrace of failure is liberating. It allows us to act without the crippling fear of falling short. By accepting that failure is inevitable, we free ourselves from its emotional weight and can focus entirely on the process of self-improvement. In this way, failure becomes a form of success—a success in learning, growing, and evolving as individuals.
Transforming Our Relationship with Winning and Losing
Epictetus offers a profound redefinition of what it means to win and lose. In conventional thinking, winning is associated with success, status, and happiness, while losing is seen as a failure, something to be avoided at all costs. However, Stoicism challenges this binary view of success and failure by teaching us to detach our emotional state from the outcomes of external events.
For the Stoic, the true measure of success is not found in winning or losing, but in how we approach each experience. The outcome—whether positive or negative—does not define us. What matters is the internal state we cultivate in response to these outcomes. If we can remain calm, centered, and true to our principles regardless of whether we win or lose, we achieve a higher level of peace and fulfillment.
Epictetus teaches that the external world is beyond our control. We may strive to succeed, but we cannot guarantee the outcome. In sports, for example, no matter how hard we train or how well we perform, there will always be factors outside our control—our opponent’s performance, the weather, the referee’s decisions—that can affect the outcome. Focusing solely on the desire to win, we set ourselves up for disappointment because we become emotionally invested in something not entirely within our power.
Instead, Epictetus suggests that we redefine what it means to “win.” According to Stoicism, true victory lies in how we handle the process. If we focus on doing our best, adhering to our values, and learning from each experience, we “win” in the most meaningful sense, regardless of the final result. Whether we win or lose in the eyes of others, we remain victorious within ourselves because we know that we have acted with integrity and diligence.
In this framework, the pressure to “win” dissipates. If we detach our happiness from the desire for victory, we can participate fully in life without needing to prove ourselves. This approach not only reduces anxiety but also fosters a sense of contentment that is independent of external validation. By removing the attachment to winning or losing, we are free to engage in each endeavor with a focus on improvement, learning, and personal growth, rather than on achieving a specific, externally defined outcome.
The Stoic mindset also helps us handle loss with grace. Rather than seeing losing as a defeat or an attack on our self-worth, we can view it as a natural part of the process—an opportunity to learn, reflect, and grow. When we redefine loss this way, it no longer holds the same emotional weight. Instead of feeling defeated by failure, we become motivated to try again, armed with the wisdom gained from our past experiences.
This transformation in our relationship with winning and losing allows us to lead a more peaceful and fulfilling life. We no longer live in constant fear of failure or are obsessed with the need to be victorious. Instead, we find contentment in the effort we put forth, the integrity with which we approach challenges, and the growth we experience along the way. By embracing victory and defeat as part of the same journey, we achieve true success—an inner sense of fulfillment independent of external circumstances.
Conclusion: The Unbeatable Victory
Epictetus’ art of winning in all circumstances challenges our conventional understanding of success. By focusing on what we can control—our actions, attitudes, and thoughts—we remove the pressure of external validation and create a mindset that welcomes victory and defeat. In the Stoic worldview, winning is not defined by the applause of others, but by our internal sense of fulfillment and integrity. By adopting this mindset, we can navigate life with peace, resilience, and the unwavering confidence that no circumstance can defeat us.