Compliments are a delicate social currency. Giving one directly to someone’s face can often backfire. Why? Because the skeptical recipient might think you’re just buttering them up for your ulterior motives. It’s a sad truth about compliments – offer a lavish one to your boss, a prospective client, or your significant other out of the blue, and they might raise an eyebrow, suspecting that you’re indulging in shameless, obsequious pandering to further your interests. Your partner might even wonder if you’re trying to make amends for some misdeed.
So, what’s the solution? Should you suppress your genuine admiration and keep it to yourself? Not at all. There’s a clever way to convey your sincere esteem without triggering skepticism.
The Risk of Giving a Compliment Face-to-Face
Complimenting someone face-to-face seems like the natural and honest way to express admiration, but risks can undermine the sincerity of your words. The core problem is the possibility of misinterpretation. When you compliment someone directly, especially in a professional or hierarchical context, the recipient is often more likely to question your motives. For instance, a compliment like, “Your presentation was excellent, well done!” might be viewed as an attempt to gain favor or manipulate the recipient. Your boss may interpret it as an attempt to influence their decision-making process, perhaps to secure a promotion or bee way. In such situations, even though the compliment is genuine, it can be seen as self-serving, especially if it comes across as unsolicited or out of the blue.
Similarly, direct compliments may raise suspicion in personal relationships, particularly when they seem too over-the-top or sudden. If you compliment a partner with something like, “You’re the most amazing person I know,” without occasion, it can be read as a sign that you’re trying to cover up wrongdoing or guilt. It might suggest to your partner that you’re compensating for something you did wrong, which detracts from the authenticity of the compliment. Compliments in these settings can often be perceived as a way to ease tension or gain favor, making the recipient feel uncomfortable or skeptical about your intentions. Unfortunately, this is a common issue when compliments are delivered directly—people tend to second-guess whether the praise is genuine or strategically calculated to serve the speaker’s needs.
Even with the best intentions, delivering praise in person can lead to misunderstandings. The risk lies in how the compliment is received and how it may affect the dynamic between the two individuals. Compliments delivered face-to-face are often scrutinized more heavily and can inadvertently cause the recipient to feel pressured or suspicious, undermining the positive impact they could have had. As a result, it’s often safer to find an alternative, more indirect method of expressing admiration—one that minimizes the risk of being misinterpreted as self-interested flattery.
The Solution: Compliment Through the Grapevine
A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way, you escape the suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, backscratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness.
Technique #51 – Grapevine Glory
Rather than giving compliments directly to someone, you can deliver them through the grapevine, which has long been an effective method for transmitting good and bad news. While the grapevine is often associated with gossip or rumors, it doesn’t have to be reserved for negative or scandalous information. The grapevine can be an ideal channel for sharing genuine praise and admiration. When you send a compliment through the grapevine, you bypass the potential pitfalls of direct flattery, allowing the praise to feel more spontaneous and less like an attempt to gain something in return.
The beauty of this method is that it often reaches the person being complimented without any involvement or expectation from you. This indirect form of communication allows the compliment to come across as more authentic. Since it’s being relayed by a third party—a trusted confidant or colleague—the person receiving the compliment is less likely to question your motives. They may be more inclined to believe that the praise is sincere simply because it comes from a source that doesn’t have anything to gain from the interaction.
This method also helps sidestep the discomfort or awkwardness that can arise when compliments are given directly. For instance, when you express your admiration face-to-face, the recipient may need to respond kindly, leading to a transactional dynamic. Compliments through the grapevine, on the other hand, allow the recipient to hear the praise without any expectation of reciprocation. This makes the compliment feel more like a genuine recognition of their qualities or actions rather than a calculated effort to influence or manipulate.
Using the grapevine frees you from the pressure of delivering a compliment directly and gives the message a more lasting and authentic impact. The indirect nature of the communication protects you from being seen as self-serving and ensures that the recipient hears the praise in a way that feels natural and unforced.
The Power of Indirect Praise
Indirect praise holds a special kind of power. It’s subtle, but it carries a significant weight. The impact of hearing that someone has spoken well of you behind your back is often far stronger than receiving the same compliment directly. The reason for this is psychological: when we hear someone compliment us face-to-face, we can’t help but wonder whether their praise is genuine or motivated by personal gain. However, when the same praise is delivered through a third party, it removes the potential for ulterior motives. The compliment feels more authentic because it’s no longer tied to any immediate benefit for the person delivering it.
This is not just a modern-day phenomenon. The idea of trusting praise shared behind our backs goes back centuries. An 18th-century writer, Thomas Fuller, recognized this when he stated, “He’s my friend that speaks well of me behind my back.” There’s something inherently trustworthy about praise that isn’t accompanied by expectations or demands. When someone speaks highly of us when we’re not around, it feels more like an authentic, unprompted acknowledgment of our worth. This form of praise feels genuine because it lacks the pressure or reciprocity associated with face-to-face compliments.
The power of indirect praise also lies in avoiding the transactional nature of direct compliments. When we compliment someone directly, there is often a subtle expectation of reciprocation, either in the form of gratitude or, in professional settings, favorable treatment. However, Indirect praise carries no such expectation, making it more valuable. When people hear praise secondhand, they can appreciate it as a spontaneous recognition of their value, which can feel more rewarding and less awkward.
This praise also reinforces that true admiration doesn’t require the recipient’s presence. It reminds you that people can recognize and appreciate your worth, even when you’re not directly in the room to hear it. This adds to the sense of authenticity and sincerity, which is why indirect praise is so effective.
No-Risk Praise: Complimenting Through a Third Party
One of the most powerful indirect praise techniques is complimenting someone through a third party. Instead of complimenting the person directly, you speak to someone close to them—someone likely to pass the message along. This technique has a built-in safety net: speaking to someone else eliminates the possibility of being perceived as self-serving or manipulative. You’re not trying to flatter the person directly; instead, you’re simply offering praise to a trusted colleague, friend, or family member, who will then relay the compliment.
For example, imagine you admire the leadership abilities of a colleague named Jane Smith. Rather than approaching Jane and telling her how much you admire her skills, you could mention it to her close associate, Diane Doe. You might say, “You know, Jane is an incredible leader. She made such insightful remarks during the meeting last week. I think she will do great things in this company.” Diane, in turn, would likely pass along your words to Jane; when Jane hears it, it won’t have the same suspicion attached. Since Diane is a trusted colleague, Jane will likely accept the compliment with genuine appreciation without worrying that there’s any ulterior motive behind it.
This method works because the complimented person can receive the praise without feeling pressure to respond or offer something in return. There’s no obligation tied to the compliment, which makes it feel more natural and authentic. In addition, the third party can serve as a credible messenger, which adds to the perceived value of the praise. When someone hears that they’ve been complimented by a peer or respected colleague, it enhances their sense of worth and confidence.
This method protects you from appearing self-interested and strengthens the relationships between all parties involved. You admire the complimented person and build rapport with the person you confide in. This exchange fosters community and mutual respect, making everyone feel valued.
Becoming a Carrier Pigeon of Compliments
Once you understand the value of passing compliments through the grapevine, you can take this concept one step further: becoming the carrier pigeon yourself. Instead of waiting for someone else to pass along praise, you can actively share compliments you’ve overheard or learned about someone. When you hear someone saying something kind about a colleague, friend, or family member, pass that praise along.
For example, if you overhear a colleague saying, “You know, Sarah handled that project well. She managed everything so smoothly,” take the opportunity to share that compliment with Sarah. You could say, “I heard so-and-so mention how impressed they were with your project handling. They said you did a fantastic job.” By passing along that positive feedback, you help build a culture of mutual admiration and respect where people feel appreciated without needing direct compliments. This approach also positions you as a generous and thoughtful individual who actively fosters goodwill and positivity within your network.
Acting as a carrier pigeon of compliments allows you to spread goodwill while avoiding any appearance of seeking attention for yourself. Instead of positioning yourself as someone trying to gain favor, you become a messenger of recognition, helping others feel seen and valued. By sharing compliments from others, you create a sense of community and trust, where people feel empowered and appreciated for their contributions.
The Allure of Grapevine Glory
The beauty of compliments delivered through the grapevine lies in the sense of mystery and exclusivity they offer. When someone hears praise secondhand, it’s not just the content of the compliment that resonates—it’s how it makes them feel. The recipient can imagine their praise spreading far and wide, perhaps even beyond their immediate circle. It becomes a kind of glory subtly woven into their reputation’s fabric. This feeling of being admired and respected without directly experiencing the compliment adds an element of excitement and pride to the recognition.
When compliments are delivered through the grapevine, they carry a certain allure. It’s as though the person being complimented is unknowingly at the center of a small, positive narrative. This sense of recognition feels more authentic because it’s not immediately self-referential. It allows the recipient to enjoy their praise without the discomfort or pressure of acknowledging it.
Grapevine compliments also have the advantage of spreading further than any direct compliment could. Once a compliment is passed along through trusted intermediaries, it’s likely to make its way through various circles, growing in strength as it goes. By the time it reaches the recipient, the compliment has taken on a life of its own, having traveled across networks and creating a deeper sense of value for the individual being praised. This indirect approach makes the compliment feel more organic and widespread rather than simply something said to them directly.
In the end, compliments that travel through the grapevine have a lasting impact. They allow the recipient to bask in the recognition of others without the need for self-promotion or awkward interaction. This indirect praise strengthens relationships, builds trust, and makes everyone involved feel valued and respected.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while direct compliments may seem the most straightforward way to express admiration, they often come with the risk of misinterpretation or suspicion. The grapevine offers a more subtle and effective means of praise, where compliments are delivered through trusted intermediaries, ensuring that they are received with sincerity and authenticity. This method not only helps bypass the potential awkwardness of direct praise but also creates a deeper appreciation for the recipient. By embracing the power of indirect praise, you can avoid the pitfalls of self-serving flattery, foster positive relationships, and ensure that your compliments leave a lasting and genuine impact.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.