You say you want happiness, a loving family, a meaningful career, and a sex life that rivals a second-century Roman emperor. But your actions, my friend, tell a different tale. Your behaviors are screaming, “I want to be a miserable sack of misery.” Well, if that’s your goal, let’s dive into the art of ruining your life with these nine expert-approved steps. And don’t worry, you might already be a pro at a few of them.
Step 1: Blame, Blame, Blame
Let’s dive into the first step on our misery journey: Blame. The blame game is an art form, and you’re about to become a master. The essence of this step is to always find someone or something else to hold responsible for your problems. It doesn’t matter how minor or significant the issue is; your mantra is, “It’s not my fault!” Did you miss your morning alarm and arrive late for work? Blame the alarm clock for malfunctioning or the universe for conspiring against you. Embrace the victim mentality with open arms because, in this world of misery, you are never accountable.
But here’s where it gets truly exciting: picking your scapegoats. You can blame anyone or anything under the sun. Maybe it’s the government for your taxes, society at large for its injustices, big corporations for exploiting you, your parents for your upbringing, or even that random group of people you’ve never liked just because. The possibilities are endless. Blame provides a comfortable cocoon where you can shield yourself from responsibility and cultivate the perfect environment for misery to thrive.
Step 2: Complain Like It’s an Olympic Sport
Now that you’ve mastered the art of blame, it’s time to put your vocal cords to good use. Complaining is your new superpower. It’s your way of ensuring that the world knows just how miserable you are. Whether it’s the weather, your job, your neighbors’ noisy lawnmower, or the price of avocados at the grocery store, there’s always something to grumble about.
Complaining serves a dual purpose in your quest for misery. Firstly, it guarantees that no one with a penchant for fun or interesting conversations will want to spend time with you. After all, who wants to be around a perpetual rain cloud? Secondly, it provides you with a deceptive sense of moral superiority. You can convince yourself that you’re actively doing something about your problems by voicing your displeasure. It’s like you care about the world’s issues, even though, deep down, you care mostly about yourself. It’s a brilliant illusion that feeds into your misery, so complain away!
Step 3: Avoid Discomfort at All Costs
Growth, improvement, and change might be buzzwords for those pursuing happiness, but not for you, the master of misery. You’re on a mission to avoid anything remotely uncomfortable or challenging. In your world, comfort is king.
Exercise? No thanks, sweating is unpleasant. Honest and difficult conversations with your loved ones? Why bother when you can sweep issues under the rug and let them fester? Learning new skills or considering a shift in your beliefs? That requires effort, and effort is anathema to misery. So, avoid any situation or experience that might lead to personal growth, because you’re committed to the stagnation that breeds misery.
Step 4: Wait for a Hero to Save You
Now that you’ve perfected the art of blame, complain incessantly, and shun discomfort, it’s time to introduce a new player into your misery narrative: the hero. You see, you’ve diligently avoided taking responsibility for your problems, so it’s only natural to believe that someone else will swoop in and fix everything.
This hero could be someone close to you, like a family member or friend. It might even be an imaginary dream partner, someone who exists solely in your fantasies and is perfect in every way. In more delusional moments, you might even consider a charismatic politician (though, trust us, we don’t recommend it). You’re putting all your hope in this hero, believing that they will magically make your life perfect.
Spoiler alert: They probably won’t.
Step 5: Get Angry When Heroes Fail
As your heroes inevitably fall short of your impossibly high expectations (because, well, they’re human), it’s time to unleash your anger. How dare they disappoint you after you’ve invested all your hope in them? This step is all about blaming others even more vehemently and making sure everyone knows they’ve let you down.
These heroes were your lifeline, your last vestige of hope, and now they’ve failed you. Remember, it’s not your fault for putting your happiness in their hands; it’s theirs for failing to meet your unattainable standards. Your anger is not just justified; it’s a vital tool in your misery arsenal.
Step 6: Obsess Over Others’ Opinions
With your life now a whirlwind of blame, complaints, and shattered hopes, it’s time to turn your attention outward and obsess over what everyone else thinks about you. This step is where things get really interesting.
Remember, in your world, you’re the star, and everyone else is just a supporting character. So, whenever someone sends you a message or interacts with you, it’s not about them; it’s all about you. A friend sends you a birthday text? Don’t take it at face value; instead, wonder endlessly about their ulterior motives. Someone slides into your DMs on social media? Enter full-blown panic mode as you dissect every emoji and word choice.
In this twisted version of reality, everything is a reflection of your importance, and you’re constantly seeking validation, even when it’s entirely unnecessary. After all, it’s all about you, all the time.
Step 7: Validate Your Thoughts on Social Media
When your friends and family have had enough of your constant negativity and distanced themselves from you, it’s time to turn to social media. It’s the perfect platform to validate your darkest thoughts and most outlandish ideas.
Social media algorithms are your enablers; they’ll ensure that whatever you put out into the digital universe comes right back at you. If you’re feeling intense anger or general malaise towards humanity, the algorithm will find kindred spirits to amplify your beliefs. If you have wild ideas about political revolution or the government showering you with money, rest assured, social media will connect you with like-minded individuals. And if you believe that all members of a particular gender are utterly terrible, social media has got your back.
In your world, you’re not the problem; they are. Social media validates your beliefs, no matter how absurd or divisive they may be.
Step 8: Numb Yourself for Comfort
By this point, you’ve spiraled even deeper into misery, and you’ll need a way to cope with the overwhelming despair. Video games, TikTok, and Netflix are just the tip of the iceberg. They offer a superficial escape from reality, helping you momentarily forget about your problems.
But if you’re ready to take it to the next level, consider numbing your senses with substances and destructive behaviors. Alcoholism, gambling addiction, or squandering your life savings on fleeting pleasures can further mess up your life. The messier, the better, because you’re inching closer to the pinnacle of misery.
Step 9: Embrace the Belief That Change Is Impossible
Congratulations, you’ve arrived at the final step on your journey into the depths of misery. In this stage, you’ll embrace the ultimate belief: that change is impossible. You’ve successfully encased yourself in a cocoon of despair, convinced that your misery is here to stay, and happiness is a mirage on the distant horizon.
This belief isn’t just icing on the cake; it’s more like encasing the entire cake in carbonite, just like Han Solo in “Star Wars.” You’ve achieved permanent misery, and the best part is, it’s not your fault. It’s the world’s fault, right? You’re a helpless victim of circumstances, and there’s no way out.
In conclusion, if you faithfully follow these nine steps, you’ll become a true maestro of misery. Remember, I bear no responsibility for your choices; you clicked on this article, after all. But now, as you bask in the glory of your newfound misery, it’s time for me to sign off with the words I would say to misery: “F**k you very much. I’m out.”