In the grand tapestry of human interaction, few things are as universally dreaded as delivering bad news. It’s not just the content of the message but how it’s conveyed that can make or break personal and professional relationships. The delicate art of delivering disappointing or uncomfortable news requires more than just honesty—it demands empathy, tact, and an awareness of the emotional landscape of the receiver. Consider the ancient Egyptians, where the pharaoh’s wrath often sealed the fate of a messenger bringing bad news. But in modern society, we don’t have the luxury (or the barbarity) of such extreme measures. We can learn how to deliver bad news with grace so that even in difficult moments, relationships can remain intact if not strengthened.
The Importance of Attitude When Delivering Bad News
The core of delivering bad news lies not in the content of the message but in the emotional framework through which it is delivered. The attitude we embody when sharing unfortunate information can make all the difference in how it is received. Imagine being on the receiving end of bad news when it is accompanied by a dispassionate or even overly cheerful tone. It can amplify the message’s negative impact, making it feel more like an insult than a mere inconvenience.
Consider the example of a neighbor who, upon seeing you with your picnic basket, gleefully announces that the weather forecast predicts rain. While this piece of information is, in itself, neutral, the delivery is what makes it feel like a slap in the face. The lack of empathy in the neighbor’s tone—his lighthearted smile and carefree demeanor—disregards the disappointment you’re about to experience. It makes the news even more unpleasant if the neighbor is disconnected from your feelings. What you need at that moment is not just information about the weather but someone who acknowledges how frustrating this change in plans is. If he had said, “I know, it’s a real bummer; I was hoping for some sunshine too,” it would have shown a shared recognition of the situation. By understanding the emotional landscape of the person receiving the news, the speaker ensures that the information is processed in a way that respects the receiver’s feelings.
This concept extends far beyond personal interactions. In professional settings, for instance, how a manager delivers a layoff notice can set the tone for the entire experience. A manager who imparts this difficult news without care—without acknowledging the shock or distress the employee may feel—risks creating a rift in the relationship, which may be impossible to repair. However, a manager who delivers the same news with compassion—taking the time to express regret, offer support, and show understanding—can maintain respect and leave the employee with dignity, even in the face of bad news. In personal and professional contexts, the attitude with which bad news is delivered can significantly alter its emotional impact and influence the relationship moving forward.
The Golden Rule of Bad News: Share the Sentiment
When it comes to bad news, there’s a simple yet profound rule to follow: share in the sentiment of the receiver. This principle is at the heart of effective communication. It’s not just about giving someone information; it’s about delivering it in a way that resonates with the emotions of the person receiving it. This is a crucial skill that separates the emotionally intelligent from the tactless.
Take the example of a doctor saying that a patient requires surgery. This is inherently distressing information, but the way the doctor communicates it can either help the patient feel supported or exacerbate their anxiety. A cold clinical delivery might leave the patient feeling abandoned or isolated, as though they are just another case. On the other hand, a compassionate doctor would deliver the news with warmth, empathy, and a reassuring tone. They might say, “I understand this may be overwhelming, but the good news is that we’ve caught this early, and surgery is the best option for you.” This approach acknowledges the patient’s feelings and provides a sense of hope, making the bad news easier to absorb.
Similarly, a manager delivering the news that an employee did not get the job they were hoping for has an opportunity to ease the sting of disappointment. Instead of just saying, “We chose someone else,” a thoughtful manager might say, “I know this is not the outcome you were hoping for, and I truly appreciate your effort and dedication throughout the process. Let’s discuss how we can work together on your development to make you stronger next time.” By delivering the news with empathy and providing direction for the future, the manager demonstrates respect for the employee’s feelings and reinforces a sense of value.
In these examples, the key is that the communicator doesn’t just deliver the facts—they engage with the emotional state of the receiver, showing that they understand the emotional weight of the situation. This approach transforms the experience from one of alienation to one of connection.
The Insensitivity That Stings
At the heart of every difficult conversation lies an underlying principle: how the news is delivered makes all the difference. When shared without empathy or sensitivity, bad news can come across as a slap in the face. This is especially true when the person delivering the news is oblivious to the receiver’s emotional state, often exacerbating the situation by offering a too-cheerful or indifferent response.
Take the example of a hotel clerk informing you that your room isn’t ready yet. After a long, exhausting flight, you only want to collapse into the comfort of a soft bed. The clerk’s cheery tone as they inform you of the delay might be jarring, as it feels completely disconnected from the frustration and fatigue you’re experiencing. It’s not just the bad news itself; the emotional disconnect makes it feel worse. Without acknowledging your potential irritation or discomfort, the cheery delivery of such news feels callous. A more empathetic approach might involve saying, “I’m sorry; I know you’ve just arrived after a long journey, and I’ll do my best to get your room ready as soon as possible.” This approach acknowledges your feelings and helps you feel that your discomfort is being understood.
Similarly, when a server informs you that your desired dish is no longer available, the lack of empathy in their tone can make the news feel even more disappointing. It’s not just that you don’t get what you wanted, but that the person delivering the news seems almost indifferent to your disappointment. If the waiter had instead said, “I’m so sorry! We just ran out of that dish. Would you like to hear about another option that might suit your tastes?” the interaction would have felt more considerate. The key is that the delivery is as important as the news. Insensitivity can easily turn a minor inconvenience into a frustrating experience that lingers far longer than necessary.
What Makes a Difference: The Right Delivery
When it comes to delivering bad news, timing and tone are everything. It’s not enough to simply share the information; the way you share it—tailoring the delivery to the emotional needs of the receiver—can profoundly impact how the message is received. Think about the difference between the two ways of communicating the same bad news. One person may deliver the news in a blunt, matter-of-fact tone, while another might deliver it with empathy and understanding. The first may leave the receiver feeling isolated and disrespected, while the second helps the person process the news with support and connection.
For example, consider the situation where a bus has just left, and you arrive just in time to see it pull away. If the sales clerk greets you with a smile and casually mentions, “Oh, the bus left five minutes ago,” you are frustrated and helpless. The news delivery feels indifferent as if your time and plans don’t matter. However, if the sales clerk had acknowledged the situation with empathy—saying, “I’m so sorry, the bus just left, but I can help you get on the next one,”—the experience would feel less like a lost opportunity and more like a minor setback. The same bad news is delivered, but the emotional impact is dramatically different.
It’s not about sugar-coating the news or pretending the situation isn’t unpleasant—acknowledging the other person’s emotional state and offering a response that makes them feel understood. Acknowledging someone’s frustration, disappointment, or anger can transform an unpleasant moment into a manageable one, leaving the person feeling less alone in their experience.
It’s the Receiver’s Ball: Keep Their Feelings in Mind
Technique #34 – It’s the Receiver’s Ball
A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news but how the receiver will take it.
When delivering bad news, the most important thing is to remember the receiver. Just like a quarterback doesn’t throw a pass without considering the receiver’s position, a communicator should never deliver news without considering the person’s emotional state. Consider how the other person will feel upon hearing the news, and tailor your delivery to their emotional needs.
If you tell someone that a project they’ve worked on for weeks has been delayed, they will likely feel frustrated, disappointed, or even anxious. By acknowledging these feelings with empathy—perhaps with a statement like, “I know this is disappointing, and I understand how hard you’ve worked on this project”—you provide them with an emotional buffer that helps them process the news. The goal is to deliver the news in a way that aligns with their emotional state, showing that you are not just the bearer of bad news but someone who understands their feelings and is there to help them navigate the situation.
This principle applies to negative news and any communication. Communicating with the receiver in mind—whether you are offering good news, bad news, or neutral information—demonstrates emotional intelligence and respect. This helps build trust and strengthen relationships, as people will appreciate the thoughtfulness and consideration you give to their emotional experience.
How Not to Give News: Avoid the Pitfall of Blind Delivery
Sometimes, the best course of action is not to deliver bad news at all, at least not immediately. A great communicator knows that timing is everything, and knowing when not to share news can be just as important as knowing how to deliver it when the time is right. Consider the receiver’s emotional state and assess whether they are in a position to handle the news at that moment.
Sometimes, people press you for information, and it can feel tempting just to give them an answer, even when you know it’s not the right time. Perhaps you’re in a stressful conversation, and someone demands an immediate answer to a difficult question. In these cases, it’s important to consider the context and the emotional needs of the person you’re communicating with. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is delay the conversation until the person is in a better frame to process the news.
Similarly, when the receiver is overwhelmed, bad news may exacerbate their distress. In such cases, a great communicator will take a step back, consider the timing, and withhold the news until a more appropriate moment. This shows a deep understanding of the emotional complexities involved and ensures that the news, when delivered, will have the best chance of being processed constructively.
Knowing when to hold back and when to speak is a subtle but powerful skill in communication. It requires emotional intelligence and a deep understanding of the person on the receiving end, making it a crucial part of effective interpersonal communication.
Conclusion: The Key to Effective Communication
In conclusion, the art of giving bad news is not about the news itself but about how you deliver it. Those who excel in communication understand the importance of aligning their emotional tone with the receiver’s likely reaction. We can minimize the sting and preserve the relationship by delivering bad news with empathy, compassion, and timing. The key is always to keep the receiver in mind, ensuring that the news, while potentially difficult, is given with the understanding and sensitivity it deserves. Mastering this skill in professional settings or personal relationships can help transform difficult conversations into opportunities for connection and growth.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.