One of the most intriguing aspects of human nature is our innate desire for approval. This inclination towards seeking approval, validation and acceptance from others has deep-seated roots in our evolutionary history. In the early days of humanity, being liked and accepted by the tribe was not merely a matter of preference but a fundamental necessity for survival. This primitive need for approval was intricately linked to our ability to secure food, shelter, and protection from threats.
As time has progressed, our societies have evolved, and survival dynamics have transformed. In the modern age, apart from adhering to legal and ethical norms, our survival is no longer contingent upon the approval of others. However, the desire for approval persists, and it exerts a profound influence on our lives, often in less apparent ways than in our ancestral past.
The Price of Seeking Approval
Seeking approval is an age-old instinct deeply embedded in the human psyche. In our earliest history, the need for acceptance from the tribe or community was a matter of survival. Early human beings were social creatures, and their survival was contingent upon belonging to a group. The safety, food, and protection provided by the tribe were only accessible if one was accepted and valued within that group. In many ways, this need for social acceptance was directly linked to physical survival—being ostracized from the group meant a high likelihood of death or injury, a fact that shaped early human behavior and relationships.
Fast forward to the modern world, and while physical survival is no longer directly tied to social approval, the psychological drive to seek validation remains. In the current age, the social fabric is no longer about tribal survival; rather, it has become a network of relationships and interactions that can influence personal and professional success. Today, approval from others can enhance social status, open doors to opportunities, and facilitate career progression. We all know the power of a well-placed recommendation or the boost that comes from receiving positive feedback.
However, this instinct, which once served a clear purpose, now operates in ways that can harm us. The price of seeking approval in the modern world is often the compromise of our authenticity. When we make the pursuit of others’ validation the focus of our lives, we begin to live according to external expectations rather than our own beliefs, desires, and passions. In the short term, this may seem like a manageable trade-off, especially when external validation brings tangible rewards. But over time, this relentless chase for approval saps our emotional energy and creates a cycle of dependency. Our self-worth becomes entangled with how others perceive us, and the more we seek to please, the more detached we become from our authentic selves.
As we focus more on shaping ourselves to fit others’ expectations, we lose the ability to discern our true desires from the desires placed upon us by society. We may engage in activities, pursue careers, or adopt beliefs simply to meet the approval of others, rather than because they resonate with our own inner truth. This subtle form of self-betrayal can lead to deep dissatisfaction, as we find ourselves living a life that doesn’t align with who we truly are. This, ultimately, is the high cost of seeking approval—the slow erosion of our individuality, which is replaced by a version of ourselves shaped by the need to gain acceptance from external sources.
The most troubling aspect of this dynamic is that the validation we seek from others is often fleeting. People’s opinions shift with trends, circumstances, or moods. When we build our self-worth around these transient judgments, we create an unstable foundation. One day we may feel like we are living up to others’ expectations, and the next, we are left questioning our identity when those same people turn their backs or change their perceptions. It’s a precarious way to live, always chasing something that’s not within our control—leaving us vulnerable and disconnected from the very thing that we need most: ourselves.
The Trap of External Validation
In today’s consumer-driven, socially connected world, external validation is not only sought but also sold. Every scroll through social media, every advertisement we see, and even the subtle messages embedded in pop culture is designed to convince us that our value lies in the things we own, the places we visit, or the way we appear to others. This pervasive messaging feeds the belief that our self-worth can be quantified by external factors—how many followers we have, how many likes our posts get, or how much attention we attract. This isn’t just a passing trend; it’s a deeply ingrained belief that many of us carry, whether consciously or unconsciously.
While receiving approval or recognition can feel good in the moment, it’s important to recognize that these external sources of validation are, by nature, unsustainable. We cannot base our entire sense of self on things that are not in our control. When we rely on the opinions of others to define our value, we are, in effect, giving up our power. We surrender our autonomy to the whims of society, allowing others to decide whether we are worthy or not. This creates a toxic cycle where our sense of self fluctuates depending on the feedback we receive, leaving us at the mercy of others’ perceptions.
The problem with external validation is not that it’s inherently wrong; it’s that it becomes dangerous when it becomes the sole driver of our decisions and emotions. For example, we may tailor our actions, our interests, and even our appearance to fit the mold of what society expects from us. In doing so, we become performers on the stage of life, always playing a role that we believe will win us approval. This can be seen in the way people adopt particular lifestyles or personas that are popular at the moment, whether it’s a fashion trend, a political stance, or a social cause. While this might win us the approval of a group, it also means we are no longer living authentically.
Furthermore, relying on external validation for self-worth stunts personal growth. When we look outward for approval, we are not looking inward for validation. We stop asking ourselves if our choices align with our core values and principles. Instead, we measure our success and happiness by the standards set by others. This leaves little room for introspection, self-discovery, and the cultivation of true self-esteem. Without the ability to validate ourselves, we become forever dependent on the judgment of others.
This dependency also hinders our ability to form genuine, deep connections with others. True relationships are based on mutual understanding, respect, and authenticity—not on how much we can conform to others’ expectations. When we continuously seek validation, we begin to build relationships with masks on—always trying to be the person others want us to be, rather than the person we truly are. This creates a superficial dynamic where the real connection between individuals is obscured by the need for approval.
In the end, seeking external validation ultimately leads us further away from our authentic selves. The more we look to others for confirmation, the more we become disconnected from our own inner truth. This disconnection breeds a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Only by breaking free from the need for constant approval can we reclaim our power, rediscover our true selves, and find peace in our own worth. When we learn to validate ourselves from within, we unlock the freedom to live authentically, guided by our values and principles, rather than by the fleeting opinions of others.
The Dangers of Conforming
Conformity is a powerful force in modern society, and it often arises from the deep-seated need for approval. From a young age, we are socialized to fit in—to align with norms, traditions, and expectations. This drive is reinforced by peer pressure, media portrayals, and the subtle cues we receive from those around us. While conformity is sometimes a harmless way of navigating social dynamics, it can also become a dangerous trap when we lose sight of our individuality in the process.
One of the most insidious dangers of conformity is that it can lead to a life that is not truly our own. It’s easy to fall into the trap of doing what others do, simply because it’s what is expected or accepted by the majority. Over time, this pattern of behavior becomes ingrained, and we may begin to make choices that are based on the desire to fit in, rather than on our own values or desires. We may attend parties we don’t enjoy, wear clothes that don’t reflect our personality, or pursue career paths that others deem prestigious—all in the name of seeking validation from those around us.
This process of self-erasure begins subtly. It might start with small concessions, like saying yes to plans we don’t want to follow or pretending to like things that don’t bring us joy. But over time, these small sacrifices add up, and we begin to question whether we even know who we are anymore. We might find ourselves trapped in a life that looks successful on the outside, but feels hollow on the inside. In truth, we are simply reflecting the values and expectations of those around us, not living in accordance with our own.
The danger of conforming is not just in the lost sense of identity, but in the long-term emotional toll it takes. Continually pretending to be someone we are not is mentally exhausting. It requires constant vigilance to maintain the mask, and this perpetual act of self-deception can lead to anxiety, stress, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction. The more we conform, the more we disconnect from our own desires, creating a cycle of internal conflict. We may start to feel resentful toward the expectations placed upon us, yet we continue to live up to them, believing that our worth is dependent on meeting these external standards.
Moreover, conformity can lead to a sense of powerlessness. When we let the opinions and expectations of others dictate our actions, we lose our ability to make decisions based on our own needs and desires. We become passive participants in our own lives, going along with the flow rather than charting our own course. This passivity leads to a lack of agency, and the more we succumb to external pressures, the less we feel in control of our own destinies. We may find ourselves stuck in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, or lifestyles, all because we were too afraid to step outside the boundaries of what was expected.
Another unfortunate byproduct of conformity is that it stifles creativity and personal growth. When we conform to societal norms, we often suppress unique perspectives and ideas that don’t fit within those norms. We may have thoughts, dreams, or talents that are outside the mainstream, but we dismiss them in favor of playing it safe and fitting in with the crowd. Over time, this suppression of creativity leads to a sense of stagnation. We stop exploring new possibilities or taking risks because we are too focused on staying within the confines of what is familiar and accepted.
Conformity is also detrimental to our relationships. While it may bring temporary harmony in social situations, it prevents us from forming authentic connections. Genuine relationships are built on trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect. When we constantly conform, we hide the true aspects of ourselves—our quirks, passions, and opinions—from those around us. As a result, the connections we build may feel shallow and insubstantial, lacking the depth and intimacy that come from truly knowing one another.
The path to overcoming conformity begins with self-awareness. We must recognize when we are conforming out of habit, fear, or a desire for approval, rather than making decisions based on our own values. This awareness is the first step toward reclaiming our individuality and stepping into our power. It requires courage to stand apart from the crowd, to say no when others say yes, and to trust that our unique perspective has value, even if it doesn’t align with societal expectations.
Authenticity: The Power of Self-Validation
Authenticity is often regarded as one of the highest virtues in modern society. It’s a quality that draws people in, not because they are trying to impress others, but because they are unapologetically themselves. The power of authenticity lies in its simplicity—when we are truly ourselves, we resonate with others in a way that feels natural and genuine. Authenticity is magnetic because it reflects a person who is comfortable in their own skin, who values their inner truth over the need to conform to external pressures.
One of the most profound aspects of living authentically is the freedom it provides. When we stop seeking validation from others, we no longer feel tethered to the judgments of those around us. We no longer live in fear of rejection, criticism, or the need to constantly measure up. Instead, we find strength in our own self-assurance. This shift in mindset is empowering because it places the locus of control back within ourselves, rather than relying on the approval of others to define our worth.
Authenticity is also a form of emotional liberation. When we stop pretending to be someone we are not, we free ourselves from the emotional burden of keeping up appearances. This is a crucial step in mental well-being. No longer do we have to mask our true feelings, desires, or aspirations to fit a mold created by others. We can express ourselves honestly and openly, which leads to a greater sense of peace and contentment.
Moreover, when we embrace our authenticity, we also allow others to do the same. The act of living genuinely encourages those around us to let go of their own façades and show up as their true selves. In this way, authenticity fosters deeper, more meaningful connections. People are naturally drawn to others who are comfortable being who they are, and they are more likely to reciprocate with honesty and openness. Relationships that are built on mutual authenticity are far more fulfilling and lasting than those based on superficial interactions or conformity.
Authenticity also plays a significant role in personal growth. When we are authentic, we are more aligned with our core values and beliefs. We make decisions that reflect who we truly are, rather than what others expect from us. This alignment with our inner truth fosters greater clarity in our goals and ambitions, as we are no longer distracted by the noise of external expectations. Instead of chasing after approval, we focus on what truly matters to us—our passions, our dreams, and our purpose.
The power of self-validation is perhaps the most important aspect of authenticity. Learning to validate ourselves means that we do not rely on others to give us permission to be who we are. We trust our own judgments, and we take pride in our individuality. When we begin to validate ourselves, we stop seeking approval and start living for our own satisfaction. This internal validation is unshakable because it comes from within; it is not subject to the whims of others.
Living authentically also enables us to take risks. When we are true to ourselves, we are more willing to step out of our comfort zones and pursue opportunities that align with our values and interests. We no longer fear judgment or failure, because we are not trying to meet external standards—we are simply pursuing what feels right to us. This courage to take risks and follow our own path can lead to extraordinary personal growth and success.
Ultimately, authenticity is the key to living a fulfilled and meaningful life. It allows us to show up in the world as our true selves, free from the constraints of approval-seeking and conformity. When we embrace our authenticity, we not only enrich our own lives but also inspire others to do the same. It is through authenticity that we connect with others in the deepest, most meaningful ways, and it is through authenticity that we unlock our true potential.
The Freedom of Not Seeking Approval
The true freedom that comes from not seeking approval is often underestimated, but it’s a game-changer in terms of emotional and psychological well-being. When we let go of the need for external validation, we release ourselves from the shackles of constantly measuring our worth against the expectations of others. This liberation allows us to live more authentically and purposefully, unburdened by the need to fit into societal molds or conform to groupthink.
In today’s world, where external judgment is often amplified by social media and public opinion, choosing not to seek approval is a radical act of self-empowerment. When we stop seeking approval, we are no longer dependent on others for our sense of self-worth. This shift in mindset is incredibly freeing because it puts the power of self-definition back in our hands. We no longer rely on others’ opinions, which are constantly changing, to determine our emotional state or our sense of success. Instead, we trust ourselves and our own inner compass.
This newfound freedom allows us to make decisions based on our own values, passions, and goals rather than being swayed by the fleeting opinions of others. When we stop living to please others, we open up the space to pursue what genuinely matters to us. Whether it’s a career change, a creative endeavor, or a personal relationship, we can make choices that align with our authentic self. This sense of agency is incredibly empowering because it affirms that we are in control of our own lives and destinies. We no longer wait for someone else’s approval to take action or make a change.
Beyond decision-making, freedom from approval also grants us the peace of mind to live without fear of judgment or criticism. Many people avoid taking risks or expressing their true selves because they fear rejection or disapproval. However, once we accept that we don’t need others to validate our choices, we can confidently step into the unknown without worrying about the opinions of those around us. This courage to embrace uncertainty is transformative, enabling us to pursue dreams and aspirations that we may have once kept hidden due to fear of judgment.
Additionally, the freedom that comes from not seeking approval allows us to be more present and engaged in our lives. When we are constantly focused on pleasing others, we can become distracted and disconnected from our own experiences. We may feel like we’re always performing for an audience, even when we’re alone. However, when we stop seeking approval, we shift our focus inward and learn to appreciate our own company. We become more attuned to our own feelings, desires, and needs, which helps us create a more fulfilling and satisfying life.
One of the most important aspects of this freedom is that it empowers us to make mistakes without the crushing weight of external judgment. We all fail at times, but the fear of disappointing others or falling short of societal expectations often keeps us from trying new things. When we free ourselves from the need for approval, we give ourselves permission to fail, learn, and grow. We no longer feel the need to be perfect, and this willingness to embrace imperfection allows us to experience life more fully and authentically.
In a broader sense, not seeking approval also helps us cultivate emotional resilience. We learn to rely on our own validation instead of seeking reassurance from others, which makes us less vulnerable to the fluctuations of external opinions. We no longer feel as though our emotional well-being is at the mercy of other people’s moods or judgments. Instead, we learn to be our own source of strength and affirmation, which builds our inner confidence and self-assurance.
By choosing to stop seeking approval, we also contribute to creating a more authentic and supportive society. When we live without the constant pressure to conform, we inspire others to do the same. Our courage to live authentically can serve as a beacon for those who may feel trapped by societal expectations or the need for validation. In this way, freedom from approval becomes a ripple effect, encouraging others to reclaim their personal power and embrace their true selves.
The Paradox of Approval
The paradox of approval is one of the most intriguing aspects of human behavior: the more we chase it, the more it eludes us. This paradox operates on the principle that what we desire most is often the very thing that slips through our fingers when we pursue it with desperation. In the case of approval, the more we seek it from others, the more we push it away. This phenomenon has been observed time and again in social dynamics, whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or even on social media.
At the heart of this paradox is the idea that approval is most effectively attained when we stop seeking it. When we focus on gaining approval from others, we become overly concerned with how we are perceived, and our actions become driven by the desire to please or conform. This creates an inauthentic version of ourselves—one that is shaped by external pressures rather than our own values, passions, or desires. People sense this inauthenticity, and as a result, they may be repelled rather than attracted to us.
Ironically, the more we try to impress others, the more we distance ourselves from them. People are naturally drawn to authenticity, to those who are unapologetically themselves, because it feels refreshing and real. When we stop performing and simply be who we are, we allow others to connect with us on a deeper, more genuine level. This is the paradox: by letting go of the need for approval, we naturally become more appealing to others.
The paradox also applies to the dynamics of attraction. It’s common for people to chase after the approval of others in the hopes of gaining admiration or affection. However, when they stop trying so hard to impress, they often find that admiration and affection flow naturally toward them. This is why we often find that people who seem indifferent to the approval of others tend to have the most fulfilling relationships. They don’t base their worth on external validation, so they are able to attract genuine connections based on mutual respect and shared values.
This paradox is also evident in the workplace and in social situations. Employees who constantly seek approval from their bosses or peers often come across as insecure or lacking confidence. Conversely, those who are self-assured and focused on doing their best work, rather than pleasing others, tend to gain the respect and admiration they seek. The same applies to social interactions: people who are confident in themselves and don’t need constant validation from others often find that they are more liked and respected.
The paradox of approval challenges us to rethink the way we approach relationships and success. It teaches us that the key to gaining approval is not to focus on the approval itself, but to focus on living authentically and doing what is right for us. When we stop trying to be something we’re not in order to gain approval, we allow our true selves to shine through. This authenticity attracts others who appreciate us for who we are, not for the persona we’ve created to win their favor.
Furthermore, the paradox highlights the importance of self-validation. When we learn to validate ourselves, we no longer need the constant approval of others to feel worthy. This self-validation allows us to live confidently, make decisions based on our own values, and pursue goals that align with our true desires. We stop measuring our worth by external standards and start measuring it by the depth of our own convictions and the integrity with which we live our lives.
In the end, the paradox of approval reveals a profound truth: the less we seek the approval of others, the more we naturally attract it. By releasing the need for validation, we free ourselves to live authentically, confidently, and with purpose. And in doing so, we become not only more attractive to others, but more aligned with our own sense of self-worth.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while deeply ingrained in human nature, the quest for approval must be approached with mindfulness. It’s essential to recognize that our worth is not determined by the perceptions of others but by our self-validation. By embracing our authenticity, we free ourselves from the shackles of seeking approval and radiate a unique light that attracts genuine admiration and respect from those who appreciate the beauty of individuality.