Jealousy, an emotion that can consume us when we fear losing something or someone we hold dear. It often rears its head in intimate relationships, where the prospect of losing a partner to another fills us with dread. In this video, we delve into the Stoic solutions for jealousy, shedding light on how this ancient philosophy can help us navigate this complex emotion.
Understanding the Difference: Jealousy vs. Envy
To effectively address jealousy, it’s vital to distinguish it from envy. Jealousy, in essence, arises from the fear of losing something we cherish to another person. It often manifests in intimate relationships where the idea of a partner being drawn away by someone else triggers this intense emotion. Envy, on the other hand, revolves around coveting something possessed by another—whether it’s a car, a house, looks, or any other external possession. Envy is the resentment directed at those we perceive as more fortunate than ourselves.
Stoic Insights: Impermanence and External Happiness
From a Stoic perspective, jealousy is rooted in two fundamental aspects: the illusion of permanence and the mistaken belief that external things are the keys to our happiness. Stoic philosophers keenly observed the impermanence inherent in the very nature of the universe. They understood that everything external, beyond our own faculties, is beyond our control. Jealousy often emerges from the attachment to external things, such as a partner or possessions, and the fear of losing them.
Embracing Impermanence
Stoics recognize that everything we hold dear is subject to change. The Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius aptly noted, “Bear in mind that everything that exists is already fraying at the edges and in transition, subject to fragmentation and to rot.” This constant state of change is an inherent part of the universe. While it may seem daunting, accepting this impermanence is the first step in dealing with jealousy. Whether it’s an intense infatuation with a partner or a deep connection with a friend, it’s essential to acknowledge that, someday, separation is inevitable.
The Stoic Concept of Amor Fati
The Stoic concept of “amor fati” encourages us to embrace the outcomes of our lives, whatever they may be. As Stoic philosopher Epictetus wisely reminds us, “Never say anything is lost, but that it has returned.” When applied to relationships, this notion challenges the idea of ownership. We never truly possess the people we love; instead, we enjoy their presence for a time. This perspective can alleviate the pain of jealousy, reminding us that the presence of a particular person in our life is temporary, and we should cherish it while it lasts.
Recognizing the Rationality of Jealousy
Jealousy, when viewed through a Stoic lens, is revealed to be a rather rational response. The fear of losing someone we care about aligns with the ever-changing nature of the universe. While it may be disconcerting, this realization can help us understand that our jealousy is not unfounded. Yes, your partner could choose to be with someone else, and your supposed best friend may find the company of others preferable. These possibilities are not only realistic but also quite common.
The Futility of Trying to Control the External:
Stoicism teaches us that attempting to control the external world, which is beyond our influence, is a futile endeavor. It’s a waste of time and energy to obsessively grasp and cling to the things we fear losing. The Stoic perspective suggests that we redirect our focus from the external to the internal. Instead of anxiously clinging to external possessions, including people, we can center our attention on living virtuously and well, regardless of external circumstances.
Preferred Indifference: Recognizing External Things as Secondary
Stoicism categorizes external things, even our most cherished ones, as “preferred indifference.” While they can enhance our lives and support our virtuous journey, they are not essential for happiness. The Stoic view asserts that genuine happiness resides in virtuous actions. Thus, focusing on living well becomes paramount. When we shift our attention from anxiously holding onto external possessions to living virtuously, we open ourselves to attracting more preferred indifference into our lives.
A Paradox: Attracting What We No Longer Cling To
It may seem paradoxical, but when we stop clinging to the things we fear losing, we often find that they stay with us willingly. The absence of jealousy can lead to healthier, more authentic relationships. Those we cherish are more likely to remain in our lives out of genuine choice, rather than being driven away by our anxieties.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Stoicism offers invaluable insights into addressing jealousy. By embracing the impermanence of the external world and redirecting our focus towards virtuous living, we can find solace in the face of jealousy. Stoicism encourages us to acknowledge the rationality of our fears and recognize that our true happiness is rooted in virtuous actions, not external possessions. So, let us strive to live well, appreciate the temporary nature of what we hold dear, and foster relationships based on trust and authenticity.