Jealousy—the emotion that creeps into our lives when we fear the loss of something we value. It might be a partner, a friend, or even a prized position within a social group. At its core, jealousy is born from insecurity, and its manifestation is as old as humanity itself. But how do the Stoics, with their timeless wisdom, suggest we deal with this toxic emotion? Let’s explore their practical solutions for turning jealousy into something manageable, or even productive, in our lives.
Understanding the Roots of Jealousy
Jealousy is a complex emotion that is often misunderstood as merely a reaction to someone else’s success or affection. However, its deeper origins lie in a profound attachment to external things, which could be relationships, possessions, or social status. This attachment stems from the belief that our happiness is dependent on the presence of these external factors. Jealousy arises when we fear losing these things, or when we perceive a threat to our possession of them.
At the core of jealousy is the belief that something or someone is “ours” and that our sense of self-worth is tied to them. This makes the prospect of loss emotionally devastating. In intimate relationships, for example, jealousy often manifests when we fear that our partner may be drawn to someone else. We might worry that our place in their life is threatened, and that this loss will diminish our sense of self. This belief is what makes jealousy so painful—it feels as though the very essence of who we are is being questioned or threatened by external circumstances.
What complicates this emotional response is that it is not just about what we fear losing, but also about how we define our identity in relation to these things. If our self-worth is based on being in a relationship or possessing certain things, the loss of those things can feel like a loss of ourselves. Thus, jealousy becomes a reflection of insecurity, a feeling that our value is dependent on something fleeting or outside of our control.
This emotional entanglement can cause us to act irrationally, whether it’s through possessiveness, anxiety, or distrust. In these moments, the Stoic approach invites us to reflect on the impermanence of the things we cherish and to recognize that we cannot control them. Instead, we must learn to detach our identity and sense of worth from external factors and find peace within ourselves.
The Illusion of Permanence
One of the greatest misconceptions we hold as humans is that things will remain as they are. We build emotional and psychological structures around relationships, possessions, and status, often believing that they will endure unchanged throughout our lives. But the Stoics teach us that everything in life is in constant flux, subject to the forces of nature and time. The only constant in life is change, and this inevitable truth is both liberating and humbling.
The Stoic view of the universe is that all things are impermanent and subject to decay. The relationships we hold dear, the material possessions we accumulate, and even our own health are all temporary. No matter how much we cherish these things, we cannot stop the inevitable forces of nature that will eventually change or remove them from our lives. Marcus Aurelius captured this truth beautifully when he stated, “everything that exists is already fraying at the edges and in transition, subject to fragmentation and to rot.” This means that everything in our lives, no matter how secure or stable it may seem, is in a state of constant change.
This understanding of impermanence is particularly important when it comes to jealousy. When we become attached to something, whether it’s a relationship, a reputation, or a possession, we fall into the illusion of permanence. We start to believe that these things will always be with us, and when we fear losing them, it creates anxiety and insecurity. However, once we accept the transient nature of life, we can begin to view these things as temporary, not something to hold onto for dear life.
By internalizing the truth of impermanence, we not only relieve ourselves of the anxiety of potential loss but also develop a deeper appreciation for the present moment. This perspective allows us to live more fully and peacefully, recognizing that everything we have—whether it’s a person, a material possession, or a position in society—is a gift, not a permanent fixture in our lives. This realization fosters gratitude rather than fear and allows us to move through life with greater emotional resilience.
Embracing Change with Amor Fati
The Stoic concept of Amor Fati, which translates to “the love of fate,” is a powerful tool in overcoming jealousy. It teaches us not just to accept the inevitable changes in life, but to embrace them wholeheartedly. Amor Fati suggests that instead of resisting change or feeling resentment toward it, we should welcome it as a natural and necessary part of life’s flow. Every twist and turn, whether joyous or painful, is a part of the larger tapestry of existence.
In the context of jealousy, Amor Fati encourages us to embrace the possibility that the people and things we cherish may not always remain in our lives. Instead of clinging to them out of fear, we are called to love them for what they are, understanding that they are temporary. This means we don’t allow the fear of loss to overshadow our appreciation of what we have in the present.
Embracing Amor Fati requires a shift in mindset. It involves accepting that everything, including our relationships, possessions, and status, is part of a larger cosmic order that is beyond our control. When we resist change, we create suffering for ourselves. But when we embrace it, we allow life to unfold naturally, and we can find peace in every moment, regardless of what happens.
This mindset can be incredibly freeing when we feel jealousy creeping in. Rather than fearing the loss of something we love, we can view it as an inevitable part of life’s cycle. By loving fate, we relinquish the need to control every outcome and instead find peace in accepting whatever happens. Paradoxically, this acceptance often leads to more contentment in the things we do have, as we appreciate them without the pressure of expecting them to remain forever.
The Temporary Nature of Attachment
Epictetus’ teachings remind us that we never truly “own” anything, not even the people we love. Everything in our lives is temporary, and this includes the relationships and material possessions we often hold most dear. The Stoic approach to attachment is not about indifference or coldness; rather, it is about understanding that we are merely caretakers of the things in our lives. Whether it’s a partner, a family member, or a possession, we do not truly own these things, and they are not ours to control indefinitely.
The analogy that Epictetus uses—comparing life to a hotel we temporarily occupy—is a profound one. Just as we don’t expect to permanently stay in a hotel, we should not expect that our relationships, possessions, or social standing will remain unchanged forever. Instead of clinging to these things as though they are permanent, we should view them as temporary visitors in our lives. This perspective allows us to enjoy them without the burden of ownership or the anxiety of loss.
When we view everything in our lives as temporary, it becomes easier to release the grip of jealousy. Rather than holding tightly to a person or a possession, fearing its loss, we can appreciate its presence in the moment without attaching our happiness to it. This doesn’t mean we don’t value the people or things we care about, but it means we recognize that they are temporary and that we should not rely on them for our happiness. By accepting this, we free ourselves from the anxiety and fear that jealousy often brings.
Letting Go of Control
One of the fundamental teachings of Stoicism is the recognition that we cannot control everything. While we can control our thoughts, actions, and responses, the external world—other people’s behavior, the course of events, and the actions of nature—is beyond our influence. This is a crucial insight when it comes to jealousy, as jealousy often stems from the desire to control the uncontrollable.
Jealousy arises when we try to control the feelings or actions of others, whether it’s trying to secure the affection of a partner or maintain our position in a social group. We fear losing what we have, and in an attempt to avoid this loss, we may resort to controlling behaviors. But the Stoic approach teaches us that trying to control what is beyond our power is not only futile but also damaging to our emotional well-being.
Instead of focusing on external outcomes, Stoicism encourages us to turn our attention inward. By focusing on what we can control—our own thoughts, attitudes, and actions—we relieve ourselves of the anxiety and insecurity that come with trying to manipulate the world around us. When we stop trying to control the behavior of others or the circumstances of our lives, we find greater peace and acceptance. The more we let go of the need to control, the more we open ourselves to the natural flow of life, which includes both joy and loss.
In practical terms, this means acknowledging that we cannot prevent change, nor can we force others to act in a way that keeps us secure. Instead, we focus on living virtuously, cultivating wisdom, and responding to whatever happens with grace. This acceptance of our limited control frees us from the clutches of jealousy and allows us to live with greater emotional resilience.
Preferred Indifference: Finding Contentment in Virtue
In Stoic philosophy, all external things—relationships, possessions, social status—are considered “preferred indifferents.” This means that while they are nice to have and can contribute to a good life, they are not necessary for happiness. True happiness, according to the Stoics, comes from within. It is the result of living virtuously, of cultivating wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance in our daily lives.
Seneca captures this idea when he writes, “Virtue is free, inviolable, not to be moved, not to be shaken, and so hardened against misfortunes that she cannot be bent, let alone overcome by them.” Virtue is the foundation of a good life. It is the one thing that cannot be taken from us, regardless of external circumstances. By focusing on virtue, we move beyond the fear of losing external things, including the people we love. Virtue becomes the source of our happiness, and everything else is seen as secondary.
The Stoic practice of preferred indifference encourages us to enjoy the external things we have, but not to rely on them for our happiness. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or material wealth, these things are not essential for our well-being. By placing our focus on cultivating virtue, we shift our attention away from external outcomes and toward internal fulfillment. This doesn’t mean we discard our relationships or possessions, but it means we no longer tie our happiness to them. When we focus on living virtuously, we find contentment in the things that truly matter, and we are less susceptible to the emotional turbulence that jealousy often brings.
Shifting Focus: The Internal vs. The External
The Stoic approach to overcoming jealousy is rooted in a radical shift of focus—from the external world to the internal one. Instead of obsessing over the things we fear losing, we are encouraged to focus on what we can control: our thoughts, actions, and reactions. This shift in focus is essential for reducing jealousy because it frees us from the emotional rollercoaster of trying to control the uncontrollable.
By focusing on living in accordance with our values, we can find peace regardless of what happens around us. The people we love, the material possessions we cherish, and the social standing we strive for are all outside of our control. But our ability to act with wisdom, to respond with equanimity to the inevitable changes in life, is entirely within our control. When we shift our focus to this internal sphere, we free ourselves from the anxiety and fear that fuel jealousy.
In practical terms, this means living a life of virtue, being guided by wisdom, and acting with integrity. Instead of worrying about losing someone’s affection or status, we focus on being the best version of ourselves. This internal focus not only reduces jealousy but also leads to greater personal fulfillment. Ironically, when we stop focusing on the fear of loss, we often find that the things we value most remain with us, naturally and freely. By living in alignment with our internal values, we create the conditions for external things to flourish without the pressure of attachment.
Conclusion: Embrace the Present Moment
Jealousy is a natural response to the fear of losing something we hold dear. But by embracing the Stoic teachings of impermanence, Amor Fati, and the understanding that everything is temporary, we can alleviate the pain of jealousy. By focusing on living virtuously, detaching from external validation, and accepting the flow of life, we can cultivate a peaceful mind that is free from envy and insecurity. Ultimately, by applying Stoic principles, we transform jealousy from an emotion that controls us into one that we can understand, accept, and ultimately transcend.