In the quest for validation, many of us find ourselves trapped in a relentless cycle of seeking approval from others. This pursuit often drives us to great lengths—wearing uncomfortable clothes, adopting new habits, or altering our personalities—merely to earn a nod of approval. Yet, in doing so, we frequently compromise our authenticity and self-worth. As Epictetus wisely noted, when we direct our efforts toward impressing others, we risk derailing our true purpose in life. This article explores the futility of seeking external validation, the irony of admiring the imperfect, and the disconnect between approval and genuine serenity.
“If you should ever turn your will to things outside your control to impress someone, be sure that you have wrecked your whole purpose in life. Be content, then, to be a philosopher in all that you do, and if you wish also to be seen as one, show yourself first that you are, and you will succeed.”
—EPICTETUS, ENCHIRIDION, 23
The Futility of Seeking Approval
When examined closely, the lengths we go to impress others can often seem absurd. Consider the sacrifices we make—enduring discomfort in the name of fashion, modifying our eating habits to align with perceived trends, or altering our mannerisms to fit in with a certain social group. These actions, driven by the desire for external validation, can lead us to adopt a façade that bears little resemblance to our true selves.
This behavior reveals a profound insecurity. When we seek approval from others, we are essentially relinquishing control over our self-worth. Our sense of value becomes dependent on external factors rather than internal principles. This dependence can manifest in various ways, from spending excessive amounts of money on status symbols to adopting lifestyles that are not genuinely fulfilling.
The pursuit of approval often involves compromising personal authenticity. We may engage in activities or adopt beliefs that do not resonate with our true interests or values simply because we believe they will help us gain favor with others. This disconnect between our genuine selves and public personas can lead to internal conflict and dissatisfaction.
Moreover, this relentless quest for validation can trap us in a cycle of seeking and disappointment. We may achieve temporary satisfaction when we receive approval, but this feeling is often fleeting. As soon as the novelty wears off, the cycle begins anew. This ongoing search for validation diverts us from our authentic path and perpetuates a sense of emptiness that cannot be filled by external accolades alone.
In essence, the pursuit of approval often leads us away from genuine self-discovery and fulfillment. It reinforces a superficial approach to life that values appearance over substance, creating a false sense of self-worth that is highly vulnerable to external influences.
The Irony of Admiring the Imperfect
Marcus Aurelius’s observations about the pursuit of approval highlight a profound irony: the people whose opinions we value are often as flawed and easily distracted as we are. The individuals from whom we seek validation are frequently not paragons of virtue or wisdom but are themselves caught up in superficial and transient concerns.
This irony becomes evident when we consider the nature of the approval we seek. We often strive to impress people impressed by the latest trends, material possessions, or fleeting achievements. These individuals may be easily swayed by superficial qualities rather than deeper, more substantive attributes. Therefore, their opinions do not necessarily reflect true worth or value.
The pursuit of approval from such individuals can lead to disillusionment. As we invest time, energy, and resources into meeting their expectations, we may find their approval as superficial as their interests. This realization can be disheartening, as it exposes the futility of our efforts to gain validation from sources driven by trivial concerns.
Additionally, this irony reveals a deeper issue: by focusing on the approval of others, we often overlook the opportunity to cultivate our own virtues and principles. Instead of seeking validation from individuals who are themselves flawed and easily impressed, we should focus on developing our own character and values. This shift in perspective allows us to build a sense of self-worth that is not dependent on the fluctuating opinions of others but is grounded in our own principles and integrity.
The irony of seeking approval from the imperfect highlights the superficial nature of such pursuits. It underscores the importance of focusing on personal growth and authenticity rather than being swayed by the opinions of others who are themselves caught up in transient concerns.
The Disconnect Between Approval and Serenity
The pursuit of external approval is fundamentally at odds with the serenity that philosophical wisdom offers. Philosophy teaches that true contentment comes from within, derived from self-understanding and adherence to personal values. This inner peace is not dependent on the approval or validation of others but is instead based on living in alignment with one’s own principles.
In contrast, seeking approval from others often leads to a superficial existence. When our sense of self-worth is tied to external validation, we are constantly at the mercy of others’ opinions. This can create a sense of instability and insecurity as our self-esteem becomes contingent upon factors beyond our control.
Philosophical thinking encourages us to focus on what is within our control—our actions, thoughts, and responses—while accepting what is beyond our control. By adopting this mindset, we can achieve a sense of serenity that is not affected by the fluctuations of external validation. This approach allows us to navigate life with a sense of purpose and authenticity, free from the need for constant approval from others.
Furthermore, living by philosophical principles promotes a deeper sense of fulfillment. When we align our actions with our values and principles, we experience a sense of inner harmony that transcends the temporary satisfaction of external approval. This inner peace provides a more enduring source of contentment and stability, allowing us to face life’s challenges with a sense of calm and resilience.
In essence, the disconnect between seeking approval and achieving serenity highlights the limitations of external validation as a source of fulfillment. By focusing on internal growth and self-awareness, we can cultivate a sense of peace that is not dependent on the fluctuating opinions of others, leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Daily Stoic Meditation: Why do I care so much about impressing people?
Growing up, I never felt as if I fit in with people. I always felt like an outsider looking in on a group of people. I always felt as if the other people were somehow better than me. Such thoughts made me feel as if I needed to impress others and left me feeling self-conscious about my choices, likes, and dislikes.
I must confess I don’t know what it is like to be unapologetically myself. I always feel like I am putting on a charade or at least trying to impress someone. Some time ago, I realized that I never stopped wondering if the other person impressed me. I see my flaws and shortcomings but forget that others have flaws, too. They may be just as insecure about other things. They are also trying to put on a charade.
I care too much about what other people think. What should my first text be? What will I say over the phone? Would that cute girl respond positively if I approached her? Will they like my application or simply reject it? I let a thousand things interfere when I want to approach people for anything and end up not doing anything that needs to be done.
This happens because I am too invested in how others react to me. Whenever I approach someone, I have some agenda, even if it is only to make friends. Upon reflection, I realized that the best results I achieved in my interactions were when I didn’t care about the outcome of any particular interaction.
Conclusion
Pursuing external approval often leads us astray, as we expend significant energy trying to impress those flawed and easily distracted by superficial concerns. This relentless quest undermines our authenticity and keeps us from achieving the inner peace that comes from living in alignment with our values. We can attain a deeper, more enduring sense of contentment by shifting our focus from seeking approval to cultivating self-awareness and personal growth. Ultimately, true serenity lies not in the fleeting validation of others but in the steadfast alignment of our actions with our inner principles.
This article is a part of The Daily Stoic Meditations Series based on Ryan Holiday’s book.