Regarding communication, the deeper the connection, the more effortless the conversation. A mere eavesdrop on a conversation can reveal much about the relationship between two individuals. You don’t need to hear affectionate terms like “dear” or “mate,” nor do you need to understand the subject of their discussion. What matters is the underlying dynamics, which can be discerned simply by how they communicate. And no, it’s not about body language or tone of voice. The key to unlocking this understanding lies in how people progress through the stages of conversational intimacy.
Level One: Clichés
The initial stage of any interaction between strangers typically revolves around clichés. These safe, non-threatening phrases allow individuals to ease into a conversation without diving too deeply into personal or emotional territory. In the case of strangers, these exchanges often reflect a shared understanding of social norms but lack real substance. They provide a way for individuals to interact without revealing too much about themselves.
Take the weather, for example—a subject so universally neutral that it’s almost become a required conversational element in social interactions. “Nice weather today,” “It’s been hot lately,” or “Isn’t it raining a lot these days?” These are classic examples of the type of exchange at level one. There’s nothing particularly revealing in these statements. They’re simple observations, general enough to keep the conversation comfortable for both parties involved. This shared language of clichés helps set a framework for the conversation to move forward without either party needing to expose anything about their personalities or lives.
Beyond the weather, clichés can manifest in other areas—perhaps in greetings like “How’s it going?” or “What’s new?” Though polite and conventional, these questions don’t elicit much beyond surface-level responses. They keep the social dynamics easy. At this stage, the conversation is based on a fundamental form of pleasantry. It’s neutral, with no particular personal stakes involved.
Level Two: Facts
As two people continue interacting, the conversation naturally progresses to sharing facts. At this stage, people begin to reveal bits of information about themselves, albeit in a more structured and factual manner. The exchange shifts from pleasantries to more substantive topics but remains neutral and impersonal. This might include sharing information about work, mutual acquaintances, or recent events. The content is still not deeply personal, but it adds a layer of specificity that creates a sense of familiarity.
A conversation between acquaintances might look like this: “Did you know the new restaurant downtown has been getting great reviews?” or “I just found out we’re getting a new office manager.” The speakers move beyond generalities and dive into facts—news they’ve learned or events they’re aware of—but it still doesn’t involve any real emotional exchange. The individuals don’t reveal personal preferences or intimate details about their lives but are starting to share knowledge.
Even trivial facts, like the details of a new building project in town or a report on local sports, can signal a deeper connection between two people. These exchanges showcase that the individuals have more in common than their shared social space. They might discover they follow the same sports team or live in the same neighborhood. Facts help solidify the foundation of a relationship. While this level still doesn’t delve into personal emotions, it lays the groundwork for a more genuine connection. It’s the step that moves people beyond simple politeness toward a budding familiarity.
Level Three: Feelings and Personal Questions
At this point, the conversational dynamic deepens as the individuals explore each other’s personal feelings and more intimate aspects of their lives. While facts still play a role, the focus shifts towards each person’s subjective experiences. Instead of merely sharing information, they open up about how they feel or think about a certain issue. This is where emotional vulnerability enters the conversation.
For example, in response to the previously mentioned discussion about the weather, one might say, “I love these sunny days. They make me feel so energized and happy,” or “Honestly, the heat is a bit overwhelming. I prefer cooler weather.” These comments aren’t just factual—they reflect personal feelings about the external environment. The speakers share a bit of themselves, revealing their emotional responses to the world around them. This is the beginning of the true emotional connection.
At this stage, personal questions begin to appear. The dialogue moves beyond facts about shared interests and into curiosity about each other’s deeper preferences and desires. “How do you feel about the weather? Do you enjoy the heat, or do you prefer cooler days?” becomes a question that invites the other person to share more than just facts. The response will reveal a preference and insights into the person’s personality and what they value in their environment.
This level of communication begins to form the basis of real friendship or a deeper connection. It shows that the individuals are starting to care more about each other’s feelings and perspectives, which is a natural progression in any developing relationship. It marks the moment when the conversation becomes more than a transactional exchange of information—it’s now an exploration of who the other person is, emotionally and personally. The conversation is evolving into something more meaningful, where both people begin to understand each other beyond surface-level interactions.
Level Four: We Statements
At the highest level of conversational intimacy, people use “we” and “us” statements, signaling a complete shift in their relationship. The conversation is no longer about individuals speaking in isolation; it is about the two individuals as a collective unit. This is when the real magic of rapport-building happens, and the connection becomes stronger and more profound.
At this level, you might hear phrases like, “If we keep having days like this, it’s going to be the best summer ever,” or “I’m hoping we can plan a weekend getaway when the weather’s like this.” Using “we” and “us” instantly creates a shared experience. It communicates that the two speakers are now emotionally and cognitively aligned on the same wavelength. This level of connection suggests a sense of partnership, whether a friendship or something more intimate. It’s no longer about individual perspectives or experiences; it’s about what the two can share and how they can experience things as a unit.
This kind of language elevates the relationship because it demonstrates that both individuals see each other as part of a larger shared experience. It fosters a sense of togetherness and belonging, a feeling that’s hard to achieve in earlier stages of conversation. When two people use “we” and “us,” they signal that they have transcended individual identities and are now creating something collective—a bond, a shared experience, a future together.
This linguistic shift also has psychological power. It’s subtle, but collective language makes everyone feel part of something larger. It erases the boundaries between “you” and “me” and replaces them with “us.” This is a potent way to strengthen emotional connections and foster deeper relationships. It is the language of intimacy and alliance, where each person sees the other not just as a person they’re talking to but as someone they are involved with in a shared journey.
The Power of the “Premature We”
You can create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. You can scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. You can also elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.
FaA fascinating. The progression of conversation unfolds as people get closer. Here’s how it develops:
Technique #49 – The Premature WE
- Level One: Clichés
- Level Two: Facts
- Level Three: Feelings and Personal Questions
- Level Four: We Statements
Here’s the secret weapon to speeding up the connection process: the “Premature We.” This technique involves skipping the first two levels—clichés and facts—and diving straight into levels three and four. Using “we” prematurely creates an immediate sense of intimacy, even with someone you’ve just met.
Imagine being at a social gathering and talking to a stranger. Instead of saying, “Do you like the food here?” or “What do you think of this event?” you could say, “I’m enjoying this event. I think we’re going to have a great time here.” By using “we” right away, you bypass the usual awkwardness and position yourself as someone already in sync with the other person. It makes them feel like they’re not just talking to you but sharing an experience with you.
This technique works by creating the illusion of a deeper connection. Using “we,” you immediately suggest that you are part of the same group and aligned in your thoughts and feelings. This is particularly effective when you must form rapport quickly, such as when meeting new people at social gatherings, engaging with clients or customers, or even starting a new romantic relationship. It’s a simple linguistic trick that taps into the psychological desire for connection and creates an instant bond.
The power of the “Premature We” comes from its ability to signal that you and the other person are already on the same team. It removes the separation in a typical exchange between strangers and replaces it with a shared sense of purpose and belonging. This makes it easier for the other person to feel comfortable, relaxed, and open to further engagement.
How “We” Creates Connection
The word “we” is not just a grammatical tool—it’s a connection tool. It has the unique ability to make two individuals feel like they are part of the same team, facing the world together. This linguistic shift from “I” and “you” to “we” creates a psychological sense of solidarity. It breaks down the walls in new relationships and fosters unity.
Using “we” also signals that both individuals operate from a place of mutual understanding and shared experiences. It suggests that they are not isolated in their perspectives but are instead coming together to experience the world as one. This connection is powerful because it doesn’t just bring two people closer in conversation—it shifts the entire interaction dynamic.
In social psychology, we understand that humans crave connection. We seek shared experiences and values because they make us feel less alone. “We” taps into this fundamental human need. It’s the language of togetherness, creating a bond that is hard to break. Using “we,” you demonstrate that you are on the same side, aligned in your goals and perspectives, and part of something bigger than your own.
A History, Even Without One
One of the most powerful ways to deepen a connection is to create the illusion of a shared history. By using language that suggests familiarity, you can make the other person feel as if you have been part of each other’s lives for much longer than you have.
For example, instead of saying, “I just met you, but I think we’ll get along,” you might say, “I can’t believe we’ve been talking about this for so long. It feels like we’ve known each other for ages.” This small linguistic shift signals that you have a history, even if you don’t. It subconsciously suggests that you’ve been part of each other’s lives for a long time, creating a sense of intimacy that would otherwise take much longer to build.
This technique makes the relationship feel more established, comfortable, and familiar. It creates a sense of continuity and connection that helps both parties feel like they are not starting from scratch. This psychological trick is incredibly effective in building trust and rapport, particularly in new relationships where time is of the essence.
Using phrases that imply shared history taps into our innate desire for belonging. It makes us feel part of something existing, even if that connection has only begun. This creates a bond that goes beyond the transactional level of conversation and fosters a deeper emotional connection.
Conclusion
Building rapport quickly and creating a sense of intimacy doesn’t require years of shared history. With thoughtful words and a shift in how you speak, you can make a new acquaintance feel like they’ve known you for a long time. The “Premature We” is a simple yet powerful tool for instant closeness, whether in business, romance, or casual social interactions. It’s a linguistic shortcut that turns the ordinary into something extraordinary. So next time you want to form a deeper connection, remember: it’s all about “we.”
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.