The experience of not belonging is a facet of human existence that can take on many forms. It may entail not fitting in with popular groups during school, not adhering to a particular religious community, being seen as an outsider in your hometown, or even facing rejection from your family. These feelings of not belonging can be painful and lonely, often leading to a profound disconnect from others. In a world where the benefits of belonging to an in-group are readily apparent, the value of not belonging can sometimes be overlooked. In this article, we will explore three priceless benefits of not belonging and how they contribute to individual freedom, love, and self-actualization.
1) Ultimate Freedom
Belonging to a group often comes with its rules, norms, and expectations. These guidelines can shape how we think and speak and dictate our physical actions and choices. For instance, some groups may restrict access to certain places, buildings, or even entire countries based on their membership criteria. Others may impose dietary restrictions that align with the group’s ideology, regardless of whether these restrictions are grounded in logic and reason.
As the French-Algerian philosopher Albert Camus astutely observed, “Every ideology is contrary to human psychology.” Consequently, adhering to a group’s ideology may lead individuals to compromise their values and principles. While many group-prescribed behaviors and beliefs may be beneficial, not belonging to a group grants us the ultimate freedom to live on our own terms. It allows us to choose how we want to look, dress, associate with, love, think, and speak.
This ideological independence means that a group’s narrative or expectations do not encumber us. It liberates us to be true to ourselves and make choices that align with our values. In essence, not belonging provides the profound freedom to be an authentic, ideologically independent thinker.
Paradoxically, this newfound freedom also enables us to associate with and be part of a group of our preference. Without the constraints of ideological conformity, we can form relationships and connections based on genuine compatibility and shared values.
2) Less In-Group Preference, More Universal Love
In Buddhism, there is a practice known as Metta, which translates to “loving-kindness.” This form of loving-kindness is not selective but embodies a universal love for all sentient beings. In contrast, many groups exhibit in-group preference, harboring deep affection for their members while displaying hostility towards those who do not belong.
In-group preference can provide comfort and support for individuals within the group, but it becomes problematic for those outside it. Conditional love characterizes in-group preference because if someone were to leave or attempt to join a different group, the love they received as a member no longer applies to them.
Consider what happens when someone tries to convert to a different religion, switch allegiance to another street gang, or befriend a different social circle. The love and acceptance they once enjoyed from their original group are often replaced with rejection and hostility.
However, when one does not belong to a particular group in the first place, they are free from the constraints of in-group preference. This freedom allows individuals to distribute their love and compassion to whomever they choose. From this vantage point, it becomes possible to develop compassion for all of humanity or, as Buddhists do, for all sentient beings.
As the Buddhist teaching goes: “Just as a mother at the risk of life loves and protects her child, her only child, so one should cultivate this boundless love to all that live in the whole universe—extending from a consciousness sublime upwards and downwards and across the world, untroubled, free from hate and enmity.”
3) Self-Actualization Above Conformity
Pursuing belonging often involves conformity to the group’s norms, values, and hierarchy. This conformity can be energy-intensive as it requires individuals to align with the collective perception of what is “normal.” Albert Camus aptly noted, “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
While human beings undoubtedly require social connection to some extent, it is worth considering whether conformity should always be the default pursuit. Instead of channeling our energy into belonging to a specific group, we can redirect it toward self-actualization and personal development. By choosing self-actualization over conformity, individuals can become more authentic to themselves.
Although nonconformity may lead to a sense of not belonging within the herd, it conserves a significant amount of energy. This energy can be invested in self-discovery, personal growth, and exploring one’s unique identity.
It is important to note that not belonging does not necessarily equate to social isolation. It signifies the choice to prioritize self-actualization over blind conformity. In this way, the benefits of not belonging are manifold, offering ultimate freedom, the potential for universal love, and the opportunity for self-actualization above conformity.
In conclusion, the priceless benefits of not belonging illuminate the path to individuality, autonomy, and authenticity. While belonging to a group undoubtedly has its merits, embracing the experience of not belonging can open doors to a world where personal freedom, unconditional love, and self-actualization flourish. Despite its challenges, the delight of not belonging remains a treasure worth cherishing.