Do you remember when you were a child, and at almost every gathering, an adult would ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” That question was the perfect opportunity to indulge in dreams of greatness—dreams that often felt as vivid as they were distant. You might have answered with the aspirations of a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, or a movie star. Yet, as we grew older, we learned that life’s paths don’t always align with those childhood fantasies. Instead of the grandeur we once envisioned, many navigate the humble realms of the “butcher, baker, or candlestick maker.” Despite this, there remains a deep-seated longing within us for recognition, validation, and perhaps, even a touch of the extraordinary.
We all still believe that we are special—whether the world acknowledges it or not. We think, “Maybe the world won’t remember how brilliant, creative, or caring I truly am, but those who truly know me—who understand my essence—will see my greatness.” This craving for recognition is potent. When someone we trust sees through the surface and acknowledges our deepest qualities, we become addicted to their approval, constantly seeking more of that heady drug.
But how do we effectively express this appreciation, especially to those we care about most? How do we show them we see their true selves beyond the mundane? Enter “The Tombstone Game,” a deceptively simple yet profound technique for communicating love and appreciation in a way that resonates deeply with the recipient.
Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstones. Chisel the information into your memory, but don’t mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say “I appreciate you” or “I love you,” fill in the blanks with the words they gave you weeks earlier.
You take people’s breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment. “At last,” they say to themselves, “someone who loves me for who I truly am.”
Technique #59 – The Tombstone Game
Step One: Planting the Seed of Reflection
The first step in The Tombstone Game is to choose a setting—a moment when the person you’re talking to is open to a deeper, more personal conversation. This could happen over dinner, during a quiet evening walk, or while unwinding after a long day. The key is setting the stage for a relaxed and natural conversation that allows for a vulnerable exchange.
Start by subtly introducing the topic. Although the idea of tombstones might seem grim, framing it in a light, curious way will engage the person’s attention. For example, you could casually say, “I was reading something interesting the other day—about tombstones!” This introduction may catch the other person off guard, but it will immediately spark their curiosity. The initial mention is meant to intrigue them without making them feel uncomfortable.
From there, you can add, “It was an article about what people imagine will be engraved on their gravestones after they’re gone.” This immediately opens up a doorway for a deeper conversation about life, legacy, and identity. You’re not morbidly discussing death; instead, you’re presenting it as a way to reflect on how one’s life is remembered. This sets the tone for a more meaningful discussion about personal values.
Continue by explaining why people care about what’s on their tombstones. You could say, “The article explained how people fantasize about having their most defining trait carved into stone. It’s fascinating to see what they value most about themselves.” Mention that these inscriptions can vary greatly from person to person—showing how everyone views their legacy differently.
For example, you could share some fictional epitaphs that highlight various personal traits:
- “Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.”
- “Here lies Diane Smith. She was a kind and caring woman.”
- “Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh.”
- “Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.”
- “Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.”
These examples are meant to spark curiosity about what qualities people consider most important in their lives. They also offer insight into how these traits shape people’s self-perceptions. These epitaphs represent something deeply personal—intelligence, kindness, humor, joy, independence—and how people might wish to be remembered.
The goal is not to dive deep into the subject immediately but to open a space for reflection. You are allowing them to consider what makes them feel special and unique. It’s an invitation to begin thinking about how they would want to be remembered when they’re gone, laying the groundwork for the next phase of the conversation.
Step Two: Share Your Vision
Once the topic has been introduced and the conversation has begun to flow, it’s time to share your reflection on what you want your tombstone to say. This is a crucial part of The Tombstone Game because it encourages others to share their values while revealing a vulnerable part of themselves. By sharing your desires, you set a tone of honesty and authenticity, creating an environment where the other person feels comfortable doing the same.
Be sincere when sharing your wish for your epitaph. This is not a time to be humorous or overly dramatic—it’s a time to speak from the heart. You might say, “If I had to pick something, I’d like it to say, ‘Here lies [Your Name]. They were always there for their friends,’ or maybe, ‘Here lies [Your Name]. They made the world a little brighter every day.'” The choice of what you’d want on your tombstone reveals something intimate about your values. Are you someone who prioritizes relationships? Do you value making a difference in others’ lives? You’d like to be remembered for these qualities, and sharing them invites a deeper conversation about the same topic with the other person.
Being open about what matters most to you gives the other person the chance to think about their values. This vulnerability fosters connection. By offering something personal, you encourage the same level of transparency. It shows that the conversation is a safe space for self-reflection, and the intention is to understand one another deeper, beyond surface-level pleasantries.
This exchange is also a subtle way to show your partner or loved one you respect and care about what’s important to them. When you reveal something as personal as your epitaph, you share a part of yourself that’s often reserved for those you trust the most. This step helps build intimacy and connection, laying the groundwork for the pivotal question.
Step Three: The Big Question
Now that you’ve shared your vision for your epitaph, it’s time to turn the focus to the other person. This is the game’s most critical moment, where you ask the big question that will reveal the qualities they value most about themselves. You must ask this question with care and attention, as it’s not a casual inquiry—it’s an invitation for the other person to reflect on their own life and identity.
You can say, “So, I’ve shared what I would want on my tombstone. Now, I’m curious—what about you? What would you want people to remember about you when everything is said and done? What would you want them to see carved on your tombstone?” This is when you invite them to reveal their deepest values and the parts of themselves they most want to be remembered for.
Asking this question gives them the space to express what they feel is their greatest strength, what they value in themselves, or how they wish to be remembered. Perhaps your business partner, Joe, says, “I guess I’d want people to know that I’m a man of my word.” If he shares something like this, you’ll want to listen closely to the nuances of his response. Please pay attention to how he emphasizes certain words or how much emotion is behind his answer. Is it something he takes great pride in? Does he want this particular trait to define him in the eyes of others?
You must listen intently and absorb the details of what they say. The answers to this question are deeply personal, revealing how people perceive themselves. You may learn something about them that you never knew before—whether it’s their sense of integrity, kindness, creativity, or desire to make a meaningful impact on the world. Taking note of these insights will help you craft a compliment in the final step that is truly meaningful to them.
This step is also important because it reinforces the message that you care about them on a deeper level. By asking such a thoughtful and introspective question, you’re showing that you want to understand them beyond their outward persona. You want to know what drives them and what matters most in their life.
Step Four: The Power of the Compliment
The Tombstone Game’s final and most powerful step occurs a few weeks after the initial conversation. This waiting period is crucial because it allows the person’s words to settle and integrate into their self-perception. Giving a compliment that reflects their values—something they’ve shared with you—will have a much greater impact.
After a few weeks, find a moment when the time feels right to bring up the conversation again. Perhaps you’re having a casual conversation or perhaps a more serious one. When the moment feels appropriate, bring up their self-image, but in the form of a compliment. For example, if Joe had told you he values being a person of his word, you could say, “You know, Joe, one of the things I appreciate about working with you is that you’re a man of your word. You stand by your promises, and I admire that.”
This compliment will resonate with Joe because it reflects the qualities he values most about himself. It acknowledges him for who he truly believes he is, not just for what he does. By offering this reflection of his identity, you show him that you’ve been listening carefully and understand and appreciate his core.
The impact of this compliment is profound because it’s not just a general statement. It’s a recognition of his deepest pride. When Joe hears this, he may feel a sense of validation unparalleled by any other compliment. It’s a moment where he feels truly seen—not for his achievements, but his essence. This compliment strengthens relationships, deepens trust, and solidifies your bond.
Tailoring the Compliment to the Individual
What makes The Tombstone Game so powerful is that the compliments you give are not one-size-fits-all. Each person has a sense of pride and identity that they hold dear. Your compliment should always be tailored to the specific traits they’ve shared with you.
For example, if your friend Billy values his sense of humor and wants to be remembered for making people laugh, a compliment like, “Billy, you’re one of my favorite people because you always know how to make me laugh. You have a real gift,” would be deeply impactful. It’s specific and personal and taps into something Billy truly values.
Similarly, if your partner Jane prides herself on spreading joy wherever she goes, you might say, “Jane, I love you because you bring so much happiness to everyone around you.” This compliment speaks directly to her sense of self and her value in making others feel good. It is more meaningful than saying, “You’re great” or “You make me happy.” It shows that you appreciate her for who she truly is.
Tailoring the compliment to the individual makes it more authentic and meaningful. The person receiving the compliment will feel that it’s not just generic praise but a reflection of what matters most to them. This makes The Tombstone Game so powerful—it’s about deep recognition, and that recognition is uniquely fitted to each person’s self-image.
The Unparalleled Impact of a Tombstone Game Compliment
The compliments in The Tombstone Game are not interchangeable. They are personalized and specific, reflecting the unique identity of the person receiving them. This is why these compliments are so powerful—they speak directly to the core of who someone is and acknowledge the traits they value most.
When offering a Tombstone Game compliment, you provide more than flattery. You offer a moment of validati, n—where the person feels truly seen, understood, and appreciated for the person they believe themselves to be. This is a rare and deeply meaningful form of recognition.
When someone hears a compliment that matches their self-image so closely, it creates a powerful sense of connection. They don’t just hear the words—they feel the weight of the compliment because they know that the compliment comes from a place of deep understanding. It’s the ultimate form of appreciation, and it can transform relationships, strengthen bonds, and build lasting trust.
By playing The Tombstone Game, you’re offering people something far more valuable than just a fleeting compliment. You’re giving them the gift of true recognition, and in doing so, you’re building a relationship based on mutual understanding, respect, and love.
Conclusion: The Gift of True Recognition
In a world that often feels preoccupied with fleeting moments and superficial praise, The Tombstone Game offers a refreshing and profoundly human way to connect with the people who matter most in our lives. By truly listening to their self-image and reflecting it to them as a compliment, you offer something more valuable than praise—you offer recognition of their deepest self.
And in that recognition, we all find a little piece of immortality, a moment when we feel seen, understood, and valued for the people we are at our core.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.