In social interactions, one of the first things we often want to know about someone is their profession. The typical question, “What do you do?” feels almost automatic. However, asking this simple query can sometimes evoke discomfort or even judgments. It might seem like a straightforward question, but it can reveal a lot more than you expect—and not always in a positive way. So, how can you avoid this awkwardness while still satisfying your curiosity? The answer is deceptively simple: change the question.
The Subtlety of “What Do You Do?”
When we first meet someone, it’s almost automatic to ask, “What do you do?” It’s the social icebreaker, the question that fills the blank space in conversations. On the surface, it’s harmless. However, the subtext of this question can be anything but. The reality is that when we ask, “What do you do?” we are immediately judging the other person based on their job title and, by extension, their perceived social value. This seemingly innocent query carries a subtle but powerful message about how society views success and status.
At its core, “What do you do?” is a question that reduces people to their professional identities. For example, a person might work at a non-profit organization or be involved in volunteer work, and they might not feel that their occupation defines their worth. Yet, when asked this question, they are inevitably forced to define themselves by what they do to earn money. This reduces their full identity—one that could be rich with personal passions, talents, and life experiences—into something as transactional as a job title.
In social interactions, these subtle judgments can be uncomfortable. Take the case of a highly educated person who has chosen a less traditional career path or is between jobs. When asked, “What do you do?” this question puts them in a position where they may feel inadequate or as though they have to justify their choices. The question becomes less about learning more about them and more about creating an instant comparison between their job title and that of others. This implicit evaluation separates people into categories—those with high-status jobs and those without.
For many, the discomfort isn’t just about their job itself, but rather the sense that their job defines their place in society. Society often attaches great importance to one’s profession as a success marker, leading to an ongoing cycle where people feel the need to outdo each other professionally to fit in or gain respect. Thus, when you ask someone, “What do you do?” you risk unwittingly reinforcing this societal expectation rather than allowing them to define their sense of worth.
The Trouble with “What Do You Do?”
The question “What do you do?” can cause many problems. First, for those unemployed or between jobs, it can be a painful reminder of their current situation. Unemployment is already a stressful and emotionally taxing experience, and being asked, “What do you do?” only highlights the gap in their professional lives. Even though being between jobs is an entirely normal and often temporary phase, explaining that they are currently unemployed can bring about unnecessary feelings of inadequacy or shame.
Additionally, people who have chosen non-traditional career paths or jobs that need to be more appreciated or understood may feel uncomfortable answering the question. For example, someone working as a mortician, tax collector, or even in law enforcement may feel stigmatized by their occupation. These roles, while important, often carry negative connotations or are associated with undesirable aspects of society. The discomfort comes not from the job itself but from the awkwardness of discussing it in social situations where the conversation is expected to revolve around more “palatable” professions like medicine, law, or finance.
This discomfort is also particularly pronounced among stay-at-home parents and women. Despite their enormous contributions to the family unit, their work at home is still undervalued in many circles. When asked, “What do you do?” a mother who stays home may feel belittled or dismissed. There’s an automatic assumption that staying home to raise children is somehow less important or less legitimate than a career in the corporate world. The question inadvertently marginalizes the critical work of caregiving, even though it is fundamental to the well-being of families and society.
Even among those who are employed and have fulfilling careers, there are still sensitivities. Take, for example, a person who works in a high-stress, highly specialized job. Perhaps they’re a surgeon or attorney involved in intense cases. These professionals might not want to discuss their work because it’s emotionally taxing or because they want to be recognized for their personality, not just their career. The “What do you do?” question forces them to define themselves by their job, even if they’d prefer a deeper, more multifaceted conversation. This question implicitly suggests that work is the most significant part of their identity, sidelining the other aspects of who they are.
The Big Cats’ Approach
Big cats, or those individuals who are masters at navigating social situations, understand that true connection comes not from asking about a person’s job but from engaging with them. Big cats understand that people are far more than their professional identities and approach others with this understanding. By choosing not to ask, “What do you do? They avoid the implicit judgment that comes with that question. Instead, they focus on deeper aspects of the person.
The big cats know that identity is multifaceted, and they respect the complexity of a person’s life beyond their profession. By refusing to ask about someone’s job, they send a message that they are not interested in reducing that person to a label or a title. They approach each conversation with a level of sophistication that allows people to express themselves more freely. People, in turn, are more likely to open up and share what truly matters to them—whether it’s their personal passions, values, or life experiences.
For example, consider an individual at a high-society gathering where status and wealth often dominate conversations. The big cats at this event will not ask the typical “What do you do?” because they know such a question would imply a value judgment based on the person’s financial standing. Instead, by refraining from asking about someone’s job, they establish a more level playing field where everyone can converse without feeling the need to perform or compete.
Additionally, the big cats’ avoidance of this question signals emotional intelligence and empathy. They understand that a person’s worth isn’t confined to what they do to earn a living. This approach invites people to define their worth on their terms without feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations.
The Right Way to Find Out What Someone Does
A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)
So, how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . .of . . . your . . . time?”
Technique #24 – What Do You Do—NOT!
So, if asking, “What do you do?” is off-limits, how can you determine what someone does for a living? The solution is surprisingly simple. Instead of directly inquiring about their job, ask, “How do you spend most of your time?” This question takes the focus off work and invites a broader, more open conversation. It gives the other person the freedom to share whatever aspect of their life they feel is most important, whether it’s their professional endeavors, personal interests, or passions.
Asking someone how they spend their time is an open-ended and non-judgmental way to learn about them. It doesn’t force them to explain their employment status if they don’t want to, nor does it presume that their job defines them. This shift in questioning is key to creating a more relaxed and authentic conversation. The person can choose to talk about their career, but they’re not obligated to do so. This flexibility also allows them to highlight other aspects of their life, such as hobbies, travel, or family life, which might otherwise go unexplored.
Moreover, this question respects the fact that people are multidimensional. Only some people spend the majority of their time working. Some are involved in volunteer work, creative projects, or even have a side hustle. By asking how someone spends their time, you’re acknowledging the full spectrum of their life and interests, not just their professional life. It shows that you value them as a whole person, not just as a cog in the workforce machine.
Even for those passionate about their work, the question’s phrasing allows them to discuss it without feeling like a forced conversation about status or competition. If they choose to share their careers, they can do so enthusiastically without feeling like they are being judged based on their titles. If they are workaholics, they might volunteer information about their jobs, but in a way that feels more conversational rather than like a competition to see who works hardest.
The Benefits of the Right Question
The benefits of asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” are numerous and subtle. First, it creates a more comfortable environment for conversation. When people feel they are not being judged or reduced to their job title, they are more likely to engage in a deeper, more meaningful conversation. This approach promotes inclusivity and makes it easier for people to share parts of their lives that might not fit into the traditional work-based framework.
Secondly, this question allows for more diverse conversations. People can talk about their passions, personal development, or the volunteer work they engage in. It allows individuals to showcase different aspects of their lives that might go unnoticed. It invites stories about what truly matters to them, fostering connections based on shared values, interests, and experiences rather than professional achievements.
For those between jobs or in non-traditional roles, asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” is a far more gracious approach. It removes the stigma attached to unemployment or underemployment. It allows them to focus on other aspects of their life, such as the personal projects they’re working on, the skills they’re developing, or the time they spend with their family. This question doesn’t make them feel they must justify themselves or explain their employment status.
Finally, asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” positions you as a person of emotional intelligence and depth. You’re signaling that you value the person for who they are, not just for their job. This approach elevates the conversation and fosters genuine relationships based on understanding, respect, and shared humanity. It demonstrates maturity and social acumen that sets you apart from those who rely on shallow questions to define others. By simply changing the way you ask, you open the door to far richer and more fulfilling conversations.
The Final Word: Striking the Balance
To truly master the art of social interaction, it’s essential to go beyond surface-level questions and dive into conversations that celebrate a person’s fullness. By avoiding the question, “What do you do?” and instead asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” you show that you are interested in the whole person, not just their job. You signal sophistication, respect, and understanding of what makes people unique. This subtle shift in how you approach others can deepen your connections and lead to richer, more fulfilling conversations. So the next time you wonder what someone does for a living, try this clever approach. You might just discover more about them than you ever expected.
This article is part of the How to Talk to Anyone Series based on Leil Lowndes’ book.