The Dark Side of Romance: Is Love Worth It?
Is love the ultimate key to happiness? That’s what our current societal narratives often tell us. Romantic love is heralded as the pinnacle of human achievement, the highest goal one can aspire to. It’s the very essence of countless books, poetry, music, and films. We’re taught to believe that, beyond all else life has to offer, a romantic relationship will provide us with an enduring love that leads to a happily-ever-after existence, washing away all our sorrows.
But, regrettably, in the vast majority of cases, the reality of romantic love falls far short of these idealized expectations. It’s not the enduring source of happiness we’ve been promised; it doesn’t provide answers to our unhappiness and loneliness. In fact, some argue that falling in love, despite its initial euphoria, does more harm than good. The rollercoaster of uncontrollable emotions, swinging from extreme joy and passion to numbing agony, can wreak havoc on both our mental and physical well-being.
Scientific evidence supports the notion that falling in love can be detrimental. Surprisingly, even Buddhism, a tradition that cherishes the pursuit of happiness, views romantic love as an obstacle to true contentment. This contradiction highlights a vital question: is love worth it? This article explores the darker side of romance, examining why, perhaps, it’s worth considering avoiding the journey of falling in love.
Romantic Love: The Addictive Euphoria
When we fall in love, the world takes on a different hue. People we may not have liked before suddenly seem more likable, and jobs that once felt mundane don’t appear as dreadful. The sky appears more beautiful, colors are more vivid, and many of our problems and worries simply melt away like snow in the sun. Falling in love is like chasing a fleeting high, an experience that seems to outshine all others, abruptly revealing their insignificance.
It’s as if our previous life was in disarray, and everything is now falling into place, our once-pale existence suddenly bursting with color, and our emptiness transformed into fullness. Love becomes an ethereal and mystical phenomenon, a subject that has inspired countless poems, love stories, songs, operas, plays, films, and television series throughout history.
British philosopher Bertrand Russell aptly described the intensity of romantic love: “I believe myself that romantic love is the source of the most intense delights that life has to offer. In the relation of a man and woman who love each other with passion, imagination, and tenderness, there is something of inestimable value, to be ignorant of which is a great misfortune to any human being.”
This intensity is, in part, the result of our brains releasing chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which are associated with emotions like lust, excitement, euphoria, and attachment, all of which play a role in attraction and bonding. It’s worth noting that some scientists even compare falling in love to using intoxicants like drugs.
Biological anthropologist and senior researcher Dr. Helen Fisher goes so far as to suggest that romantic love is akin to cocaine. Her article in the science magazine Nautilus bears the subtitle, “From ecstasy to withdrawal, the lover resembles an addict.” She backs this claim with brain scans, which reveal that the same regions in the brain are activated when in love as when using drugs. The lover’s behavioral patterns even mirror those of an addict. This shared behavior includes intensification, an inclination to interact with the beloved more and more, and intrusive thinking, which is fundamental to drug dependence.
In essence, love is like a drug – addictive. Just as drug addicts crave their next fix, those in love yearn for the presence of their beloved. Failure to receive this love can result in withdrawal symptoms comparable to those experienced by substance addicts.
To “recover” from the addiction of love, individuals must go through a period of abstinence to weaken their attachments to the person they crave. This unique aspect of love is one of the many reasons skeptics argue it may be worth considering avoiding romantic entanglements altogether.
Love Goggles: The Distortion of Reality
Falling in love is akin to becoming infatuated with the person of your affection. It’s like donning a pair of “love goggles” or “rose-tinted glasses” through which the person you adore appears immeasurably more beautiful and desirable than they might objectively be.
This phenomenon, known as “Love Goggle Syndrome,” can lead to a significant blind spot when it comes to recognizing the flaws of the one you’re captivated by. People who are in love may overlook significant flaws or character traits that are harmful to their well-being. Consequently, they might find themselves falling for abusive individuals, narcissists, or even psychopaths – individuals who are unlikely to have their best interests at heart.
In the throes of romantic love, it’s not uncommon for individuals to consider their beloved as “the one.” However, logically, the concept of a single soulmate or “the one” is questionable. There are likely countless other individuals who could be a better match than the person you’re currently with.
Still , when we’re in love, we tend to perceive a completely ordinary human being as ‘special’ and uniquely suited to be with us. Love takes on an almost sacred quality, transcending mere biology and becoming something that’s “meant to be.”
This distortion caused by love goggles doesn’t only affect our perceptions; it can also lead to risky and irrational decision-making. In our pursuit to appear more desirable to our beloved, we might resort to deception, casting aside our values and boundaries, and engaging in behaviors that we would typically never consider.
In some extreme cases, individuals may fall in love while already committed in a marriage or relationship, and the intensity of this newfound love might lead them to risk their current relationship by engaging in infidelity. The obstacles and potential deal-breakers that typically loom large in a rational mindset, such as financial disparities, cultural differences, religion, the desire to have children (or not), psychological issues, or physical distance, become mere hurdles to overcome when viewed through the distorted lens of love.
To further complicate matters, lovers often experience changes in their priorities and daily habits to accommodate their beloved. They might go to great lengths to stay in contact with or impress their special someone. This can lead to deception, the suppression of one’s true self, and behavior that one would never consider under ordinary circumstances.
Love’s power to blur the lines of rationality and lead to actions one might later regret can’t be overstated. In the most extreme cases, the fear of losing one’s beloved can provoke behaviors we might deem as irrational, crazy, and even dangerous. Some individuals might resort to stalking, causing public scenes, or even becoming violent.
Love, it seems, has the astonishing ability to turn a sane and intelligent person into someone who acts irrationally and recklessly. In the face of powerful biological impulses, we become slaves to our emotions. Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer aptly noted, “Directly after copulation, the Devil’s laughter is heard,” referring to the sudden clarity that follows the climax of sexual desire, wherein the subject of our passion, once seen as divine, appears disappointingly human.
When we eventually remove our love goggles, we gain a sober perspective on the sometimes delusional nature of our behavior during the throes of romance. We might look back at a past lover and wonder, “How on Earth did I ever fall for that person?” Our infatuation blinds us to the flaws that later become glaringly obvious.
The Agony of Romantic Love
For every high, there is a corresponding low. This fundamental rule of nature is in no way exempt when it comes to romantic love. The intense and enjoyable experience of falling in love is inevitably paired with an equally intense and painful flipside.
It’s no wonder that romance and suffering often go hand in hand. Songs, poems, and stories about “heartbreak” abound, illustrating that pain is an inherent part of the romantic journey. Broken hearts have led to periods of deep sadness, depression, intense weeping, and, in the most extreme cases, even suicide and murder.
The essence of romantic love lies in its beautiful beginnings, yet these are often followed by sadness and seemingly insurmountable challenges. As author and historian Anita Brookner eloquently put it, “The essence of romantic love is that wonderful beginning, after which sadness and impossibility may become the rule.”
The suffering associated with love finds its roots in what Buddhists believe to be the “root of all suffering”: attachment. When we become attached to someone or something, we perceive that attachment as a condition for our happiness, which inevitably leads to problems. It’s attachment that fuels our yearning, and its corollary, the fear of losing the object of our attachment, leads to immense suffering.
Buddhist monk Ajahn Sona stresses the inextricable connection between romantic relationships and attachment, explaining that the two are inseparable. In his view, being in a romantic relationship inherently involves emotional attachment. He highlights the inherent pain in this attachment by stating that when one person in the relationship wants to leave while the other wishes to stay, someone is destined to suffer, creating a scenario where neither choice is without its share of agony.
So, the experience of emotional dependency and the risk of suffering are the inherent dangers of being in love. This raises a complex question: Should we consider avoiding the experience of falling in love altogether? It’s a difficult question, akin to the age-old philosophical struggle between Dionysus and Apollo – should we follow our primal, animalistic instincts or pursue the path of wisdom and serenity?
From a rational standpoint, if happiness is defined as contentment and inner peace, avoiding falling in love might be the wiser course of action. Emotional highs are absent, but so too is the excruciating pain. We maintain a clear and rational mindset, free from the tumultuous and often irrational emotions that accompany love.
Yet, life is more than just logic and reason. Our primal instincts, although not always rational, are an integral part of who we are. Without romantic love, the bonds between couples would never form, the fiery passion that drives us to start families would be extinguished, and life, in general, would be far less captivating. How many great works of art and monumental achievements have been propelled by the potent force of romantic love?
Regardless of the inherent turmoil it brings, there may be more to romantic love than meets the eye. It offers something beyond the inconvenience of suffering. As Bertrand Russell aptly observed, to be ignorant of the value of romantic love is “a great misfortune to any human being.” This leaves us grappling with a fundamental question: Is love worth the pain, heartbreak, and irrationality it often entails?