For much of his twenties, Mark Manson believed he was uncovering the mysteries of his existence. He traveled to 50 countries, launched several businesses, experimented with a wide range of substances, and dated a diverse array of people. Yet, he was mistaken. This frenetic movement wasn’t true self-discovery—it was a form of avoidance. While his body remained in constant motion, his mind and emotions were still shackled in place, evading a deeper confrontation with his inner self.
Life unfolds in stages, and unknowingly, I was trapped in the second one. There are four stages in total. You’re probably stuck in one too, even if it feels invisible right now. This stage influences everything: the goals you set, the dreams you chase, and the battles you keep losing.
Stage One: The Copycat
Stage one is the foundational phase where the blueprint of our identity is drafted—not by our own hand, but through imitation. A fundamental dependence on external models characterizes this stage. Like fledgling creatures in the wild, we arrive utterly helpless, incapable of basic survival functions such as walking, speaking, or feeding ourselves. This vulnerability is not merely physical; it extends deeply into the psychological realm. We have no internal compass, no personal map to navigate the vast complexities of human society. Instead, we become sponges, absorbing the behaviors, beliefs, and values of those around us, especially the adults and authority figures who serve as our primary reference points.
The human brain in early development is wired for mimicry. This is nature’s way of ensuring survival—by replicating the successful strategies demonstrated by caregivers and peers, a child learns how to function within their cultural context. First, we master physical skills: how to stand upright, how to articulate sounds into words. Then comes the intricate process of social learning: understanding gestures, emotions, societal norms, and the often unwritten rules of interaction.
Ideally, this process leads to autonomy—a state where we are equipped to make decisions independently and to act on our own behalf. The community and its adults serve as guides and supporters, gently encouraging self-sufficiency. However, this ideal scenario is not universal. When adults suppress autonomy—whether through harsh punishment for independence, emotional manipulation, or neglect—the child’s development is stunted. The result is a persistent need to imitate others without developing a true sense of self. Instead of forging their own path, the individual becomes locked in a continuous cycle of copying, seeking validation, and avoiding judgment.
Living in stage one as an adult is a subtle and insidious trap. Externally, it may appear that the person is “doing everything right”—pursuing socially approved careers, maintaining relationships, adhering to conventional life milestones. Yet internally, there is a gnawing dissatisfaction and a vague sense of emptiness. The life lived is someone else’s script, not a personal narrative. The constant craving for approval is exhausting, and the fear of standing out or making a mistake paralyzes authentic action.
Escaping stage one requires a profound awakening. It is the moment when imitation no longer suffices and when the individual confronts the futility of living through others. This epiphany often comes abruptly and can be accompanied by feelings of disorientation, loss, or even existential dread. But it is also the birth of courage—the courage to stand alone, to form opinions independent of the crowd, and to act according to one’s own emerging values. This is the hard but necessary first step toward genuine autonomy and self-definition.
Stage Two: The Explorer
Stage two is the vibrant, turbulent phase of self-exploration and boundary testing. After shedding the shackles of blind imitation, the Explorer embarks on a quest to uncover what distinguishes them from the cultural milieu in which they were raised. This is the era of experimentation, characterized by an intoxicating blend of freedom, risk-taking, and often reckless abandon.
Unlike stage one’s passive absorption, stage two demands active engagement with life’s possibilities. The Explorer tests different lifestyles, ideologies, social groups, and personal habits to identify what resonates and what repels. This journey is messy and nonlinear, filled with exhilarating highs and humbling failures. The willingness to stumble, fall, and pick oneself up is a hallmark of this stage.
The specific contours of stage two differ wildly from person to person, reflecting unique values, interests, and circumstances. Some may dive into political activism, seeking to change the world; others may immerse themselves in art, travel, or alternative spiritual practices. The common denominator is a relentless pursuit of self-knowledge through direct experience.
This stage is also marked by a powerful psychological imperative: aligning life with deeply held values. Values are the fundamental beliefs about what is important, meaningful, and worth striving for. Psychologists emphasize that clarity and congruence in values are essential for sustained motivation and emotional wellbeing. Living in accordance with your true values energizes you to overcome challenges and fosters a sense of purpose.
However, the intoxicating novelty of stage two cannot last forever. Eventually, the Explorer encounters the limits of their abilities and the realities of life’s constraints. Discovering personal weaknesses—whether physical, intellectual, or emotional—is difficult but vital. Recognizing that one cannot excel at everything enables focused prioritization and avoids wasted effort.
Moreover, the pleasures and novelties that fueled the Explorer’s zeal begin to lose their luster. Exotic travels become routine, endless partying loses its thrill, and transient relationships fail to provide lasting fulfillment. This erosion of novelty forces a sobering reassessment: if time is limited, what truly deserves one’s energy and commitment?
The risk in stage two is getting stuck in perpetual adolescence, often referred to as “Peter Pan syndrome.” This occurs when individuals refuse to acknowledge limitations or resist committing to lasting goals. The result is an endless cycle of searching without finding, leading to frustration, dissatisfaction, and stalled growth.
Recognizing when stage two has run its course is crucial. It involves the painful admission that not all dreams will be realized and that life’s brevity demands careful selection of pursuits worth dedicating oneself to. This recognition sets the stage for the transition to deeper commitment and purpose in stage three.
Stage Three: The Martyr
Stage three marks a decisive turning point from exploration to consolidation—a phase defined by intentional sacrifice, focused dedication, and profound commitment. It is where the scattered energies of youth find direction and coalesce into purposeful action. The term “martyr” here isn’t meant to suggest suffering without reward, but rather highlights the necessary willingness to give something up—comfort, freedom, fleeting pleasures—to build something meaningful and lasting.
This stage demands clarity and ruthlessness in prioritization. The martyrs cut loose relationships that drain their vitality and shed activities that no longer serve their evolving goals. Social calendars filled with frivolous engagements give way to deep, nourishing connections. The distractions of novelty are replaced by sustained focus on what truly matters. It’s a deliberate pruning that clears the ground for growth.
At its core, stage three is about mastery. It involves doubling down on one’s strengths and areas of potential impact. Whether that means honing a craft, advancing a career, building a family, or championing a cause, this is the era when competence deepens and influence expands. The martyrs develop discipline, resilience, and a willingness to embrace discomfort because they understand the long-term payoff.
Psychologically, this stage demands a shift from self-discovery to self-definition. The person stops asking, “Who am I?” and begins affirming, “This is who I am.” Commitments made in this phase aren’t casual experiments but binding choices that shape identity and legacy.
Yet, stage three isn’t without its challenges. The hunger for achievement and control can become insatiable, leading some to become trapped by ambition itself. They resist the natural slowing down that life eventually imposes, clinging to power and influence well beyond their prime. This creates tension between the drive to build and the wisdom to let go.
The length of stage three can vary, typically spanning from the early thirties through the decades of prime adulthood. The hallmark is productivity paired with sacrifice—the recognition that greatness often requires giving up something precious. The martyrs accept that their pursuit will exact a cost, but they do so willingly because of the value they place on what they are creating.
Stage Four: The Mortal
Stage four confronts the inevitable reality that all human endeavors are finite. It is the phase where the confrontation with mortality shifts from abstraction to lived experience. Drawing heavily on Ernest Becker’s seminal work The Denial of Death, this stage wrestles with the existential anxiety of impermanence—not just physical death, but the fading of influence, memory, and relevance.
At this point, the projects and legacies built over decades come into sharper focus. The body and mind grow weary, ambitions quiet, and priorities shift from accumulation to transmission. The mortal stage is not about doing more but about gracefully surrendering what one has created and empowering others to carry it forward.
Some resist this shift, desperately clinging to power, status, and control, attempting to forestall decline. Others retreat prematurely into disengagement, succumbing to boredom or resignation. The truly wise navigate stage four by embracing a new role: that of mentor, elder, and custodian of wisdom.
This transition requires profound humility and acceptance. It’s a movement away from the ego-driven quest for personal achievement toward an altruistic focus on nurturing the next generation. The influence wielded in this stage is subtle but enduring—found in the knowledge passed down, the values instilled, and the systems preserved.
Psychologically, stage four provides a framework for making peace with death’s shadow. By recognizing that meaning transcends individual lifespan through legacy and mentorship, the fear of disappearance transforms into a source of comfort. This reframing allows one to face the closing chapters with dignity and purpose.
Stage four is paradoxically a time of growth. While physical vitality wanes, the capacity for wisdom, compassion, and perspective deepens. The mortal phase is less an end than a metamorphosis—where letting go becomes the ultimate act of strength, and influence achieves permanence through generosity and acceptance.
The Pain of Growth and Transition
Growth rarely unfolds as a smooth, linear ascent; rather, it is a tumultuous process punctuated by discomfort, upheaval, and profound loss. Each transition between life stages demands a fundamental reordering of one’s values, priorities, and self-conception. This reshuffling often disrupts long-standing relationships and social networks, as the evolving individual’s worldview diverges from those who remain anchored in previous phases.
The psychological turbulence during these transitions can be disorienting. Imagine moving from stage two’s freewheeling experimentation to stage three’s rigorous commitment: the friends who once shared in your late-night adventures might no longer resonate with your newfound focus and discipline. This divergence creates friction, sometimes leading to painful separations or feelings of isolation. Growth can feel like a lonely journey precisely because it requires shedding old identities and attachments that no longer serve your emerging self.
Moreover, the process of realigning values is inherently challenging because it forces confrontation with uncomfortable truths. To move beyond stage one, you must accept that universal approval is impossible—no matter how hard you try, you will never be “enough” for everyone. This realization demands the courage to prioritize your own voice over the cacophony of external expectations.
Progressing past stage two requires a brutally honest reckoning with your limitations. You must acknowledge that despite dreams and desires, you cannot master everything or pursue every opportunity. This acceptance allows you to zero in on what truly matters, committing your finite time and energy to carefully chosen pursuits rather than scattering them across fleeting interests.
Transcending stage three involves coming to terms with the finitude of time and energy. Letting go of ambition and relinquishing control is not easy, especially when your identity is intertwined with achievement. Yet, this release is essential to prepare for the ultimate phase of life—passing the torch and supporting others to carry forward your legacy.
Finally, moving beyond stage four means embracing the inevitability of change and loss. No matter how significant your contributions, the influence of one person will eventually wane. Accepting this truth is liberating; it frees you from the desperation to cling and opens space for peace and grace.
Feeling stuck at any point is often a sign that these painful but necessary shifts are being resisted. The discomfort of transition is the crucible in which growth is forged. Without it, maturity is stunted, and life’s potential remains unrealized.
Recognizing the stage you occupy and the transitions it demands is the first step toward liberation. The path forward requires embracing discomfort, reevaluating priorities, and committing to ongoing self-improvement. Growth is not a gentle process but the only way out of stagnation and into authentic fulfillment.