When we look back at ancient Indian history, it’s easy to assume that our ancestors lived in a vastly different, more restrained world. We imagine them as rigid, duty-bound individuals with little room for romance or fun. But in reality, love and attraction were just as vibrant and complex as they are today. Ancient Indians engaged in flirting had romantic rendezvous at taverns, went on park dates, and even had live-in partners. They experienced the same emotional rollercoasters of love, infatuation, and even the friend zone. If you ever wished to step into a time machine and experience the world of ancient Indian romance, here’s a guide to help you flirt like an ancient Indian.
Social Spaces: Where Romance Blossomed
In ancient India, the concept of socializing and engaging with potential romantic partners was far more relaxed and open than many might assume. The idea that men and women were always kept apart, living in separate spheres of life, is a misconception rooted in modern interpretations. In reality, public social spaces played a significant role in fostering romantic relationships.
One of the most important places for socializing in ancient India was the public market. Markets weren’t just centers for buying and selling goods—they were vibrant, bustling spaces where people from all walks of life came together. These markets offered a rare opportunity for men and women to interact in an informal, public setting, with little to no societal pressure or expectations. The exchange of goods, as well as small talk, was often the precursor to deeper interactions. Imagine a woman strolling through the marketplace, and a man, noticing her, may have struck up a conversation about a piece of pottery or fabric. These mundane interactions could easily evolve into something more meaningful, as they provided a setting where initial awkwardness was minimized.
Similarly, parks and gardens were locations where people spent time walking, relaxing, and engaging in light conversation. These spaces were conducive to romantic encounters, allowing men and women to flirt subtly without being overly forward. Ancient texts like the Kamasutra emphasize the importance of such places, advising men to frequent these gardens or other public spaces to improve their chances of meeting women. These public areas, where people gathered without the boundaries of formal etiquette, offered a more spontaneous and organic way to meet potential partners. The idea was simple: in a space filled with natural beauty and social fluidity, a casual interaction could evolve into something more intimate over time.
Festivals were also an integral part of public social life, especially when it came to fostering romance. These events, often full of music, dance, and revelry, provided a perfect environment for flirtation. With everyone dressed in their finest clothes, participating in communal activities, the pressure to conform to rigid social structures eased, creating a space for freedom. The excitement of shared joy, the warmth of camaraderie, and the carefree nature of celebrations created opportunities for young men and women to connect. In many ways, these festivals resembled modern-day social gatherings or music festivals, where people from different backgrounds and social classes could intermingle in a fun, lighthearted atmosphere. Whether it was a temple festival or a harvest celebration, these public events allowed for interaction that was both fun and meaningful, without the constraints of more formal or structured dating settings.
Romance in Schools and Monasteries
If you’ve ever thought of school or religious institutions as places focused solely on academic or spiritual pursuits, ancient India would offer you a different perspective. The idea that romantic relationships might emerge in educational settings is not a modern invention—it was a well-established aspect of life in ancient Indian culture, especially in schools (Gurukulas) and monasteries.
In Gurukulas, the environment was designed for learning but also for fostering personal connections. Students, both male and female, lived and studied together, often in close quarters. They engaged in discussions, debates, and physical activities, all of which provided ample opportunities to bond. It’s in this environment that many young lovers in ancient India found one another, sometimes forming deep emotional connections that eventually blossomed into full-blown romantic relationships. The intimacy of shared quarters allowed students to witness one another in both personal and intellectual capacities, creating an environment ripe for romance.
In the Kata sarata Sagara, an ancient text, it is noted that secret romantic relationships would often develop between male and female students. These relationships were private and often discreet, hidden away from the eyes of teachers and other students, allowing love to flourish quietly amid the rigors of study. The shared time spent together in the pursuit of knowledge, however, cultivated a strong emotional connection. This was not just infatuation but often a deeper bond built on shared intellectual curiosity, mutual respect, and companionship.
Religious institutions like monasteries, which were hubs for spiritual learning, also offered an unexpected space for romance. In particular, Buddhist monasteries provided fertile ground for romantic entanglements, as both male monks and female nuns would engage in intellectual discourse and share communal living arrangements. The Syava Jaa text highlights the romance between two former monks and nuns, who, after leaving the monastery, recall fondly the deep connection they formed during their time there. These monasteries, though focused on spiritual growth, also served as a backdrop for the development of meaningful romantic connections. The intellectual stimulation, quiet contemplation, and shared values created an environment where love could grow, rooted in emotional and spiritual compatibility.
The underlying theme in these relationships, whether in schools or monasteries, was that the romantic bond grew organically, nurtured by intellectual engagement, shared experiences, and mutual respect. These settings showed that emotional connection, intellectual compatibility, and companionship could exist alongside learning and spiritual growth, laying the foundation for relationships that were often deep, fulfilling, and lasting.
Public Spaces: Flirting in the Open
When it comes to finding love, ancient India didn’t shy away from the idea of flirting openly in public. In fact, public spaces were considered ideal for romantic interactions, and ancient texts like the Kamasutra and Richa provide detailed insights into how men and women could engage in flirtation without shame. The ancient view was that love, attraction, and even the act of flirtation were natural, so long as they were done with grace and subtlety.
Public spaces like town squares, marketplaces, gardens, and temples were all locations where men and women could meet and interact freely. The Kamasutra suggests that men should be seen in these places, presenting themselves in the best possible light—dressed elegantly, walking with purpose, and exuding an air of nobility. The idea was that by placing themselves in these environments, men could attract the attention of women who were also out enjoying the vibrancy of the city life.
Flirting in public wasn’t seen as something negative or improper. Instead, it was a natural part of the social interaction. In fact, the Richa, another ancient text, recounts instances where people would openly flirt in the market, engaging in playful exchanges and romantic gestures. This public flirting was not only about attraction but about establishing rapport and building a connection. Men and women could tease each other, exchange jokes, and flirt with subtle gestures that spoke volumes about their interest in one another.
Festivals, as mentioned earlier, were another vital aspect of public spaces where flirtation could flourish. These festive occasions brought people together in a more relaxed atmosphere, where dancing, singing, and playing games created an environment of joy and celebration. During these events, it was common for young men and women to engage in playful interactions, often using these moments as an opportunity to test romantic waters. Similar to how modern-day festivals or concerts serve as spaces for meeting new people, ancient Indian festivals allowed men and women to interact freely, without the pressures of formality or societal expectations.
What is particularly interesting is that these interactions were not limited to brief encounters. Ancient Indian texts reveal that flirting in public could develop into meaningful relationships over time. These spaces acted as incubators for relationships—offering individuals the freedom to explore attraction, gauge emotional chemistry, and build a connection that might eventually lead to deeper involvement. Whether through an innocent exchange at a temple or an evening spent dancing at a festival, the public realm in ancient India was integral to the development of romantic relationships. The key takeaway is that in ancient India, romance wasn’t confined to private spaces or clandestine meetings; it thrived in the openness of public life.
The Art of Attraction: What Ancient Indians Wanted
Attraction in ancient India was not simply about outward beauty—it was a sophisticated mix of physical appearance, personality traits, and intellectual and emotional connection. In a culture that valued refinement and subtlety, men and women were expected to embody not only physical beauty but also grace, intellectual depth, and social elegance. The ancient Indian approach to attraction was holistic, emphasizing that true beauty and attraction transcended the physical and reached into the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual domains.
Physical Beauty and Grooming
While physical appearance was certainly a key component of attraction, it was never the sole focus. The ancient texts encourage both men and women to maintain a pleasing appearance through grooming and attire. A person who took care of their personal hygiene and presented themselves well was seen as more attractive, as this was viewed as a reflection of their self-respect and self-discipline. Men were encouraged to dress in fine garments that subtly highlighted their status but avoided anything too flashy. Jewelry and ornaments were often worn, but they were meant to enhance a person’s elegance, not draw attention to excess wealth or materialism.
Fragrant oils, perfumes, and unguents were also part of the ritual of attraction. The art of anointing oneself with oils not only improved one’s scent but was also a ritual of self-care that indicated a refined sense of elegance. However, this was not about ostentation. The texts cautioned against overdoing it, as it was important to maintain a balance between refinement and restraint. This advice emphasized the notion that beauty, in ancient Indian society, was as much about inner virtues as it was about outward presentation.
Compliments and Emotional Validation
In ancient India, compliments were a powerful tool for expressing admiration and building romantic interest. Women, in particular, valued emotional validation. The Kamasutra and other ancient texts show that a woman’s heart could be swayed with compliments that acknowledged her beauty, intelligence, and virtues. However, it was not just her outward appearance that warranted praise. Compliments focused on her inner qualities—her kindness, generosity, and wisdom—were particularly cherished. A woman who appreciated a man’s virtues and praised him for his good deeds or intellectual achievements captured his attention far more than one who simply commented on his physical attractiveness.
Men, too, were drawn to women who recognized their talents and virtues. According to ancient texts, a man was most captivated by a woman who admired his wisdom, strength, and moral character. A woman who took the time to praise his achievements in front of others, even in small conversations, was seen as far more attractive than one who simply praised his looks. Ancient Indians believed that true attraction required more than just physical connection; it required a deep appreciation of a person’s inner qualities and their personal growth.
Intellectual and Cultural Appeal
Intellectual engagement was considered an important facet of attraction in ancient India. To be perceived as a desirable partner, an individual was expected to demonstrate not just physical charm but also a rich understanding of the world around them. Literature, music, and philosophy were central to ancient Indian education and social life. Both men and women were encouraged to master the arts of poetry, music, and fine conversation to engage others on an intellectual level.
Being well-versed in the 64 Arts—a set of cultural and intellectual practices including dance, poetry, music, and even etiquette—was particularly esteemed. People who excelled in these arts were often seen as ideal partners, as they were perceived as well-rounded, cultured, and sophisticated. The ability to speak eloquently, to engage in philosophical discussions, or to recite poetry was viewed as an attractive trait that extended beyond the physical. It showed a person’s depth of character, their intellectual capacity, and their ability to connect on a level that was beyond mere attraction to appearance.
Humor also played an important role in attraction. Ancient Indian texts suggest that lightheartedness, wit, and clever banter could build rapport and ease any tension between potential romantic partners. Being able to make someone laugh, or engage in playful teasing, was seen as a way to build intimacy and allow the relationship to grow. Humor, combined with intellect, created a balance that made one even more alluring—someone who could engage you mentally and emotionally, making the whole experience both stimulating and enjoyable.
The Power of Gifts and Gestures
Gifts, in ancient India, were not merely transactional or materialistic. They were expressions of care, affection, and emotional connection. Gift-giving played a significant role in courtship, and many ancient texts describe the exchange of gifts as a deeply intimate act. A thoughtful gift was a reflection of one’s understanding of the other person’s desires, personality, and needs, signaling that the giver had invested time and energy into choosing something that would resonate with their partner.
Symbolic and Personal Gifts
In ancient India, gifts were often symbolic of a deeper connection, representing love, respect, and admiration. Flowers were a particularly significant gift, symbolizing beauty, purity, and the fragility of life. Depending on the type of flower and its color, the message of the gift could vary, with each bloom carrying its own meaning. For instance, a single lotus flower could signify both physical and spiritual beauty, while jasmine, often used in garlands, symbolized purity and unspoken affection.
Ornaments also played a key role in expressing romantic intentions. Jewelry wasn’t simply worn for its aesthetic value; it was imbued with cultural meaning. In some cases, the jewelry exchanged between lovers was meant to signify commitment or a promise, as if binding the two together through the beauty of the gift itself. The use of henna, for instance, was not just a decoration; it was an intimate and personal gesture, with the intricate designs often symbolizing a deep connection between the giver and the receiver.
Thoughtful Gestures
Ancient texts reveal that small, thoughtful gestures often spoke louder than grand presents. One such gesture involved the exchange of Bal leaves, which were often folded in intricate patterns as a sign of affection. These small leaves, smeared with scented oils or marked with the lover’s bite marks, were used to signify emotional connection. The act of folding the leaves perfectly was symbolic of care and attention to detail, qualities that ancient Indians admired in a romantic partner. This attention to detail was also present in other aspects of courtship, with men and women often testing their lover’s attentiveness by challenging them with tasks that required patience, skill, and care.
In some regions, lovers used ter-infused water to write secret messages on palm leaves. These messages would only appear when the leaf was exposed to sunlight or heat, serving as a metaphor for the secrecy and intimacy of the relationship. This act of invisible communication—where words only appeared in the right conditions—was both romantic and practical, creating a sense of shared intimacy between lovers who could speak without saying a word.
Emotional Significance of Gifts
The emotional value of gifts was always prioritized over their material worth. The act of giving was seen as a symbol of deeper affection and attachment. Gifts were often used to express longing, admiration, and affection in a way that words alone could not convey. In a time when physical contact was often limited, the act of exchanging a gift allowed lovers to express their feelings more profoundly. A carefully chosen gift was a means to convey the message that the person was valued and cherished. Ancient Indians understood the emotional weight of such gestures, and this practice of thoughtful gift-giving continues to hold significance in modern relationships as well.
Respect and Patience: The Foundation of Love
In ancient India, respect and patience were considered foundational elements of romantic relationships. The idea of rushing or forcing a romantic connection was seen as both reckless and disrespectful. Relationships were seen as evolving naturally over time, with each partner given space and time to understand the other’s personality, values, and needs. This slow, thoughtful approach to love created a deeper, more meaningful connection that was built on trust, mutual respect, and understanding.
Respecting Boundaries
One of the most significant aspects of ancient Indian romance was the respect for boundaries. Ancient texts consistently emphasize that no relationship should be forced or rushed. In Butana, a well-known text on courtship, suitors are advised to be patient and wait for the right moment to approach a potential partner. The phrase “do not pluck the flower before it blooms” is a powerful metaphor for the necessity of allowing love to develop at its own pace. Pressuring someone into a relationship was considered not only disrespectful but also detrimental to the emotional bond that could develop between two people.
Both men and women were encouraged to be attuned to the emotional signals of their partner. If a woman was hesitant or shy, it was important for the man to be patient and gentle, respecting her pace. Similarly, if a man was reticent or reserved, a woman was advised to give him the space to open up gradually. The key was not to rush the emotional connection but to nurture it with care and respect. This balance of patience and attentiveness was essential to building a strong foundation for a relationship.
Understanding the Partner’s Nature
Ancient Indian texts also advised suitors to adjust their behavior according to the temperament of their partner. If a woman was bold and assertive, the man was encouraged to match her confidence and charm. If she was more reserved, he was advised to be tender and considerate, ensuring that his approach resonated with her nature. This sensitivity to the other person’s emotional state and personality was seen as a mark of maturity and wisdom in a suitor.
Patience was not just about waiting for love to blossom but also about giving each other the time to grow as individuals within the relationship. Ancient Indian courtship was as much about the emotional growth of both partners as it was about the physical attraction. By respecting boundaries, adjusting to each other’s pace, and demonstrating understanding, a deeper and more lasting connection was forged. This approach to relationships in ancient India laid the groundwork for a love that was thoughtful, reciprocal, and respectful—values that continue to hold weight in relationships today.
Premarital Relationships: Love Before Marriage
In ancient India, premarital relationships were not only common but were also culturally accepted as an essential part of the romantic journey. These relationships were seen not as temporary indulgences but as genuine opportunities for individuals to test their compatibility before committing to a lifelong partnership. Contrary to modern ideas of courtship and marriage, where the emphasis is often placed solely on the wedding as the ultimate goal, ancient Indian practices encouraged couples to spend significant time together before marriage in order to evaluate their emotional, intellectual, and physical compatibility.
Emotional and Physical Compatibility Testing
Ancient texts like the Kamasutra and Artha Shastra provide detailed guidance on how a couple could test their emotional and physical compatibility before deciding to marry. This approach allowed both individuals to understand not just how they felt about each other in the heat of initial attraction, but how they would manage deeper, more intimate facets of a long-term partnership. The emotional compatibility test involved spending extended periods together, away from the pressures of family and societal expectations, to see how well they handled each other’s quirks, temperaments, and emotional needs.
Physical compatibility, too, was an essential consideration. The Kamasutra discusses how physical attraction and sexual compatibility were essential aspects of evaluating a future partner. Premarital relationships offered the opportunity to explore the physical aspects of a relationship in a natural setting, ensuring that both individuals were comfortable with one another’s physical touch, gestures, and expressions of intimacy. These trials allowed partners to understand each other’s needs, desires, and expectations when it came to intimacy—ensuring that once they entered into marriage, they were not entering into an unknown relationship.
Cultural Context of Premarital Relationships
Premarital intimacy was a culturally embedded concept that was accepted in many regions across ancient India. There was no stigma associated with emotional or physical relationships before marriage, provided both parties consented. In fact, ancient texts often describe how lovers were encouraged to take their time in developing their relationship. They were allowed to grow together, experiencing the joys and challenges of romantic affection without the pressure of formal marriage looming over them.
The concept of the “trial period” was instrumental in making marriages more successful. It encouraged couples to study each other’s habits, preferences, and temperaments before committing to the significant social and personal contract that was marriage. Instead of rushing into union, partners were given space to ensure that their bond was not born out of fleeting passion but built on shared values, emotional resonance, and mutual respect. This approach allowed individuals to make more informed decisions about marriage and ensured that when the commitment was made, it was done with a sense of certainty.
Live-In Relationships as a Norm
Ancient Indian society also recognized live-in relationships as legitimate. While modern society often sees cohabitation before marriage as unconventional or taboo, ancient India embraced the idea of a couple living together without the formality of marriage. In texts such as the Manu Smriti, relationships without formal vows were accepted as long as the couple shared mutual affection and lived in harmony. Live-in relationships were common in many parts of ancient India, and they were often seen as an important step in a partnership, allowing the couple to deeply understand each other’s personalities and lifestyles before making the decision to marry.
Long-term cohabitation was viewed not as a sign of rebellion but as a natural progression of the relationship, allowing time for partners to evaluate each other’s emotional and physical compatibility. These types of relationships were seen as valid, even if they did not involve the formalities of marriage, and they offered couples an alternative pathway to evaluate the potential for a lifelong commitment.
Breaking Up: The End of the Romance
While modern relationships often shy away from the idea of a breakup, ancient Indian texts provide clear guidance on how to end relationships in a way that was both respectful and harmonious. The breakdown of a relationship, whether due to emotional distance or incompatibility, was recognized in ancient India as a natural aspect of life. However, it was essential to approach a breakup with care, ensuring that both parties were treated with dignity and respect.
The Art of Breaking Up with Grace
Ancient Indian texts such as the Kamasutra and Artha Shastra offer advice on how to part ways without causing unnecessary emotional harm. Breaking up was not about sudden ruptures or explosive confrontations. Instead, the process was slow and deliberate, ensuring that both partners had the space to emotionally detach without feeling betrayed. A key principle in these texts was that affection should not fade abruptly. Instead, there was an understanding that one person may begin to withdraw affection gradually. This slow process helped to mitigate the emotional shock that often accompanies a breakup, allowing the relationship to dissolve with as much care as it had been formed.
For example, in the Kamasutra, men are advised to gradually withdraw from the emotional and physical intimacy shared with their partner. This slow withdrawal provided the opportunity for the other party to process the situation and find emotional closure before the relationship came to a full stop. The Artha Shastra also discussed how to create opportunities for one partner to meet new suitors, thereby ensuring that both individuals could eventually move forward and find happiness elsewhere.
Maintaining Mutual Respect
One of the most important elements of breaking up in ancient Indian culture was maintaining mutual respect throughout the process. The focus was on treating the other person with kindness, even when the relationship was coming to an end. Ancient texts consistently advise against harsh words, cruelty, or public shaming. For example, the Kamasutra counseled that no matter the reason for the breakup, individuals should refrain from saying things that would hurt the other person’s dignity. A breakup was seen not as a failure or a personal affront but as an opportunity to part ways with grace and dignity.
The concept of maintaining mutual respect even in the face of a breakup mirrored the larger cultural value of respect for personal autonomy. Partners were encouraged to understand each other’s emotional needs, and when it became clear that the relationship could no longer continue, the respectful thing was to let go—without malice and with kindness.
Avoiding Infidelity During Breakups
One significant aspect of ancient Indian texts regarding breakups is the recognition that, during a breakup, individuals might seek solace in the arms of another person. While this may seem controversial in modern times, it was often accepted as a natural outcome of emotional neglect or incompatibility. The Artha Shastra implicitly recognized the likelihood of infidelity, particularly in cases where a partner felt emotionally abandoned or physically neglected.
In the case of women whose husbands had neglected them, many ancient texts noted that they might seek companionship elsewhere. The texts also suggested that a wise man should approach a neglected woman with care and compassion, offering her solace while ensuring that their relationship remained discreet and respectful. This recognition of human emotions and needs highlighted a pragmatic understanding of relationships, where the emotional well-being of both partners was prioritized.
However, the texts also warned that infidelity should not be handled recklessly. The potential for adultery was acknowledged, but it was not seen as a simple or acceptable escape from relationship issues. The Artha Shastra also prescribes methods of dealing with adultery, such as divorce or other remedies, to ensure that the relationship ended in a way that honored both parties’ needs. In this sense, ancient Indian texts took a nuanced approach to the realities of human relationships, acknowledging both emotional complexity and the need for clear ethical guidelines.
The Power of Thoughtful Gestures
While ancient Indian courtship often revolved around grand gestures of affection such as poetry, music, and dance, it was the small, thoughtful actions that truly resonated with lovers. These gestures were designed not just to impress, but to communicate deep feelings of affection, care, and respect. In a world where love was often expressed in subtle ways, these thoughtful gestures became a central part of the romantic experience.
The Exchange of Personal Tokens
The giving of personal tokens—whether it was a well-constructed poem, a small gift, or a carefully crafted letter—was an essential aspect of expressing romantic affection in ancient India. Such tokens were valued for their thoughtfulness and emotional weight, rather than their material worth. One of the most romantic and intimate gestures described in ancient texts was the giving of Bal leaves, which were often folded into intricate designs and smeared with the giver’s scent. These small leaves, imbued with personal meaning, became a symbol of the emotional bond between lovers.
These gifts were often exchanged in secrecy, shared only between the lovers as a private declaration of affection. The act of crafting these gifts demonstrated thoughtfulness, care, and attention to detail—qualities that were highly prized in a partner. In some cases, even a simple gift such as a flower carried immense emotional weight, symbolizing love, beauty, and affection.
Invisible Messages and Secret Communication
The concept of secret messages, akin to early forms of invisible ink, was another powerful tool for creating intimacy between lovers. In many parts of ancient India, lovers wrote messages on palm leaves or flowers using a special kind of ink that could only be seen under specific conditions, such as when exposed to sunlight or heat. This form of secret communication was an expression of closeness and trust, as the lover knew that the message would only be understood by the recipient.
These secretive messages were symbolic of the intimacy that existed between lovers. The inability of outsiders to read these messages added an element of mystery and exclusivity to the relationship. They represented an understanding that love was often something private, to be shared only between the individuals involved.
The Power of Small Gestures
In addition to grand, overt gestures, small acts of thoughtfulness carried significant weight. One such gesture was the practice of testing a partner’s attention to detail. Ancient texts describe situations where lovers would test each other’s devotion through small tasks—folding leaves perfectly, remembering a specific detail from a previous conversation, or creating something meaningful from scratch. These gestures demonstrated a partner’s emotional investment in the relationship and served as a subtle way to reaffirm their affection.
Such small acts of kindness and care helped build intimacy over time, creating a bond that went beyond physical attraction. They were moments of quiet connection that allowed the partners to express love in ways that words alone could not fully encapsulate.
Conclusion: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Romance
While ancient Indian romance may seem like a distant, foreign concept, its principles still hold true today. Respect, patience, intellectual connection, and clear communication are as vital now as they were thousands of years ago. Whether you’re navigating the complexities of modern dating or looking to explore love through the lens of history, the ancient Indian approach to romance provides timeless wisdom that can help guide your journey in the pursuit of love and companionship.